Today at sacrament I just had this overwhelming feeling of worthlessness. I have had a lot happen to me in the last few years. My trials have sucked the life out of me.
Looking at my girls during the service (my son was sick at home with my dad) I realized how much I have screwed up my life.
I was 14 when I started dating my now ex husband. We got married when I was 19. On my wedding day I thought 3 times of calling it off. First was when they were setting up. Second was getting dressed. And the third time was when I was up there and the justice of the peace could not pronounce my name. I had this feeling of dread. But I pushed it out.
Then he went and quit his job just after we bought a house and went back to school. He wanted to be a pilot. Then he got very friendly with a young girl from his flight school. She came on to our friendship circle. He ended up having a emotional affair with her, I don't know if it turned physical. I found out a few years after she lied about her age and was under age at the time.
Then after counselling, a move to Alberta and back to BC. We decided to have kids. A few years after the kids were born he had a physical affair and got mentally and physically abusive. To the point where we were on vacation and he had me so beaten down that I almost swallowed a whole bottle of pills and walked in to the ocean to die.
We had gotten back and I started hiding money so I had some cash to leave. But things got jump started when he hit our 4 year old daughter. I left the next day. It was hard but I did it.
Then after I got settled my dad was found unconscious. He had a massage be stroke and almost died. I had to choose what parent to take care of. My mom was dying from an illness like ALS...
Then last year my mom died. While my mom was dying my ex husband refuses to help watch the kids so I had to spend thousands to go to court to get him to watch his kids while my mom died.
My ex husband has not seen his kids in over 4 weeks. Ignoring my lawyers letters. I have had to spend more money then I wanted to and wiping away more tears then I should have had to.
My emotional state has been messed up. It's hard as I feel self worth=sex and that's not the way it should be. And I know that's not the way it should be.
I feel like I should be doing more for my dating partner. I feel like I'm leaching off and not being a good partner. I just hurt inside. I feel like sex is something I have to give to show my appreciation. And being in a relationship with someone who is Mormon has put me in a emotional tailspin as I'm used to being used by men in my life. Used like a toy for there pleasure. But this relationship is different.
He treats me with respect, he opens the door for me, he truly cares about me. But for some reason I feel so broken inside. He holds my hand and cuddles me, but yet I feel alone. I truly love this man. I have not felt like this about another man before. I know it comes from my internal issues. I feel like I'm pushing him away.
I pray every day for this man. I pray every day for my future husband. Now I need to pray for God to help heal my broken heart and emotions and help me find self worth.
Tying self worth to sex is a learned behavior, something you became comfortable with, came to expect.
ReplyDeleteIn your mind, perhaps a relationship...right now...in it's beginning stages...is not real without the sex....but it only seems that way.
It's actually MORE real.
You just have to remember that sex is somewhat of a shortcut to temporary comfort, a substitute for the real effort of love.
When you have the privilege and blessing of doing things in wisdom and in order, then you will come to realize that sex is most profoundly wonderful when it is enhanced by real love.
Love is the best aphrodisiac.
So...the LOVE is the thing to work towards.
Many of the ladies I dated mistakenly thought the same as you, because every guy before me only wanted to use them "like a toy for their pleasure", as you said.
My lovely ex told me within a week after we got married that she "got my virtue" and that was all she really wanted anyway.
So I too am waiting to have sex with someone who ACTUALLY loves me.
THAT will be different and wonderful.
It will be for you as well, by choosing to do things in wisdom and in order.
So...no more taking your "self-worth" cues from your ex. He's not someone who loves you, and you know he is someone who has hurt you. So don't think his way.
Rejoice in hand-holding and the cuddling because it means that you are learning to build a forever love.
And it means that someone knows you are worth the wait!
So hard when all I do is feel like trash and like I don't matter, or if I do matter that I I'm garbage and not worth it. So hard when all of this has been engraved in your soul for over 13 years... And now I'm sitting here at 33 feeling like that pizza that fell on the floor is worth more then I am
DeleteThe one who engraved it on your soul lied.
ReplyDeleteStart from there.
Making you feel worthless was a way not only to hurt you, but to control you.
Because if he made you feel worthless, then you wouldn't bother leaving him, and he could do what he wanted to you.
But you DID leave him.
That shows you are smarter.
Immerse yourself in the Spirit and the love of God and your defensive hardness will melt and crumble.
Saturate yourself in the scriptures and gospel discussions.
And you will bravely embrace love and truth of your own rich worth.
33 is NOT old...if that is another thing you are implying.
I DO know how it feels to find out my marriage was a laughable farce and come out of it after so many years and think myself disadvantaged because of the time I lost.
My Dad had a stroke, and like yourself, I look after him and my Mom.
And sometimes I wear a fannypack...because I don't like things in my pockets when I go running.
So...
I live with my parents AND I wear a fannypack.
There are the things that make women weak in the knees. *grins*
But you know what?
I'm not hopeless or worthless.
Neither are you.
Relax and let the love soak in.
Thank you...
DeleteYou are very welcome...
ReplyDelete