Trying to not let depression keep hold.

Things have been a bid hard in my life lately. Depression has been hitting me hard. Its been this big dark blanket that has just wrapped around me and I cant let go. It's not good. But its been there. I cant help it. It just has sunk in to my body and hurts.

I have been struggling to see the glory that Heavenly Father has in my life. I have felt so upset and sad and depressed suicide has been on my mind a lot lately.

I'm struggling with trying to make ends meet. To take care of my kids. To make sure they are taken care of, and to make sure my father is taken care of.

Many times over the last months I have skipped meals, or not eaten all day except for a slice of bread because its more important for my kids and father to eat then myself. I have been struggling as this time last year things were so much different and it has sent me in to a bit tailspin down.

This time last year I was in Mexico with my kids. I had money that I was given from my moms death and I went with my kids for 2 weeks to mexico. We spent time as a family connecting, and we also brought a lot of items to help kids in an orphanage down there. It was amazing to go down and give supplies to a food bank down there that helps the poor in the town we visited. It was great to blow up a bunch of balls and to hand them out to kids in mexico. We got to go to an orphanage and give them pens, pencils, paper, note books, and toys, and the kids there were so happy. A little boy had just got brought in and was given a book,  a stuffed toy, and a soccor ball. This was the first time he had something that was just HIS. It made me cry. My kids got to learn that not everyone is rich enough to own a toilet that flushes. Not everyone is able to afford a toilet seat. It was hard for them to learn but lessons that have stuck with them. We were able to donate money to them so the orphanage could fix there water pump as it was broken and they were having to carry water from down the street.

Now here one year later I'm relying on other for fruit for my kids. Im relying on the food bank. On the bishops storehouse. Im relying on others. It just kills me. It shouldn't be this way. I never expected that thousands upon thousands would be going to pay lawyers fees to get things dealt with with my ex husband. That I would be sitting here broke as anything.

Im exhausted. I feel like a failure. I just feel so lost.

I admit there have been more days then not where I sit thinking that my kids would be better off if I was not there. How I could just walk off and kill myself so my kids would not see it. But the only thing that is keeping me alive is knowing that my kids would be with my Ex husband and that is not good for them. That they would be in a horrible home that way. That my father even though we dont get along would then be subjected to live in a nursing home. A home that he is not ready to enter in and is doing so well.

Every day I cry out to Heavenly Father to help me have streinght to try to make it one more day. To just make it till tomorrow. And just keep going. But thats the way I am. I put on a happy face, and I smile and I pretend like things are ok. I admit if any of my friends read this they would have no idea that I have been feeling this way. Becouse Im good at holding it back from other. I struggle so hard but I put on my happy face.

Heavenly Father is the only reason I am here alive today. If I didnt have him in my life I dont know where I would be. I know he is not a vending machine and I cant pray and expect my life to get better right away. But I do know slowly he is making things better. He has friends in my life who do little things like dropping off some mcdonalds vouchers for the kids for treats, or just being there to help me get to an appointment.

I want to share that If you are feeling dark please do reach out. I was able to reach out to the relief society teacher. She was able to talk to me and make sure I was feeling better. She was able to be there for me, to pray for me. Please dont feel bad if you need medication. Medication is there to help. Dont feel any less for taking it. You would not tell a diabetic its mind over mater and to stop taking insulin, so dont hold yourself up to that.

sending out lots of Love and prayers for all of you who read. Please comment! I love them!

Feeling dead inside.... and the flu

I have been struggling with getting over two guys, and I just hurt inside. I have also this great guy who is local who would love to marry me but he is just not the type of person I see myself with.

To top it off I got the flu about 5 days after I got my flu shot. This is the sickest that I have been. Im just exhausted and done.

Just before I came down with he flu I got my Patriarchal blessing. It was the most amazing thing I had ever had done in my life. It was my personal message from Heavenly Father on what I can receive if I follow the commandments and do what Im told.

Im also struggling with income, Im trying to raise money to cover my lawyers fees. I need $1000 by December first.

Well this is a short one. Im still resting and trying to get over this darn flu. I have spend the last 3 days sleeping. Thankfully my kids have been really well behaved, frozen dinners have kept them full for dinner. Hopefully Im feeling better tomorrow and can take my kids to a trunk or treat.

Life gets crazy. Hold on to the iron rod.

Life gets crazy.
I had to block my ex boyfriend from Facebook, Instagram and snapchat. It was the day after my friend D's baptism and he came to the baptism and I told him that I needed to stop contact or I would never get over him. Well he ended up liking a bunch of posts on my Instagram account. Hurt like anything.

I miss him. I love him. I feel rejected for bettering myself by going back to school. I feel like I was not good enough for him. Like I did not make him happy. It hurt.


I have been having feelings for a guy from Utah named D.  We went to 2 sessions of conference together, went to a return missionaries party. It was great. I wanted to kiss him so bad when I was down there. But I just could not do it.

We had been talking for a few months and I have opened up to him about everything. Everything. The good, the bad, the ugly.

Well, after I got back I laid out all my feelings for him. He didn't say anything. We talked. And then he called and we talked about other things, but not that and then ended the conversation. He has not read any of my recent Facebook messages I sent him. He is usually good at that.
It just hurts. I put myself out there. This guy is amazing. Just super amazing Godly man who would be an awesome addition to my life. But no response. Makes me feel like no one is going to want me as damaged as I am.

And then D my friend who was baptized. We went out on a few days. We actually were engaged 2 years ago but I broke it off. Well he has been distant since his conformation.

Things have been really stressful. Thanksgiving weekend we had a leak in our roof. My landlord is out of country to boot. Had water pouring out my light fixture. I got home from my pathways class to water leaking in one of my front windows. Thank goodness it was where the kitty litter was! Then this morning the light fixture again.


I'm just exhausted. I'm done. I'm the only adult in the house doing everything. My two oldest are special needs and my house is a trashed mess. I'm just done.
I do all the cooking, cleaning, bill paying, repairs, getting people to appointments, taking care of everything. I'm just exhausted and done. I'm so tired of it all.  I have to take care of everyone but I have no one to take care of me. It really bites being a single parent. I would have never chosen this life. It's crazy how things change from expected.

Be Specific in your prayers.

Went to instatue and ha d a good think about the lesson. They were talking about faith and having faith like a child. How little kids and just go and ask for what they want. What is there need. It made me realize that I need to have faith like a child. That I need to be specific in my prayers.

I have listend to my kids prayers and what they pray for. That there sibling will be nice. That the bully will be loved. That they will get to play on the swings at lunch. That they can play dogeball in gym. That they can have candy after school. That there friends will be happy.....

The prayers they pray are so simple. So quick. So to the point. Makes me think of my prayers. That I need to be simple. That I need to just ask for small simple things.


So starting today. Dear Heavenly Father please send me a spouse. A Godly Spouse. A preisthood holder. In Jesus name we pray. Amen.

I can't stop loving you....

Things got to a big head over the weekend. After texting with my ex via text over the weekend during conference my heart was just yearning for him. I really truly have fallen for him. My heart is his. Im still in love with him.

I miss the good morning and good night texts. I miss the way he holds me. I miss the way he tells me he cares about me. I miss the way he txts to make sure I have eaten lunch. I miss the way he is so good with my kids and how they look up to him. I miss the way he acts around my son and how my son felt like he had a father figure in his life.

What hurts the most is all the ideas I had about this relationship. That I felt close enough to tell him every little thing and all the bad and he still loved me in return. That this man I saw myself going to the temple with. That this man I had been close to asking him to marry me. That I would wait for this man till he was ready.

But he crushed my heart. He told me he could not be the man he thought I needed. He could not be my eternal companion. He told me that he prays for me, and wishes me all the best. That he dosent want to hold me back from my eternal companion.

BUT I WANT HIM. I want him to hold me close. I want him to love me. I want him, and only him.


So this monday I called him and told him I had to break off all contact. I had to stop talking to him. That I could not be his friend. I could not handle the friendly txts. It just hurt too much. Because all I want is for him to hold me and tell me he loves me.

And the hard thing is my friend D just got baptised. We had dated before. And we started casually dating. He told me when he droped me off that dating wont work. That he sees this all and understands. The sad part is that he said he would marry me if I wanted to. But I just love A so much. I cant even think about D in that way.

My heart is broken and I have spent the last long while crying so many tears over A. My heart aches for him. Im not sure how I can get over him. Many nights I cry myself to sleep wishing he would just love me. That he would let me be his wife and take care of him. That he would let me love him.

High school poetry

Perfect

Feeding her soul through her mouth
Eyes wide open
Looking where to turn to
Unable to have peace
Because of her
Trembling fears
Of herself
The food in her hands
Her heart full of shame
Not able to be
Perfect.


No understanding

No understanding
Her mind flowing
Here and there
Fear flowing through her
In her hair
Out through her fingers
Mind totally exposed
No understanding of life
Or of anything
This earth
This girl
No understanding



Love and goddesses

Love and goddesses
Names and food
Things that bring
You and me
Closer
Honey, oysters, asparagus.
And more.
Is it food?
Or is it you?
Love
Life
Fulfillment with you
Or is it just,
Love and goddesses



Words not spoken

Putting his lips on mine
Telling me he loves me
I'm not sure
What to do
If I can say
The same words
Back to him.
Fears that rush in
Like the cool summer breeze
Just wondering if
My heart
Does it
Truly love
Him.
Will I know if I say these words
That tear my heart?
I love you
The words not spoken.



Empty inside

I'm not sure of the things to do
Places to go
Or people to see.
Uncertainty plagues my mind
Blank
Empty, is all that is there
Not able to give peace.
Blank
Empty space in to nothing.
Nothing will come of
Empty inside.



Untitled

Things that float
Things that flit
Things that I may
Just mear understand
Flit
Float

Temple!

I got to go to the temple last Saturday. It was the most amazing thing ever. I was no nervous I felt like I was going to puke in the car with the RM who was driving me. I was just chatting away trying to get rid of my nerves.

It was amazing my experience in there. I was nervous and I had brought with me 18 family names to do baptisms for. It was great. I got to take my mothers and both my grandmothers names. It truly was amazing.

I had gone in and I had questions for Heavenly Father. The way things had been going I had loads of questions, and I needed answers.

I was sitting in the chapel after and was looking for a verse and Heavenly Father blinded my eyes to it. He made me focus on one chapter and it gave me many blessings. It was amazing.

Its been really hard to do what Heavenly Father has asked of me. Im feeling like Im dying inside and I feel so lonely. I have not felt this lonely since the week that I left my ex husband and I was in a transition shelter and I had NO ONE to talk to. Not one of my friends was there for me. I was on my own and in my own head. It was hard.

Im trying hard to talk to others and keep out there but its hard. I know Heavenly Father will bless me for following what he is asking of me. I know he has blessings out there for me.


Please also keep an eye on a new blog I am starting for Institute classes. It will be good!

You may Leave but you NEVER get out...

Having a hard time today. I left my ex husband due to abuse. But I'm only starting to understand that you may leave but you never get out.

Its been 3 years and I still have his words in my head. I still hear his words when things ended in my last relationship (where I fell in love hard and still care about the guy) that I will never be good enough. That the relationship ended because I could not please him right. That because of my choice of religion and following the laws of chastity that he would not want me, he would not want me unless I could please him. That I was a piece of garbage and why would he want me. What man would want to be with something that was so used and abused and garbage like I am.  That I'm worthless. That I'm stupid. That I will never amount up to anything good. That no matter how much I love him him, he could never love me because I'm not worth it.

My mind still thinks those things daily. Like that I'm a screw up as a mom. That I'm and ass hole. That I will never amount to anything. That I cant handle being alone. That I cant handle being a single mom. That I wont be able to do anything unless I give my body to another man. That I wont be able to survive without him or another man.

Its hard.

Its so hard leaving an abusive man. An abusive relationship.

These voices run through my head on a daily basis.

I know that I am my own worst enemy. I just hear these words in my head daily. I cry tears because I hurt so much.

Im sitting here in bed right now crying because I just want to be held. Because I'm scared more then anything I will never find anyone that wants to love this broken mind and body.

Im sitting here, looking at my temple recommend to go do baptisms and all that runs through my head is thoughts that I'm not worthy enough. That I never will be.

I have a hard time praying latley. I have hard time doing anything lately. Im struggling with really bad depression. Im dealing with financial issues and I really need help. Im over my head and being a single parent I'm struggling. But more so I'm struggling with these words and feelings in my head.

And all I can do is cry out to Heavenly Father to send me my companion and hope that he has enough band aids to put me back together. And to pray that he comes fast.

Why did Heavenly Father Trust me with them?

As a mom of special needs kids I wonder often why he trusts me with them. I have been told that I had these kids for a reason and that heavenly father has blessed me with them. That he knows I can take care of them and teach them and help them grow.

But its beyond hard. My daughter was diagnosed with FASD this last year. I drank under 6 drinks in the first 6 weeks of my twin pregnancy. My ex also drank quite a bit and they think his factor of drinking helped too. My Son who is the other twin has other issues but it looks like he has FASD as well.

With this I have to tell them things in one step. They dont have the memory skills to do things that take more then two steps. They still at age 8 forget to wipe there bum and flush the toilet and wash there hands. If i dont tell them what type of clothing to wear they will wear long sleved clothing and long johns in the summer and scooter shorts and tanks tops in the winter.

Then if i sleep in they will eat all the snacks for breakfast. Like this last week I had some extra money and went shopping and they ate 2 weeks of groceries in 3 days. Hiding wrappers and garbage till the flys come out and I find out.

My youngest is starting to show issues. I left my kids father due to abuse. When he hurt one of the kids I took them and left. He hit and shook the youngest. I thought she had gotten off scott free but recently she has been hording food in her room and not sleeping and lots of other things. Im exhausted. I really am.

I have no family that will take them. There grandparents on there fathers side refuses to help me. There grandfather on the dads side thinks im a gold digging bi**h because Im asking for help with day care so I can get out of poverty.

Currently I have less income then welfare. I have to raise 3 children with special needs and myself on less money then welfare. I have spent all the money I was given as inheritance on court costs and thing the kids needed like medication, food ect.

I dont know where this is going. I Just know I feel lost. I feel hurt. I feel like Heavenly Father has too much faith in me. I dont know if I will ever be able to take care of these kids.

I feel lost and hurt a lot of the time. Being a single parent is hard. Being a single parent to special needs kids is harder.

some times I feel like I have messed my life up. Not saying my kids are a wrong decisision. But that I just dont do right things. That I have screwed things up. That I will never be any good.
I mean what guy in there right mind would want to take on someone like me, and my three messed up children. We are not worth it.

Can I submit that it's NOT his timing?

Do you have faith in Heavenly Father to submit to his will? To be ok with the fact that it may not be his timing for what you want?
Since I converted in February the verse in Mosiah 3 has rang true so much in my life.

becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

Are you willing to accept that it may not be heavenly fathers timing? Are you ok with that? I am reminded of Jesus when he went to the garden to pray. I did a scripture study with Ant Gawler and we read about how Jesus prayed to Heavenly Father to take this task away from him but only if it is Heavenly a Fathers will.

And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.

I think the hardest thing is knowing that it's not Heavenly Fathers timing for me to have an eternal companion. It's something that I know a lot of us struggle with. For me it's leading that I need to submit to Heavenly Father and his timing and not be that bratty child who stomps her feet and says NO! I want it NOW. I can't be like Verica Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I need to trust in heavenly Fathers timing.

It means I can still pray for it. After all Jesus prayed multiple times to confirm that he needed to submit to Heavenly Fathers will.

It's hard. But I know my prayers are going to change. I need to learn to thank Heavenly Father for his timing. I need to thank Him for his timing and learn to submit to it.

I just wanted to share with you my ramblings at 5 am that Heavenly Father woke me up to read this Artical and then ponder it. Please enjoy reading it here.

Back after Time off...

I have taken some time off due to stress of breaking up with my boyfriend. My emotions have run high. I miss him like crazy just wishing things could be back what they used to be. Missing his arms around me hold me tight.

I think my hormones have been out of wack because I have been such a wreck. I have been going from sobbing and basicly begging him back (not usually my style) to being super hyper and happy.

Im trying to pray more. I know that Heavenly Father knows whats out there for me. Knows that there is someone better waiting for me.

Luckily Heavenly Father  has sent a great person in to my life. He is a cousin of Sister G. One of the sisters who helped me get baptized. We have spent time talking on facebook, and chatting on the phone.

He has been there through some very bad swings I have had over the last month. Swings where I was feeing so depressed I actually thought about killing my self, about giving up custody of my kids, about hurting myself. Swings I have not felt this deep since I was 13 and raped and kidnapped.

The late night phone calls. The caring words. The amazing laughter to his voice. The call to say goodnight that ended up with a 5 hour phone call till the wee part of the morning.

The soft way he is pushing me to be a better person. The way I feel like I can share everything with him. The way he is so easy to talk to and I don't feel like he judges me. Im hoping that in the beginning of October I will be able to see him in person.

Well the day is ending and I need sleep before service tomorrow.
I hope you all that read have an amazing sunday.

Can we still stay friends?

Some things happened over the canada day long weekend. I was staying friends with my ex boyfriend. We got in to a big disagreement. He was not vocal the way I expected about it being time to leave to drive me and my kids home, and then a fight happened. So I told him I was sorry and to go to his canada day event and I would figure something out.

I spent the next hour in tears at the beach as my kids played with there new friends. Got to touch crabs that one of the ward members caught. Learn about paddle boarding, and just had a blast. They got soaking wet in the ocean and then dried off. They were having a fantastic time.

I ended up getting home safe. I made a new friend with a young mom who was around my age and lives up near UBC while her husband is working on his Doctorate. It was great to get to know people. The mid singles were supposed to attend along with the Vancouver family ward. There was only 3 other singles there. And they were all way older then me, and not in the mid singles age.

Well the kids had fun. We got home ok. I still am upset about the way that my conversation with my ex went. It was a fight but then he brought my parenting in to it. Telling me that I let the kids make all the rules and that I'm not the adult. I admit I'm not a super strict parent and yes my kids do get away with a lot, but Im also a single mother.

When your a single parent its hard. My kids respond better with a 2 parent household and its just so much easier. Its better when you have someone that can back you up. Someone that can help watch the two while you deal with the one that is causing trouble. Its really hard being a single mother. I never chose to be a single mother, nor did I want to be a single mom. BUT this is what happened. And I can't change it.

I got home and I went to bed. My eyes were swollen from crying. I really do still care about him. I do still love him. But after this I'm not sure what or if I want a friendship with him. I still have to figure out about my computer he has, and I have his scriptures in my car. I also came across the love letters I wrote him for our 6 month anniversary and I have the painting that I made him.

I have also started talking to a new guy, He is related to one of the sister missionaries that helped me get baptized. Lets call him D.... Well D is such a sweet guy. Im not to sure if he likes me, or if its just a friendship thing. We have had quite a few long phone calls. Talking in to the wee morning. He is super sweet, but he lives quite a ways away.

I went to the YSA in my area. Not the one I was baptized in, It was good. I admit a few people got on my nerves as they were not reverent and were joking around and not really listening and being super distracting. But I enjoyed the lesson and the discussion and the talking. There were a few really nice people there. They are doing a movie night for FHE tomorrow. Im thinking I'm going to try to go. But I need to find a ride there. Not sure if I can find a way to get out there. But Im going to try to get out and enjoy it.  I plan to go to some more of the YSA activities and keep going to the family ward. I hope to make some single friends around my age.

Broken Heart and Moving on.

Its been just under two weeks with this broken heart. Tomorrow is supposed to be the 6 month anniversary with the one I gave my heart to. But its not. Instead today I see him as he offered to watch my kids as I go to a mid singles event. I have now been pushed out of the YSA and I feel lost.  Im not married so I don't fit in with the married mothers at my ward, but I'm being told I'm not welcome at the YSA. There are no Mid Singles wards in my area. I am in this limbo land.

I hope that tomorrow on Canada Day I can meet a few of the mid singles in the area. Im also going today to a mid singles event tonight and I hope that I can meet someone. Make some friends at least. I also spoke with my lawyer the other day and she says that my ex should be able to take the kids so I can go to the mid singles camping event. Its 3 days out in Hope BC. She says if he does not take the kids then I would be able to go to court and get an injunction for him to take the children since he is rarely taking them as is.

My heart is still broken. It hurts so much. I still have my anniversary gift to give my ex. I don't want to keep them. I had a bunch of love letters that I had written him. They are in a little book. I had written about half of them. Then there is a painting that I did for him. I always used to tell him that I loved him to the moon and back. So i painted a picture of the moon and the earth and the stars. I have seen it on my kitchen table for the last 2 weeks. Its been sitting there staring at me. I want to trash it. I want to throw it. I want to light it on fire. But the thing is I love him. I will always love him.

There are a only a few people you ever fall in love with. I still remember my first love. I remember being crushed by him just leaving out of my life, no answers. Then there was my ex husband, I fell for him and loved him with all my heart. I still will love him as the father of my children. Every time I look at my oldest daughter I see him in her. I see that spunky personality and the same face and colouring and freckles and hair. And then my ex boyfriend. I will always have a part of my heart devoted to him. He was the man I saw that could handle my kids, treat them as if they were his own. He was the one that when we kissed he took my breath away. The one that when we had our first spat and he thought I was being to friendly/hitting on his roommate and friend and wanting to spend time with him only I went and told him that I loved him and if I didn't care about him so much I would not be putting in the effort and the time for him. I still love him. I care about him. I am glad that we can both be friends.

Its going to take me awhile to be ok with just being friends. But I am glad that he told me that he is not reddy for marriage. That he is not ready to settle down. I admit it hurts as he is the one that I saw myself going to the temple with him, and every verse and good word he sends to me makes me melt and I feel Heavenly Fathers love through him.

I am happy that he still wants to be in the kids lives. He still wants to hang out with my son, and my kids. That he will be there to give them a blessing if they need it. He will be there to listen to them, to talk to them, to guide to them.

I now have to start this journey on my own. To find my eternal companion. I hope that some day I will be able to find him. I want to be able to go to the temple. To find that one person that cares about me as much as I care about him. The one that will treat my children the same way I treat them and even treat them better. I need this eternal companion soon. I need him for my heart, for my children who need a father figure in there life. I need someone who is going to give me 100% and I will give them 100%.  This is not the journey I wanted. This is not the path I wanted to take.

But I need to know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. For I am his child and I can't see that plan that he has, but I need to trust him that he knows what is right for me and that things will be ok.

It's over..., time to tick single

So it's officially over. We almost made is 6 months. In 7 days we would have hit that point. 

I have a painting I made him. I poured my heart and soul in to this relationship. I spent many days praying, reading scripture, following that still small voice. 

He was a man I loved so much. He is an amazing man of our Heavenly Father. His smile can light a room, he is great with my children. He was everything I wanted in a man. 

But things had grown a bit distant and today he told me that we were in different place emotionally/physically/spiritually. That he is not ready for marriage, and doesn't know if he will be. That I have my life organized and he dosnt. 

My heart broke today. This is the man I fell in love with. The one I wanted to hold me forever. The one I want to go to the temple with. The one I want to pray to Heavenly Father on vended knee with every night. The one I want to be my forever. To be my love to the moon and back. 

But I love him. But he does not love me in that way. My heart is breaking. In a million little pieces. I have been crying so much since Sunday when I knew this was going to happen that my kids saw me bawling while making the dinner and serving them and they said nothing. 

At dinner prayer my kids blessed the meal and prayed for him. They pray for him every morning and every night. I don't know how my kids are going to take it. My children love this man. My oldest girl was in tears that she was not going to be able to sing him Father's Day song at church as her bio father got Sunday visitation. All three of my children are going to be hurt. I just don't know. 

I feel so hurt. My heart is broken. I don't know if it will heal. 

Heartbreak and Pie...

So I had a good talk with sister J who is now home and just J to me... I had sent her a FB message as things had been rough lately with my boyfriend. 

We had gone through a rough patch and even when I told him I was going through a lot of emotional things and needed some extra hugs and cuddles. I tried to start kissing him and he turned away. It's been about 3 weeks where I feel like he has not wanted to touch me, and I felt very unloved. 

Coming from a place where my father has told me he has lived me and I can count it on one hand. A marriage that ended with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. Feeling unloved and not cared fore can set me in to a deep spiral. I was at the point I needed to be shown that I was cared about. He is very literal and I need to make sure to ask for the things I need. So I told him, and still yet he could not hold me, kiss me, and show me affection. 

I went last Sunday to the YSA with him. I had written the night before 4 little love notes. I have fallen for him hard. We have been dating almost 6 months. When I first converted marriage was the last thing on my mind. I was done after my ex husband. I was so hurt. 

Slowly I found joy. The smile on his face. The way he treated my kids. The way my kids respect and love him. How he took my son out on a guys night to the comic book store and how my son is still talking about it. The joy in the little teasing he would do to me, like tugging on my pony tail, throwing pop corn at each other in the movies, the cheeky grin on his face. 

This is a man I have fallen in love with. When we were texting on Sunday I asked him if he loved me. The answers back after we're not what I was expecting. My heart was crushed. Words thrown around like "don't want you to put all your eggs in one basket".... My heart was broken 

I'm still not sure if we are over. My eyes are swollen from crying so much. My heart feels like it has been stomped on and run over. 

I got some good words of advice from J. My sister, friend, and spiritual mom! She told me to think of PIE. I was confused. But she told me it stood for physical emotional Intellectual. She said we need to get our pie daily. So I'm starting to try to. 

Today I took a walk to the grocery store. Took a few laps at round the store before I grabbed the Starbucks pink drink, and then I'm having an spot with the sister missionaries at lunch time. And tonight I'm going to take my kids to see finding dory and I'm going to have my emotional. Or watch more greys on Netflix. 

Heartache is hard to get over. This man I have been dating I have thought of him as someone who could be Daddy to my kids, someone I could see myself having another child with. It's very hard to see these things go. These dreams I had for us disappear. But I need to pray. Heavenly Father has a plan. I know my eternal companion is out there. Somewhere. I just need to pray for him 

Flaws? Me? Nawh!

I had a thought this morning. My blog is called the flawed Mormon. Talking with my son he said that's because no one is perfect except Jesus on earth. 

Now if you were perfect would anything bad happen? What would happen when you failed at something? Could you fail? 

Then makes me think about my own flaws. I'm prity sure my boyfriend and kids could add to this list. 

-trust to much/give too many second chances

-get angry/yell too much

-too high strung (thanks boyfriend) 

-to giving with help/money

-lazy

-too needy 

-text too much

-need to be touched/held too much 

-too emotional/crys to easily. 

-forgets to pray

-judges others

-swears

-issues with truthfulness (with my kid, yes the store is out of soda!) 

Now it makes me think about how I can work on those flaws. I'm working on anger right now. It's hard to not yell at my kids. I loose my temper with them early. I'm also working on being high strung. My boyfriend has pointed that out to me on a few occasions. I'm trying to calm down and stay a bit more low key and relax. It's hard. 

Now can we pray to Heavenly Father and ask him to help us with our flaws? Yes! Flaws are a type of burden we can ask Heavenly Father to take from us! 

This week I'm going to work on my prayer and asking Heavenly Father to help me calm down and be less high strung. 

What are you going to work on? 

It wasn't suppose to be like this

My post today was supposed to be about this amazing message I heard in sacrament. About how blessed I am. It wasn't supposed to be like this. 

But last night for 50+ people, it wasn't supposed to be like that either.

There was a mass shooting at a LGBTQ nightclub. Those people went there to have a good time. To flirt. To enjoy life. To socialize with friends. To hang out with there chosen family.

Over 50 mothers lost there kids last night. Over 50 not being able to say I love you one last time. Not being able to hug them, or smell them one last time. 

This is crazy and has me so angry. 

Even if you think LGBTQ people are wrong they do not deserve to die. 

I am an LGBTQ Ally. I have LGBTQ friends, and family. These are mothers, sisters, fathers, brothers and children.  We are all children of Heavenly Father. And right now Heavenly Father is weeping for the loss of his children. 

Please no matter your religion, or lack of religion. Love your LGBTQ neighbors.  Show them love and kindness. 

Today please light a candle and think about the sadness. The loss. The amazing lives cut short. 

Heavenly Father loves each of you and wants you to love everyone else. 

My prayers are with Orlando 

Road trip!

So last month I took a road trip with my kids and boyfriend. It was an amazing time. 

My kids love him so much and behave with him. When all of us are together things run so smoothly. 

The road trip had a few bumps here and there. But a together it was amazing! 

The drive up to grande prairie was amazing. First time my kids remember driving through the Rockies. We listens to conference talks, chatted, and had fun! 

We went up there for one of my best friends 30th birthday. Was great to hang out and chill. She is one of those friends who no matter how long you are apart you just pick up where you left off! 

I got to see my boyfriend interact with my kids, with the other kids there, and my friends. I fell in love with this man a over again! 

It was hard during the party. It was my first big party being sober. I usually am the one doing vodka or pornstar shots. Was so different drinking just Diet Coke. 

Thankfully I have amazing friends who made it no big deal. I played beer pong for the first time, but with no beer. And played some fun card games.

We went to sacrament at 9am the night after the party. Then we drove to Edmonton. Spent a night at a hotel then we went the Edmonton temple. 

My kids went for the first time. It was good to think and to get guidance. And pray. I have been going through a lot of emotional things and I need to just go sit in the temple grounds right now but don't think I will get there for awhile. 

We hit an LDS book store after and I spent way way too much. But it's good. We then drove back home. Got home super super late. 

This trip is when my children fell in love with him. When they ask when he is coming over. When they want to go out with him. When they ask if he can come to there field trips at school. When they ask for him to help with homework. When they go out together to the comic book store and hang out without me for a few hours. When he comes home so super excited and full of happiness. 

It's been six months with this man. There have been more ups then down. I know where I want this to go. But I'm waiting to get confirmation from the spirit. 

I think I'll touch more on this in another post tomorrow 

Pride month!

It's been awhile! Sorry for no real posts in the last while. 

It's pride month. Some of you may not know that I'm a LGBTQ ally and I have. Heart for our transgender brothers and sisters out there. 

As its pride month one of my boyfriends roommates made me a set of Ill go with you pins!  It made me so happy as transgender kids/teens have only have a 50% chance of making it to age 18!!! That's so sad isn't it? 

These kids have so many things stacked against them. They are currently being killed and murdered by there parents, friends, family, dating partners, and the community. 

One death in the transgender community stuck out to me. This trans woman was run over and the sick person backed up and ran over her again and again. This murder did not get national headline news, it was hidden away. Not cool. This is one of heavenly fathers children! 

So with it being pride this month in asking you to find one way to show your love to our lgbtq community. 

You can pick up these pins on etsy at 

https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/281669752/set-of-2-lgbtq-illgowithyou-trans-ally

Love me, But you need to love my kids.

Yesterday I had a spat with my boyfriend. It really hurt me as I care deeply about this man. I feel like he could be a future spouse. I care about his needs before my own. I want to see him happy, and prosper, and to be the best he can be. I truly do love him. 

But being a single mother, my kids are top in my life. There dad has been checked out of there life for quite some time. Is it a bad thing that I want a good man to be a role model in there life? 

Is it wrong that in my dating relationship I want someone who could be there and love my kids just as much as he loves me? Someone who wants to spend time with the kids? Who asks to go with us to do things? Someone who will pull my kids aside and read the bible with them. 

I want a man who will want to come to sacrament with us. One who wants to help me take care of my kids during the service when they start getting antzy. One who wants to take my kids to the park to run and play. One who wants to go out with them and myself. 

I know my three kids can be a handful. I know my three kids are not the most well behaved kids. I know my kids have me in tears more often then not. But is it bad that I want a man to be there to help wipe my tears and help me with my children?

Yesterday I was angry and upset. I was hurt because my children's behaviour is driving a wedge with my boyfriend wanting to spend time with me and my children. But I need to re think that. My boyfriend should be wanting to spend time with my family and I. He should be asking to do things with my kids and I. He should want to be there with me. 

Back in January I did not want to marry. I never saw myself getting married again as I did not want to be hurt again. But now, 5 months later I want to get married some day. I want support of a spouse. I want that happiness. I want that man I can pray with before bed. I want that man who can give me a preasthood blessing when I'm hurt emotionally. I want that man who can pray with my children and guide them. 

Will I ever find this man? I don't know. Will I keep praying for him. Yes. 

 

Finally done with police....

Finally finished with police...   Yep it's a txt you never want to get from a loved one. Today after I was done at the vets office (my 3 legged cat is sick and not sure what is wrong but that's for another day) I got that as a reply from my boyfriend.

I found out that he was hit from behind by a driver in a small car. He then told me that the other drivers car is a write off and all the airbags went off.

This scared me beyond belief as first I was worried about his physical health. That he was on an adrenalin high and would not feel any injury.

Second I was scared because I really care about him. And I sent him these words after he assured me that he was ok.

"I care about you so much I don't know what I would do if I lost you. I know it was not that bad but I care about you a lot. More then I can put in to words right now."

I love this amazing man. We can't go without texting each other multiple times a day. I feel lost without his txts. I truly care for him and want to make sure his needs are met, and that he is taken care of. And the most amazing thing is he takes care of my needs. He is a gift from Heavenly Father at the right time.

Be the person you want to marry

I started talking to someone. And was given some great advice. She suggested to write down what i want in a future husband and to strive to be that. so here is goes in random order.

• will tell me all that he is thinking and be there to hear everything that I'm thinking. 
• who will be romantic and show me physicaly and verbally that he loves me. 
• who will love my kids just as much as I love them. 
• will want to pray with me every day
• will want to work on issues and sit down and fix them. 
• who will push me to be the best that i can be
• who will help me with house work, and things that need to be done
• who i can laugh with
• who will be there when I'm sad and depressed and just hold me
• who will be there in the good and in the bad
• who will love me. 
• who will want the best for me
• who will want the best for my kids
• someone who will put my needs over his, and will let me put his needs over mine. 
• who will be my equal
• who will put 100% in to the relationship as i will put 100% in. 
• will understand that we may need time apart when we are mad at each other but want to fix things. 
• will want to travel. I love to travel. 
• will listen to all my silly hopes and dreams
• will wipe away my tears
• will love me no matter what. 
• will always try. no quitting in the relationship. 
• will be faithful. 

now to try to be this person for my future husband.

Truly evolved man will treat you differently

I was reading a article on how a truly evolved man will treat you differently then any other guy. I thought I would look at its points.

1. You will share the drivers seats.
Well the guy I'm seeing is an introvert. He does give me the option to choose most things, but when I give him the choice it's great. I like it that we both can switch. I wish he would choose more often.
2. They will see things in a way you may never have.
So true! He always gives me another perspective. Kindly telling me if I'm too upset, how to look at it from the other perspective and if I'm letting myself get walked all over.
3. They will challenge your shit.
 True. This man pushes me to be a better mother, girlfriend, and most of all child of God!
4. You might not feel loved.
True. I'm so used to physical only relationship. But when he cares that I'm safe when busing around, or that I have eaten, or if I'm sleeping enough. I'm used to physical kissy and sexual. But this man cares and makes sure I'm fully cared for.
5. You will love beyond what you've ever known.
Yes! This man cares about me and wants to push me to be the best I can be both physically and spiritually. He knows exactly what I need and try's with his whole power to do it or get it.
6. Communication will be his greatest strength.
Well we are working on communication but we have great conversations. I know it's just a thing for us to slowly work on.


Now I'm learning to be the type of partner I want. I'm trying hard to keep my cell use to a minimum when out. I'm trying to love like I want to be loved, and be the type of person I want to love me.

I keep thinking of proverbs 31, and striving to be that sort of woman for my future spouse.

Listening to the spirit

Im still trying to listen to the spirit. Its hard sometimes when you want something but are not sure if it is the spirit talking or your own wants.

I had a good talk with a few friends about it. Got some good advice.

K gave me this advice:

That can be an hour long conversation. Lol 😱 I'm still learning every day. If I feel good about a certain path and pray about it and still feel good about it, I have confidence in that decision. Sometimes I start to go down a certain path and there is second guessing and confusion and that can be confirmation to try a different path. Usually if you have a thought and it is a righteous desire or a righteous choice, that is the spirit. Also, the more you act on those thoughts from the spirit, the better you will get at recognizing how the spirit speaks to you and he will speak to you more because he knows you will act. I hope that makes sense.


Its hard when you are unsure of if its your want or the the spirit speaking.

But Im happy for a change. Im feeling good. In my talks with friends they said if I feel good and i don't have anxiety or questions then its from Heavenly Father.

Now if I can just work on patience. As a mother we teach our kids about patience and learning how to be patient. But its hard when you think you know the time is right.

now to take time to work on me. Time to pull out the paper journal and get working,

Fish up stream, Lost sheep, Two Masks, Kick the dog....

I’m going through an emotional moment. I know it will pass. I know I need to ride it out. I go in waves like the sea. I have always since I was a little kid. My friends and family always told me I was a true Pisces. The fish. Going up the stream one way then going with the stream the other way.

This point I don’t know exactly where I’m going. I’m having a hard time with chastity. This is hard for me because one of my love languages is being physical. I enjoy touch, It’s more important to me than other things. Getting hugged, cuddled, and more is what my body craves. But yet I’m in this situation where I was married for 13 years and getting all that. Yet now I’m not married. But I’m dating. But I can’t do what I had done with my husband with my boyfriend. I want him to touch me. I want him to show how much he cares. I want him to kiss me passionately.

 I admit that quite often I don’t feel good enough because he is not showing me affection like this. Like I’m doing something wrong. Like I’m ugly. Like I’m disgusting. Like I’m just a body to be use for his pleasure, I’m just there to be used like my ex used me like leftovers. Like I don’t deserve any pleasure in life, I’m here to just make others happy. Like I’m just a big fat blob. It’s hard. I’m also at the heaviest that I have ever been in my life. So my feeling good about myself is at a low point.

I have been listening to the last conference talks over and over. And I feel like the lost sheep lately. I feel lost. I know I need to just look towards heavenly father and ask him to come rescue me. But the thing is I don’t feel worthy to be found. I feel like garbage. I feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like a failure to Christ. Like why did he die for me? I so did not deserve it. After all, I’m just a worthless piece of crap that isn’t good for anything. I have a real hard time with self-worth. I know I need to work on it more.

More often than not I feel like a person who is carrying around two masks. The ones from the plays. The sad face, and the happy face. I have the happy face on and telling everyone that I’m fine, and that things are ok. Because people only want to see the happy. They don’t want to see the sadness that I have inside me. The pain that I’m caring and the not matter how many times I “try to give it up to God” it just won’t go. But I have to keep that happy face on. Because no one wants to see the sad me. I have this lyric in my head “You just bleed to know your alive”

Sometimes I just want to feel physical pain instead of this emotional pain. Getting hurt physically will heal. But this pain that I feel inside I’m not sure if I will ever heal from it. I feel so lost and hurt and angry.

The hardest part is this guy I’m with. I love him so much. I care about him so much. I want all the world for this man. This amazing man. But he deserves so much better than me. I have no idea why he is still with me, or what he sees in me.

Because right now I just feel like that puppy dog. The puppy dog that is the one that that angry man comes home to, and kicks. I don’t know when I will stop being that puppy dog.