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Friday 26 August 2016

You may Leave but you NEVER get out...

Having a hard time today. I left my ex husband due to abuse. But I'm only starting to understand that you may leave but you never get out.



Its been 3 years and I still have his words in my head. I still hear his words when things ended in my last relationship (where I fell in love hard and still care about the guy) that I will never be good enough. That the relationship ended because I could not please him right. That because of my choice of religion and following the laws of chastity that he would not want me, he would not want me unless I could please him. That I was a piece of garbage and why would he want me. What man would want to be with something that was so used and abused and garbage like I am.  That I'm worthless. That I'm stupid. That I will never amount up to anything good. That no matter how much I love him him, he could never love me because I'm not worth it.

My mind still thinks those things daily. Like that I'm a screw up as a mom. That I'm and ass hole. That I will never amount to anything. That I cant handle being alone. That I cant handle being a single mom. That I wont be able to do anything unless I give my body to another man. That I wont be able to survive without him or another man.

Its hard.

Its so hard leaving an abusive man. An abusive relationship.

These voices run through my head on a daily basis.

I know that I am my own worst enemy. I just hear these words in my head daily. I cry tears because I hurt so much.

Im sitting here in bed right now crying because I just want to be held. Because I'm scared more then anything I will never find anyone that wants to love this broken mind and body.

Im sitting here, looking at my temple recommend to go do baptisms and all that runs through my head is thoughts that I'm not worthy enough. That I never will be.

I have a hard time praying latley. I have hard time doing anything lately. Im struggling with really bad depression. Im dealing with financial issues and I really need help. Im over my head and being a single parent I'm struggling. But more so I'm struggling with these words and feelings in my head.

And all I can do is cry out to Heavenly Father to send me my companion and hope that he has enough band aids to put me back together. And to pray that he comes fast.

Tuesday 23 August 2016

Why did Heavenly Father Trust me with them?

As a mom of special needs kids I wonder often why he trusts me with them. I have been told that I had these kids for a reason and that heavenly father has blessed me with them. That he knows I can take care of them and teach them and help them grow.

But its beyond hard. My daughter was diagnosed with FASD this last year. I drank under 6 drinks in the first 6 weeks of my twin pregnancy. My ex also drank quite a bit and they think his factor of drinking helped too. My Son who is the other twin has other issues but it looks like he has FASD as well.

With this I have to tell them things in one step. They dont have the memory skills to do things that take more then two steps. They still at age 8 forget to wipe there bum and flush the toilet and wash there hands. If i dont tell them what type of clothing to wear they will wear long sleved clothing and long johns in the summer and scooter shorts and tanks tops in the winter.

Then if i sleep in they will eat all the snacks for breakfast. Like this last week I had some extra money and went shopping and they ate 2 weeks of groceries in 3 days. Hiding wrappers and garbage till the flys come out and I find out.

My youngest is starting to show issues. I left my kids father due to abuse. When he hurt one of the kids I took them and left. He hit and shook the youngest. I thought she had gotten off scott free but recently she has been hording food in her room and not sleeping and lots of other things. Im exhausted. I really am.

I have no family that will take them. There grandparents on there fathers side refuses to help me. There grandfather on the dads side thinks im a gold digging bi**h because Im asking for help with day care so I can get out of poverty.

Currently I have less income then welfare. I have to raise 3 children with special needs and myself on less money then welfare. I have spent all the money I was given as inheritance on court costs and thing the kids needed like medication, food ect.

I dont know where this is going. I Just know I feel lost. I feel hurt. I feel like Heavenly Father has too much faith in me. I dont know if I will ever be able to take care of these kids.

I feel lost and hurt a lot of the time. Being a single parent is hard. Being a single parent to special needs kids is harder.

some times I feel like I have messed my life up. Not saying my kids are a wrong decisision. But that I just dont do right things. That I have screwed things up. That I will never be any good.
I mean what guy in there right mind would want to take on someone like me, and my three messed up children. We are not worth it.

Tuesday 16 August 2016

Can I submit that it's NOT his timing?

Do you have faith in Heavenly Father to submit to his will? To be ok with the fact that it may not be his timing for what you want?
Since I converted in February the verse in Mosiah 3 has rang true so much in my life.

becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

Are you willing to accept that it may not be heavenly fathers timing? Are you ok with that? I am reminded of Jesus when he went to the garden to pray. I did a scripture study with Ant Gawler and we read about how Jesus prayed to Heavenly Father to take this task away from him but only if it is Heavenly a Fathers will.

And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.

I think the hardest thing is knowing that it's not Heavenly Fathers timing for me to have an eternal companion. It's something that I know a lot of us struggle with. For me it's leading that I need to submit to Heavenly Father and his timing and not be that bratty child who stomps her feet and says NO! I want it NOW. I can't be like Verica Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I need to trust in heavenly Fathers timing.

It means I can still pray for it. After all Jesus prayed multiple times to confirm that he needed to submit to Heavenly Fathers will.

It's hard. But I know my prayers are going to change. I need to learn to thank Heavenly Father for his timing. I need to thank Him for his timing and learn to submit to it.

I just wanted to share with you my ramblings at 5 am that Heavenly Father woke me up to read this Artical and then ponder it. Please enjoy reading it here.

Saturday 6 August 2016

Back after Time off...

I have taken some time off due to stress of breaking up with my boyfriend. My emotions have run high. I miss him like crazy just wishing things could be back what they used to be. Missing his arms around me hold me tight.

I think my hormones have been out of wack because I have been such a wreck. I have been going from sobbing and basicly begging him back (not usually my style) to being super hyper and happy.

Im trying to pray more. I know that Heavenly Father knows whats out there for me. Knows that there is someone better waiting for me.

Luckily Heavenly Father  has sent a great person in to my life. He is a cousin of Sister G. One of the sisters who helped me get baptized. We have spent time talking on facebook, and chatting on the phone.

He has been there through some very bad swings I have had over the last month. Swings where I was feeing so depressed I actually thought about killing my self, about giving up custody of my kids, about hurting myself. Swings I have not felt this deep since I was 13 and raped and kidnapped.

The late night phone calls. The caring words. The amazing laughter to his voice. The call to say goodnight that ended up with a 5 hour phone call till the wee part of the morning.

The soft way he is pushing me to be a better person. The way I feel like I can share everything with him. The way he is so easy to talk to and I don't feel like he judges me. Im hoping that in the beginning of October I will be able to see him in person.

Well the day is ending and I need sleep before service tomorrow.
I hope you all that read have an amazing sunday.