Taking a step back

The last few days have been hard. Lots of feelings of being not good enough, useless, worthless.

It took a good week but I talked to the sister missionaries about getting a priesthood blessing. I finally got one from the branch president from YSA. It was needed. I was beyond needing it.

I know have a bit of a glimps in to what I need to do for Heavenly Father to bless me more.

I feel like I'm needing to step back and enjoy the ride in my relationship. I know my boyfriend is not in the same place I am.

Where I am at is I want a partner to help me with the kids. Someone to take an active help in the family. Someone to help with discipline, and be that person I can lean on and tap out to if things get too much. And truthfully I want that physical relationship too. After being previously married for a long time, I miss that, and I see him being the one I can be comfortable doing everything with.

Right now he has a lot on his own plate. And coming in to a situation where he would be an instant parent is hard. I'm not sure if he is ready for 3 kids.

This weekend is a woman's conference. I really want to go but can't find a sitter for them. I asked my boyfriend and it looks like I'm going to be just sticking him in the hot pot... I know your supposed to let the frog sit in the water as it warms to a boil... Well he is getting stuck in at a full boil.  

I'm continuing to pray. It's hard because I know he would be an amazing helpmeet. But my life is in chaos as I don't have that person to help me. To give me time off so I can clean and organize. To help with discipline. And boy am I having discipline issues with my kids. My kids are craving a father in there life. So badly. It's been almost 6 weeks since there father has seen them. They just want a father figure. It's hard.

Tonight I'm off to my ladies book club. It's really just a drinking social night. My first as a Mormon. I have not drank alcohol since a few weeks before I was baptized. This is going to be hard to go but I need to socialize with my friends I have not seen in a long time.

Just one day at a time.

Prayer for my BoyFriend

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for sending me an amazing man. You sent him to me right when I stopped looking. Right when I was full of anger and hurt. Thank you.

Thank you for sending a man who brought me back to you. One who was not afraid to share the scriptures, his church, and to drive me there. Thank you for working through him. For you tone helping him share the scriptures and have the right words to say.

Thank you for his amazing smile, the sparkle in his eye and his soft lips. Thank you for his warm arms that wrap arround me.

Heavenly Father please help me be a blessing to him. Please help me with getting him to open up. Please help me stay faithful to you Heavenly Father and faithful to him.

Heavenly Father please bless him with all he does. When he goes out and labours with his hands, when he is at home reading, when he is driving the hour from my home to his.

Please bless this amazing man. Please keep him safe. Please bless this man that I care for so much.

In Jesus name I pray,
Amen

Dear Future Husband II

Dear Future Husband,

I am a mess. Broken inside and out. I hurt so much I lash out and hurt those I love. I will push you away the times I need you the most. Dear future husband, I will latch on to your physical needs as that is how I have been taught to show love. You will need to love me, before the physical me. Please be tender, caring, and soft with me. I know I may act like I want you to hurt me, just hold me close and kiss me on the forehead. Dear future husband, I'm sorry.

Dear Future Husband,

I come to you broken and hurt. Every kind word you say to me, I wonder when put down or jab will come. Every sweet touch of your hand makes me wonder when the sting of being hit will happen.

It's not your fault. You walked in on me when I was broken, hurt, and a mess. I kept my mouth shut for years. Tried to be the good wife. I kept it all bottled inside.

Dear future husband, this will be a long road for us. I have to learn to trust you. To let you in. I have to learn that I don't have do sexual things to make you happy. I have to learn that it's not my fault all the time. I have to learn to love again. And most of all I have to learn to be loved, and know I'm worthy of love.

Dear future husband, I pray for you. I pray that our Heavenly Father will bless you. I pray that you will seek him first. I pray that your days are blessed. I pray that our Heavenly Father guides you, that you soak up his word in scripture study and raise your voice to him in praise. I long for the day we will be able to kneel in prayer together. Sharing scripture with my children. I pray that we go to our Heavenly Father together with our problems. That we work on things together, and try to not raise our voices to each other.

Dear future husband, I pray that you find peace, love, and hope. I pray that you are surrounded by friends and loved ones. I pray that our Heavenly Father guide you in all you do. And most of all I pray that you are praying for me too.

Love,
Your future wife

Worthless child of Heavenly Father

Today at sacrament I just had this overwhelming feeling of worthlessness. I have had a lot happen to me in the last few years. My trials have sucked the life out of me.

Looking at my girls during the service (my son was sick at home with my dad) I realized how much I have screwed up my life.

I was 14 when I started dating my now ex husband. We got married when I was 19. On my wedding day I thought 3 times of calling it off. First was when they were setting up. Second was getting dressed. And the third time was when I was up there and the justice of the peace could not pronounce my name. I had this feeling of dread. But I pushed it out.

Then he went and quit his job just after we bought a house and went back to school. He wanted to be a pilot. Then he got very friendly with a young girl from his flight school. She came on to our friendship circle. He ended up having a emotional affair with her, I don't know if it turned physical. I found out a few years after she lied about her age and was under age at the time.

Then after counselling, a move to Alberta and back to BC. We decided to have kids. A few years after the kids were born he had a physical affair and got mentally and physically abusive. To the point where we were on vacation and he had me so beaten down that I almost swallowed a whole bottle of pills and walked in to the ocean to die.

We had gotten back and I started hiding money so I had some cash to leave. But things got jump started when he hit our 4 year old daughter. I left the next day. It was hard but I did it.

Then after I got settled my dad was found unconscious. He had a massage be stroke and almost died. I had to choose what parent to take care of. My mom was dying from an illness like ALS...

Then last year my mom died.  While my mom was dying my ex husband refuses to help watch the kids so I had to spend thousands to go to court to get him to watch his kids while my mom died.

My ex husband has not seen his kids in over 4 weeks. Ignoring my lawyers letters. I have had to spend more money then I wanted to and wiping away more tears then I should have had to.

My emotional state has been messed up. It's hard as I feel self worth=sex and that's not the way it should be. And I know that's not the way it should be.

I feel like I should be doing more for my dating partner. I feel like I'm leaching off and not being a good partner. I just hurt inside. I feel like sex is something I have to give to show my appreciation. And being in a relationship with someone who is Mormon has put me in a emotional tailspin as I'm used to being used by men in my life. Used like a toy for there pleasure. But this relationship is different.

He treats me with respect, he opens the door for me, he truly cares about me. But for some reason I feel so broken inside. He holds my hand and cuddles me, but yet I feel alone. I truly love this man. I have not felt like this about another man before. I know it comes from my internal issues. I feel like I'm pushing him away.

I pray every day for this man. I pray every day for my future husband. Now I need to pray for God to help heal my broken heart and emotions and help me find self worth.

I'm FINE!

Today has hit me hard. I miss my mother so much today. It hurts so much inside. I would give anything just to hear her voice one last time. My heart hurts more then I can express.

My mom lost the ability to talk about 6 years ago. Right before I found out I was going to have my babies. It was hard having to talk to my dad and get information on my moms pregnancy from him. I missed hearing her voice. But having her around was good.

Its like the time you hear an old voice mail and you just keep hitting save every time you hear it because you know you love to hear there voice and haven’t heard from them in a long time.

I miss my mother so much that these tears just wont stop coming down. That I can’t even get my body out of bed. That my kids have eaten way to much cereal, take out, and sandwiches in the last few days.

I feel so sad and lost that I just don’t want to wake up. I’m not suicidal. But I just feel this immense pain inside. I feel this loss. This hurt.

I feel so sad and angry and upset. I have this last week wanted to sabotage relationships. It started Sunday with the sister missionaries calling me to sing me happy birthday. And I burst out crying. I have wanted to push them away. I had a hard time going to church but I still did it. I want to push Heavenly Father away too. Then this week I have been so stressed out I find myself picking fights with boyfriend, and just wanting to text him and tell him to forget about me, and to go away and to find someone else.

I have always been a person who feels emotions strongly. I always feel everything with 100% of my being. I’m always the person who is really really happy. Or I’m really really really sad.  There never seams to be a medium for me.

Today has been the worst so far. I just want to push everyone away. To the point when my boyfriend texts me asking me how I’m doing I ask him if he wants to she sugar coated truth, the real truth, or the appearance to the world truth?

My mom when she was upset or things were not going ok would say “I’m FINE” it had that tone on the end of the fine, and she said it through clenched teeth. Now I understand why she said it. I say it quite a bit of the time. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.

But the thing is im NOT fine. I wont be fine. Im hurt, im angry, im sad, im alone, im abandoned, I cant get out of bed, I cant stop crying, I feel like my heart is getting ripped out, and I want to push anyone and everyone away. I have so much anger in me right now and I just want to hurt as many people as possible.

I have 3 more weeks till her death date. My heart is so full of pain, I keep thinking of this one song, the lyrics “You just bleed to know you are alive.” I understand the wanting to have physical pain to numb the emotional pain. I have no idea where this blog post is going.  I don’t even really have a verse or anything to say other then I know that Heavenly Father is there for me, and there for others going through the same thing. Right now I cant see that, or feel that. But I know Heavenly Father is there.  I have heard from more then one source that I should find someone to ask for a priesthood blessing, But being still new in the church I don’t know of anyone I can ask. I just Pray to Heavenly Father that He knows my Heart and will help me every day.

Anger, Hurt, and Death

Today was a day that tested me like no other. I have been having disciple issues with my kids. They are not listening and acting out.  There biological father, my ex husband has refused to see them for 3 weeks, its going on almost a month. Its hurting them slowly and they are acting out like crazy.

I have been doing a good job controlling my anger. Keeping things in check. My new boyfriend has helped me emotionally and I have been a better mother and been yelling less at them. But today way a bad day. It was hard. There was screaming back and forth, they were hurting each other, being disrespectful and and angry. Today I let my temper flair and it scared me.

I sent them to their rooms, I went to mine, and I cried. I cried as I did not know what to do. I wanted more then anything to ask my mom for help. To have a spouse to tag and let them know I needed time out. I just wanted a break. But I had no one.

I had no one to talk to. I had no one to take my kids. I had no one to give me a break. And so I sat in my bed and and I cried. I cried very very hard. Its only a few weeks away till the anniversary of my mom’s death. I have been trying to find someone to watch my kids so I can just go away. I don’t want to be home for it. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be around anyone. I just want to hide away and cry.

I’m starting to slip in to a dark place. I’m so angry and hurt still. I hurt about so much. I hurt about my marriage going to crap. I hate that the man that I loved with all my heart and promised I would take care of till death do us part decided to abuse me, and hurt my kids. I hate that I had to see my mom taken from slowly over the years and then be the one to hold her hand as she died, and as she took her last breaths. I hate that I had to choose between what parent to take care of. I hate that I feel so alone. I hate that I have been abused so much that I don’t feel worthy of love and affection and that when my boyfriend shows he cares about me I feel like I’m not worthy of it. I hate that I want to sabotage relationships as I have been hurt so much in the past.

I don’t know really how to end this post. Dealing with a death of a loved one is hard. There is loads of guilt, and anger, and hurt. I feel lost and abandoned. Its at this point I want to push everyone away. I want to hurt others. But I’m trying so hard to take it one day at a time.

Listen to what I say, Do it, And DON'T ask questions!

 I have sat down for the last few days and have tried to knock out a few blog posts. Its been hard as soon as I set down and get it half written it feels so wrong. But I know Heavenly Father is working on me. I know that He is teaching me things through my children and its hard but its messages I need to learn.

Right now my big lesson is how to “becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father”

YEP! Its hitting me hard this week. Im dealing with my youngest child having issues listening. She is driving me up the wall. Im having a hard time with her. She wont listen, she wont do what is act, and she is driving me CRAZY!!!!

But then I sit there after I get mad and yell at her to listen to me and do what I say without question… BUT the thing is, am I listening to my Heavenly Father? Am I listening to his words? And am I doing what he asks me to do? Am I doing it without question?

And unfortunately my answer is no. Im not. I need to change. I need to listen to his small quiet voice. I need to listen to what he is telling me. I need to submit like my child.

We all have our faults. We all do wrong. Heavenly Father gave us agency. He gave us that lovely ability to choose. To choose to do the right, or to choose to do what is wrong, or choose to just not listen.

With Easter coming up it makes me think about something I studied with my boyfriend for scripture study. We studied about how Jesus went to the garden to pray. He went and asked Heavenly Father three separate times “O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done”

What heavy words. At that point Jesus submitted like a child to our Heavenly Father. He said three times that if Heavenly Father wont take it away he will do what Heavenly Father wanted. He submitted to God. WOW… crazy huh?

It also makes me think about how we don’t always get an answer the first time we pray. I was talking with Sister Jeppson and Sister Grant the missionaries that have helped me, and we talked on the phone about this. About how Heavenly Father doesn’t always answer us the first time we pray. It was after I was fasting and praying for an answer to something that has been weighing on my heart. I have fasted 2x and kept praying. I did not get the answer I wanted but I did have talks at church that have given me more guidance. It has also showed me that I needed to submit like a child and then I will get my answers.

I had to get up about 20 times during writing this. So im sorry if it’s a bit all over. But it reminds me that I do need to to listen to Heavenly Father. I need to pray. I need to submit and be able to give my whole self to God. That’s a hard one for me as im a person who wants things to go on my plans, but I know that is something God is working on me.

I pray for each and everyone of you reading that you can come like a child before our heavenly father. That you can come to him with that child like love, that you will listen to him, and do what he asks of you. It’s a hard thing to do, But you can do it. I know I can. And if we fail, we can ask for forgiveness and do better. Remember the church is not for perfect people. Its for us, the imperfect.