Stained with coffe, picked up and never put down.

"Your going to be somebody's favourite story someday. And maybe it's not today or even tomorrow but one day every unturned page will be stained with coffee and refuse to lay flat the way they used to. Yeah, someday someone is going to pick you up and never put you down. "

This quote sums up how I feel. I have so much love in my heart for others. I have a personality where I want to make sure those I care for are ok. I want to be the strong one for my friends, family and those I care about.

But I give so much to others. Even when I don't receive any in return. I  want to be picked up and never put down. I want to be what my man wants and needs. I have given my heart to people and gotten stomped on. My ex husband was one of those people. I kept going back for more and more pain and verbal abuse. I wanted to make him happy even though he did not feel the same about me and sent me to bed crying most nights.

I have always given as much as I can. My grandmother and mom taught me from a young age that when someone comes over you pull out whatever you have and make sure they are happy and full. You give whatever you have even if you don't have enough for yourself.

I see myself doing this in my current relationship. I have fallen for this man so hard. I know he cares and loves me... But I don't know if it's a 50/50 relationship or if I'm putting in more then him.

I worry about being hurt. I have had my emotions and feelings stomped on way to many times. I'm going to try to back off and see how things go. But it's hard when all I want is for things to go forward. When I feel like this is the person I want for the rest of my life. That this is the person I want to co parent with me. The one that even though I had 2 rough rough pregnancies, this is the man I want a child with.

And so now I need to take a step away. And try to take inventory of my emotions. To see what I'm giving to others and what others are giving to me. I can't let the scale tip to far forward in either way.  Trying to find that balance of giving and receiving.