Anger, Hurt, and Death

Today was a day that tested me like no other. I have been having disciple issues with my kids. They are not listening and acting out.  There biological father, my ex husband has refused to see them for 3 weeks, its going on almost a month. Its hurting them slowly and they are acting out like crazy.

I have been doing a good job controlling my anger. Keeping things in check. My new boyfriend has helped me emotionally and I have been a better mother and been yelling less at them. But today way a bad day. It was hard. There was screaming back and forth, they were hurting each other, being disrespectful and and angry. Today I let my temper flair and it scared me.

I sent them to their rooms, I went to mine, and I cried. I cried as I did not know what to do. I wanted more then anything to ask my mom for help. To have a spouse to tag and let them know I needed time out. I just wanted a break. But I had no one.

I had no one to talk to. I had no one to take my kids. I had no one to give me a break. And so I sat in my bed and and I cried. I cried very very hard. Its only a few weeks away till the anniversary of my mom’s death. I have been trying to find someone to watch my kids so I can just go away. I don’t want to be home for it. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be around anyone. I just want to hide away and cry.

I’m starting to slip in to a dark place. I’m so angry and hurt still. I hurt about so much. I hurt about my marriage going to crap. I hate that the man that I loved with all my heart and promised I would take care of till death do us part decided to abuse me, and hurt my kids. I hate that I had to see my mom taken from slowly over the years and then be the one to hold her hand as she died, and as she took her last breaths. I hate that I had to choose between what parent to take care of. I hate that I feel so alone. I hate that I have been abused so much that I don’t feel worthy of love and affection and that when my boyfriend shows he cares about me I feel like I’m not worthy of it. I hate that I want to sabotage relationships as I have been hurt so much in the past.

I don’t know really how to end this post. Dealing with a death of a loved one is hard. There is loads of guilt, and anger, and hurt. I feel lost and abandoned. Its at this point I want to push everyone away. I want to hurt others. But I’m trying so hard to take it one day at a time.