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Saturday 27 February 2016

Discipline my children? Future husband?

Today I was out with my boyfriend and my three kids. We went down town to go watch the professional hockey team practice. I knew it was going to be stressful as its only been a few time the kids and my boyfriend have been together and I knew they would act up.

But the moment they acted up and I had to discipline and they were balking at it, and he stepped in and re affirmed everything I said to the kids. That was the minute I knew this is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

It was crazy to think that my boyfriend helping me discipline my kids would make me have a response to want to marry him. But oh boy did it. He acted in a smooth calm tone. He asserted that I was the one choosing the punishment. Told the kids that they were not listening and behaving and that was not ok. And then separated the children.  In the car on the way home from down town and they were acting up in the car, in a calm firm voice he spoke up. He was amazing. My son reacts well to when my boyfriend was helping with the discipline. It was crazy to see his tone change.

After we got back and the kids were all in their own rooms on time out we had a talk. We sat and talked and I thanked him for his help, and he said I would always be the one to choose the discipline. I would be the one dishing it out, and he would be there to help me go through with it, there to guide them when they are doing wrong and bring them to me.

This man is amazing. He is cool, he has such a calm personality. Even in the few little tiffs we have gotten in to, he still remains calm. He has this peace about him. My heart just falls for him a little bit more each and every day.

I was speaking with a few of my other LDS mom friends online as well as the sister missionaries. A few questions were brought up.

How does he treat you when he is stressed or having a bad day?
When he is having a bad day he becomes quiet. He turns in. I try to be there for him and yet give him the space he needs. He treats me with respect, he has never raised his voice to me, and he is the type of man that I believe with my whole heart would never raise his voice to me. I hope that I can do the same. I do know I have anger issues that I’m working on, but this man is helping me be a better person.

Does he constantly act like hew would do everything he can to make you happy to the best of his ability?
Constantly act? No this man does everything he can to make sure that I am happy. This man if he has any question that I may be upset, depressed, or angry he will do whatever he can to help me. Could be sending me a txt, a verse, or a funny meme. He is there to talk to me. To make sure that I’m doing ok physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Are there things that are similar between him and your ex?
The only thing that he is like my ex on is a bit of the nerdy type. He is shy like my ex wad in the beginning. But he is different. Every action from this man is done in love. Is done in a way to not hurt me, in a way to show compassion, caring, and Christ like love.

Does he agree with you on how to raise your children or respect your decisions to parent even if he does not agree?
He respects the way I parent my children. If he thinks I’m being pushed around by them he will say. He will suggest things if I’m having issues with them, but never force or say I need to.

Do you both put the gospel first in your daily activates to the same? Or will you need compromise?
I have to admit he puts the gospel first more then I do. But I’m still new in the church and learning. I am an imperfect Mormon. I am a flawed Mormon. But I’m working on it.

How much is going to be your way of his way or a compromise in the marriage with work, home and extended family?
Everything with this man is a compromise. I do think that if we did not agree on something we would both just talk about it, pray about it, and go from there.

Do the kids get along with him? Are there concerns that need to be addressed?
This man is amazing with my children. Firm but good. My kids really like him and today the went and got a hug from him before he left for home.

Am I willing to do anything for him? Is there a point where me and my child comes first?
This man is someone that I have never felt this way for in my life. I would do anything to help him. I would go to the ends of the earth for this man. Its crazy as I have never felt this way for another person. I never even felt this way for my ex husband when we were dating or when we got married. This man is different. Every morning I look at my phone and I have a good night txt as I usually fall asleep txting with him. I send him a good morning txt and I cant wait for his little scripture tid bits or little words of wisdom throughout the day.

This really gives me a lot to think of. I need to pray about this. Pray for wisdom. I need to pray as I know he is not ready for a family, I know he is not in the place where he wants to get married. I don’t even know if he would be willing to accept all the kids. Becoming an instant family is hard. I am also the first single parent he has dated. There has also been pressure from our YSA (Young Single Adults) ward about marriage. So its something that just needs to be taken slow for his sake. He also has some personal issues on his mind effecting his life so I need to take that in to account.


Once again all I can do is pray to Heavenly Father for my future husband. Pray that wherever he is, that heavenly father guide him, keep him safe, and bless him. And pray that my future husband is praying for me too.

Monday 22 February 2016

Putting up a front

This last Sunday I did a hard thing. I talked to the president of the YSA ward I go to and asked for counceling services.

I'm realizing that the abusive marriage I was in has caused me some not so great thinking and coping skills. I'm finding that they are hindering my relationships. My relationship with my kids, with my dating partner.

They cause me to have issues with communication and shut down as I don't want to hurt or be hurt by others. But it turns out that it is hurting the ones closest to me.

Right now I have a lot of strong emotions. I really care for the person I'm dating. My mind races when I'm with him. I'm always scared of saying the wrong thing so I like did previously I stay quiet. I try to keep the peace by not making waves.

I need to work on being able to open up to him and not worry about him thinking I'm stupid, or a ditz, or just crazy. I find it so much easier to talk to others because I don't have to see them again. I can just say what I need to say and I don't have to see them again.

I think that is the reason people peg me as a social butterfly. People look at me and think wow she has a lot of friends. When truthfully at this moment I have maybe one.

I can talk to many people. I can be friendly. But having a person I can truly bear my heart to. That's something hard. I have a hard time letting anyone truly get in to my life and knowing the real me. Because let's face it. I don't like me so why would they?

I think I hold those I love the most furthest away because I don't want to be hurt or hurt them.

Now this is something I need to pray about. I need to know that Heavenly Father loves me with all my faults. And those who truly love me, will love them too.

Wednesday 17 February 2016

Heavenly Father talking to me with the small wind on my cheek.

Today I needed to get out. I needed to get out of the house, I needed to get out of town, I needed to go anywhere but where I was at. I felt lost. I felt hurt, I felt so far away from our Heavenly Father. I was feeling horrible.  Last night I was so upset that I wanted to find someone to take my kids and book a flight to Salt Lake city and go to the temple grounds there and just cry and pray. I have no idea what that would do but I felt like I had to run away.

Yesterday I had a bad day. Super bad day. I cried my heart out to the sister missionaries. I bawled for almost 2 hours in the chapel. I cried till I felt like I could not cry. I felt like I was broken, like a clay plate that was broken so bad that there is no way it could be put back together. I felt like dust.

Then on my way home I got in to a fight with someone that I care about deeply. It hurt. I in many ways wanted to push him away. And yet I needed him then more then ever. I was hurt. My life I have learned to be hurt, and in some sort of sick and twisted way I wanted him to hurt me. Because then it would be like what I knew.

When someone spends so many years being abused, that is all they know. That hit, or word, or assault brings some sort of sick twisted comfort. Because even if they are hurting you, they are there. It made me realize I don't know how to have a normal relationship. I need to relearn like a child learning to walk. Im going to stumble and fall. And I have to hope that this man will still be there for me with his arms out stretched telling me that Im doing ok, and that this is NORMAL!!!!

So after the spat yesterday I knew I needed to go pray. I live very close to the Vancouver LDS temple. So today I went there. I invited him to go with me. I needed to go there. To be closer to our Heavenly father. To sit in HIS glory.

So I took a cab from the city bus loop to the temple. Had an interesting talk with the Cabby. He thought the man with the telescope looked funny. So I got a chance to talk about my faith.....

I then walked up to the temple grounds and found a bench. It had been raining all morning but it had stopped. The seat was dry. I sat there. I looked around. I poured my heart out to our Heavenly Father. I cried out. I cried. My heart was so broken.

All that was running through my head was about coming to our Heavenly Father with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. A willingness to change. SO I poured that out to him. I told him everything. I told him how much I hurt. How much I just long to be loved. How I want to have faith. How I hurt so much. How I feel like I'm dying in side so often. How I feel like I'm not a good parent. How I never asked to do this alone. How I never wanted to be single mom. How it hurt so much to watch my mother die. How I feel like my life is so out of control. How I'm barely holding together taking care of my kids and my dad. How I can barely find a job and keep it. How I need help. A lot of Help.

As I was pouring out my heart I looked up and I saw this tall tree. I saw the branches moving but I felt nothing. I felt so alone. Then I felt this tiny breeze upon my cheek. This tiny light wind. I felt so alone and cried out OH GOD WHERE ARE YOU!!!! and this big wind blew at me, swirled around me, and I felt his pressure on my shoulders. I felt like someone had there hands on my shoulders pressing down. I closed my eyes and raised my face up to the sky. The only thing I could think was thank you for being here. My Heavenly Father was there in that moment. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

I started to pray in thanks. Thanking Heavenly Father for everything. Then I felt someone sit beside me. I opened my eyes and the man I have been dating was there. He came. We sat side by side talking. He brought his scripture and shared them with me. It started to rain, I opened my umbrella and held it over us as we read, the wind blowing the pages of his scripture, but always landing on a good page.  After awhile I asked him to pray with me. I have a hard time asking things of people. To boot I'm not good at praying out loud. I stumble over all my words. They sound so lovely in my head but getting my mouth to say them is horrible.

So we sat there in prayer. The rain dropping around us. I felt so at peace. I put my head on his shoulder. I felt this warm calm feeling come over me. I knew at at moment our Heavenly father was with us. I know that this Man is a Man of God, and that the Lord uses this Man to tell me the things I need to hear at that moment. Even if I don't want to hear it. I have been so blessed to have this person in my life.

We got up and walked around the temple. Both of us taking a few pictures. I looked up. And all I could hear in my head is the spirit telling me to look up. When I'm sad and afraid look up.  When I'm angry and bitter, look up. When I'm happy and at peace, look up. Because heavenly father is there. He is there with me.

We then walked around and found the distribution centre. I went and bought myself a bible. A quad to have everything together. We then drove to chapters looking for bible highlighters, but they did not have anything, so we went to staples where they did not have anything either, but I got a red pen, and some cryola twisty crayons and I googled and heard they were good to use.

We then drove towards my house. I got him to stop for pizza where he shared more scripture and words with me. This man has done so much for me in the few short months I have known him then any other person in my life. I feel like he knows me inside and out.  Every day I thank our Heavenly Father for this man.

I just hope each of you that reads this can feel that love of our Heavenly Father. Feel it in the breeze . Feel it all around you. Feel it in the stillness. Faith is hard. You want something tangible. But you can't, you have to believe in something you can't see. Our Father dose not come to all of us like a burning bush. His words and his love is like the wind. You can't see it, but you know its there. I hope each one of you feels his love for you with breeze on your face, the raindrops that fall from the sky, and the freshness of the earth being renewed.

Look up, and feel the wind on your cheek.

Freshness after the rain, loving myself, clean like a baby

I'm going through a real struggle right now. After over 13 years married to a man who abused me physically, verbally, and sexually my ideas on relationship with men are skewed.

So skewed it's messing up my relationship with this amazing Godly man that was put in my life... He came in at a point where j was done dating and getting hurt and just before I deleted my dating app but hit the wrong button to delete my account.

This man shows me kindness. He has such a tender caring heart. He is a blessed man of God and listens to his words, sending me bits of kindness through the day. Heavenly Father has put him in my life. Without him I would have not come back to the church, never been baptized, and never know the love I have felt.

It doesn't make it any easier that I want to run. That I want to sabatoge things. That subconsciously I'm trying to get him to hurt me because that's the only way I have known men to love me.

I'm trying hard to learn what a real healthy relationship is like. I care about this man so much and he shows me so much love that even though I'm broken and hurt and don't deserve it. He still does.

He wrote me some words I'm going to share. These words touched me so much, the shook me to my inner core and made me lash out at him.

Each time you see the rain (which is a lot in BC lol) think of it as God cleaning the earth each day like a blank canvas for you to make amazing with your talents & love and a fresh page each day as a physical example of Gods forgiveness. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you are one of Gods most precious children and He loves you and each day says " you are as clean as a new born babe would be even if you don't think so and you need to love yourself and share that love just by going out because it radiates off you and I will strengthen you when you feel weak. My only begotten will be the other set of footprints in the sand beside yours and when you only see one set of prints He hasn't left you that's because he is carrying you because his burden is light so don't fear laying it at his feet"

I lashed out at this man. I can't ever take what I said back. I don't know if I can relate it. All I can do is pray.

Today I'm going to the temple to walk the grounds. To pray. To bear my soul to Heavenly Father. And maybe just for a min believe that he is listening to me.

Tuesday 16 February 2016

Sisters can you help me?

I'm making time to meet with the sisters this morning. I need to talk to someone about help finding resources To talk to people.

I'm beyond hurt. I'm just so sad. Constantly wondering if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm screwing my life up again. I have screwed up so many things in the path it's what I'm used to.

I know the sisters are young. That thru are not councler. That the don't have all the answers. I'm just going though this spiral and I don't know how to get out.

Last night my mind was running miles a min going over all the wrong things I have done. Going over all the crap. Going over all the reasons why my boyfriend should not be with me. Why I'm damaged goods and how our heavenly father can't even fix it.

I'm sitting here on the skytrain heading towards down town. I feel beyond broken. I don't think I can be fixed....

I don't think I'm ever going to get over this stuff. Or feel loved.,
As I sit here on the skytrain crying.

Monday 15 February 2016

Valentine's and being loved

Just struggling with a lot. I know it's due to my past marriage. But feeling so in loved and un worthy right now.. It's hard. I just hate being alone, and doing everything alone.

I never had kids thinking I would be doing it by myself. It's hard raising 3 kids.. It's even harder raising them by myself. Having to be both mom and dad.., and then taking care of my dad on top of it... I just feel like I can't keep on top of everything... I just want to be loved and wanted..,

Valentine's Day was a day of both happiness and sadness. It a slap in the face of what I did to screw up my marriage.. All the things that I should have done, or how I should have pleased him more. How if I just kept the house better. Or was thinner. Or if I gave him more oral... Or if I was more adventurous in the bedroom...  All these what ifs... Would I still be with him? The thinking about what I did to cause his anger to lash out at me.., and our kids..

Then I'm sitting here. I have this new amazing man in my life. He loves the Heavenly Father so much. He wants to see me love Heavenly Father too. And he does the most amazing things like drive an hour one way to see me, or to take me to church. He sends me bible and Book of Mormon verses to help me through my day. He is beyond amazing and best of all my kids like him and listen and respect him.

Yet for some reason all I can think about is how I can't please him. How I'm not good enough. How I need to do more. How if I don't please him in the bedroom he won't want me. (Yes I'm struggling with chastity) How I'm only good for one thing...

Then I look at myself. I'm broken. I'm beyond broken. I don't know if even the Heavenly Father can put this back together.

To top it off in my Valentine's card he put down a verse.
1 Corinthians 11:11-12
11 Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord.
12 For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman; but all things of God.

It gives me a lot to ponder over.

And yet I sit here. Broken. Hurt. Feeling unloved. And most of all unworthy of being loved... Scared that I may loose the only good man in my life.

Thursday 11 February 2016

Valentine's Day and chastity

Chastity is a very hard thing to do when you are in a dating relationship after divorce. It starts to get that blurred line. When does a kiss go too far? When does cuddling get to much? When are thoughts considered immoral?

Once you have been in a marriage relationship where you have children, and sex and physical intimacy is the norm. Then all of a sudden there is none? Then it becomes something you crave. I know why our Heavenly Father created Eve. Adam needed that help mate. That person to be his companion.

Over the last three years I have been lonely. This large bed with just myself and occasionally a sick kid. I was used to for 13 years having that partner beside me. When I was sad or hurt he would confirm me. He made me feel good physically.  But it's gone. Very gone. And it hurts it's a physical ach.

This Valentine's I have someone special in my life. I'm trying so hard to keep these vows of chastity. I'm not 100% perfect, no one is. I have days where I long to be touched romantically. Where I want to wake up next to this person. Where I just long to be wanted.

From leaving an abusive marriage my views on love and sex are screwed up. I don't know what a normal relationship is. I'm learning. And I have the most amazing man showing me what a true man is like and how he acts.

All I can do is pray for help with chastity, my relationship and try to bring our Heavenly Father in the relationship and have him be the corner stone.

Monday 8 February 2016

Holy Ghost and Funeral Potatoes.

Yesterday was amazing. I was scared when I was called up on stage but the moment he laid his hand on my head this warmth radiated down me. First filling up my head, then down my neck and shoulders then my chest all the way down to my belly. It was like that warm feeling when you drink too much hard liquor but with this strange strange peace attached to it.

The prayer was amazing. Touching on prayer, being a good mother, being a missionary to others. It was just this peace that over came me. What I felt could not be put in to words.

The love I felt from everyone after was amazing. After sacrament meeting we had a potluck. It was an amazing meal. My first one as a full member of the church and a Mormon. And it was topped off with funeral potatoes.

I know it's not going to be all flowers and sunshine. But I need to remember to look up. When things are stressful, look up. Pray. Remember that my Heavenly Father is there. Hold fast to the iron rod.

Saturday 6 February 2016

The Baptisim Part II

Today was a day I was scared of. I had so much anxiety. My mind was running through everything I had done wrong in my life. All this negativity in my life. I have gone through some really horrible things. The two worst were watching my mom die, and being kidnaped and raped.

This anxiety was so overwhelming as the sisters walked me to the door to go in to the baptismal font, we prayed and I almost started to cry I had so much anxiety.

I walked in and the water was so warm, I could feel the warm water seeping up the jumpsuit. (Not forgiving on a plus size woman, nor attractive) I walked in, I looked at my boyfriend who was baptizing me, and I looked up. I heard my name being said by him and plugged my nose. I had all this fear..

I came up out of the water. Pushed the hair and water off my face and walked out. The sisters were waiting there for me. This peace washed over me. Drying myself off I was shedding all these wet layers. Every layer I took off I felt lighter and lighter. My spirit feeling amazing!

When the president was doing his talk and looking at me, every word was from our Heavenly Father. I can't remember all the words but just this feeling that I am with my new family. All this love I felt the first time I walked in has only intensified.

All the hugs and shaking of hands was amazing after. All these people welcoming in. It was like a family reunion.

Getting in the truck to dive home this peace has washed over me. I feel so renewed. I can't wait to get out of the truck and hug my boyfriend. I can't wait to gather my children in my arms and love them. I can't wait for them to feel this peace.

This truly is a feeling that can't be described in words.  There are no words in the English language to express this feeling I have inside.

I hear a voice and he called me redeemed.
Greater is the one who is living inside of me then he who is living in the world.

Baptism day part I

It's almost 5 am on the day of my baptism into the LDS church... I never thought I would be here. I was against the church for so many reasons. But the Heavenly Father keeps pulling me back.

Lyrics of music keep going though my head:

Hello, my name is child of the one true King
I’ve been saved, I’ve been changed, I have been set free
"Amazing Grace" is the song I sing
Hello, my name is child of the one true King

What love the Father has lavished upon us that we should be called His children
I am a child of the one true King

It keeps going though my head that I AM a child of God. That the Heavenly Father is my daddy. That like my children I can crawl in to his lap and ask for forgiveness when I do wrong, because as my Heavenly Father he has unconditional love. That is truly amazing. God loves me no matter what. No matter how many times I turned away from him. No matter how many times I have been angry or hurt him he has still called me by name and opened his arms for me. His love for ME will never end... Never.

I'm sitting in bed with tears just dropping from my eyes. Thinking about everything I have done in life and how our Heavenly Father was still there.

I have not had that easy of a life. Done of it was my choice and things I chose to do and some of it was what life gave me. Our Heavenly Father has been there though each and every step. He was there crying with me when I was raped. He was crying with me when my husband hit me for the first time. Our Heavenly Father was also there that day I was so done and was going to kill myself. Heavenly Father put a peace in my heart and shook me out of it. He was also there with me the day I held my moms hand and watched her take her last breath.

Some days I feel so alone but He was always there. Heavenly Father has put the most amazing people in my life. Just when I was done and bitter he put someone in my life that brought me back. Who has helped me turn my eyes back to the Heavenly Father and feel the love he has for me even when I don't love myself.

These lyrics have touched my heart:
I'm forgiven cause You were forsaken
I'm accepted, You were condemned
I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me
'Cause You died and rose again
Amazing love, how can it be?
That You, my King would die for me?
Amazing love, I know its true
It's my joy to honor You
In all I do, I honour you.

Out Heavenly Father sent his son here. To die for ME. To take my blame, my sin, everything I have done wrong. He was nailed upon a cross, hurt beyond anything and still asked our Heavenly Father to forgive us all.

As I go through today and think about this all. I am stepping in to a moment in my life where I am asking for forgiveness and our Heavenly Father is looking at me and says YES I have never turned my back on you and have been hear waiting. You are forgiven.

Some days I think it would be better if Heavenly Father showed to us as a burning bush, or came to us in a vision. But he has come to me through many people.

He came to me as a young teen who shared to me a bit of his LDS faith. He cane to me as a tour through the Vancouver temple when it was first built. Then with putting missionary's in my life just before my mom died. Then as I was done and turning away he put a man in my life who shared with me. Who for some reason I asked to go to church with him and he took me. He has sent me texts with bible and Book of Mormon verses in it. They are exactly what I need at that moment. He has showed me Christ like love and introduced me to people in the ward and to the sister missionary's. These two sisters have shown me so much love. I know that they truly care for me. These two young woman have become a light in my life.

I'm scared about tonight. I'm not one to like being the centre of attention. But I know I'm there to show our Heavenly Father that I love him and I'm making that outward promise to follow him. To follow the commandments.

I know Heavenly Father is with me. That he will bless me with this amazing peace. I can't wait to get in there and spend time in prayer and reading the scripture before.

Tuesday 2 February 2016

Dear future husband.

Dear Future Husband,

I come to you broken and hurt. Every kind word you say to me, I wonder when put down or jab will come. Every sweet touch of your hand makes me wonder when the sting of being hit will happen.

It's not your fault. You walked in on me when I was broken, hurt, and a mess. I kept my mouth shut for years. Tried to be the good wife. I kept it all bottled inside.

Dear future husband, this will be a long road for us. I have to learn to trust you. To let you in. I have to learn that I don't have do sexual things to make you happy. I have to learn that it's not my fault all the time. I have to learn to love again. And most of all I have to learn to be loved, and know I'm worthy of love.

Dear future husband, I pray for you. I pray that our Heavenly Father will bless you. I pray that you will seek him first. I pray that your days are blessed. I pray that our Heavenly Father guides you, that you soak up his word in scripture study and raise your voice to him in praise. I long for the day we will be able to kneel in prayer together. Sharing scripture with my children. I pray that we go to our Heavenly Father together with our problems. That we work on things together, and try to not raise our voices to each other.

Dear future husband, I pray that you find peace, love, and hope. I pray that you are surrounded by friends and loved ones. I pray that our Heavenly Father guide you in all you do. And most of all I pray that you are praying for me too.

Love,
Your future wife.

Monday 1 February 2016

Tests come in all shapes and sizes.

I was wormed that with my baptism coming up things would get tough. That the devil would throw things in my path.

Yep! Issues at work. I thought I was getting fired today as I was blamed for someone else's mistake. Was 5 min late to the bank and locked out so no way to pull out my rent... Then it took 4 ATM till I found one I could deposit money in as a few branches had down ATM...

I was freaking out scared that my land lord would kick us out for being late. I have never been late on rent.

I also was supposed to sign papers for withdrawing some rrsp. I have to go to court and need to pay my lawyer.

Then to top it off I was late to get to my boyfriends place for FHE at the ward. I wanted to cook him a special meal as it's the 2 year anniversary of his baptism. But everything flew out the window...

Trafic was ok so we are sitting here in McDonald's and I are a cheeseburger and we are drinking pop..

Just trying to take a breath and breath.

Our Heavenly Father is bigger then anything. Now to close my eyes and pray for peace.

Imperfect Child of God

This blog comes from a start a long time ago. Many years ago I was planed the seed of the LDS church when I was 14. When I first met a friend of a boy I was dating. That same young man when he went on his missions trip sent the local missionaries over to talk to my husband and I. Then again I would run in to them while walking my kids to school.

But at that point I was angry. My young child came out as Gender Non Conforming. My kids and I were kicked out of our non denominational  church and my anger was strong. Then my husband and I started to have issues in our marriage. It was things that got stronger though our marriage. Our 13 years of marriage.

It got to a point where we had taken a trip to Mexico. It was an amazing trip. I was having trouble sleeping and was depressed and stressed. My doctor prescribed me antidepressants, and sleeping pills for the trip. My husband then was more verbal to me during the trip, the abuse that I had been suffering the last few years was more intense. It was so bad at one point in the trip he had me so beaten down that I locked myself in the bathrooms sobbing. I was done. I was so done. I just wanted this feeling to end. The pain that I was going through to end. I started to make a plan. That when he went to sleep I would go to the bar by the beach, I would go have a few drinks, and more drinks, and then I would take my sleeping pills. Not just one, but ALL the pills. I would then walk out in to the ocean, I would let the sleeping pills kick in, and let the ocean take me. I was sobbing, and then this little voice inside me told me to stop. It told me to leave him. It told me to make a plan and go.  And so I climbed in to bed. I am so happy I listened to that whisper. It was from the holy ghost.

Things were hard when we got back. I went to go see my doctor and told him what had happened. He worked out a plan with me. Gave me numbers of places to call, and suggestions. I then started to stash money aside. A few dollars here, a few dollars there.

We then went to Disney on Ice for my husbands birthday. He had this anger in him the whole time. He was mad getting there, He was mad during it, He was mad after. It got to the point that when our 4 year old was sick on the way back and at home she did not want to take her medication. It was hard, I was working with her. Lots of medication spat out and I was frustrated. He flew in to the room and swept her off her feet, ripping her pants and pull up off and threw her over his leg and started hitting her hard on her bum and legs. He then swept her off and shook her, and was screaming in her face. He did that and after a few seconds I clued in and grabbed her from him. And she looked up at me and then threw up. I grabbed her in my arms, took her to the only bathroom in the house and locked the door.  I cried non stop as I gave her a bath. I took pictures of the marks on her legs and then emailed them to my father and my good friend in another province. I wanted to make sure that if he saw them on my phone and deleted them, that they would still be out there.

The next day I walked my older two to school. I came home and I packed 2 suitcases. I pull out the money that I had saved. It was not more then $50. I called local transition houses. I could not find one that had room for me till we went an hour and a half away by bus. It was hard. I was scared. I had ripped the house apart looking for our ID and all our other information. I had called all my friends asking for help to get there, all the people who told me to leave him and that they would helpme but they could not. They all had things they had to do, or told me to stay and work it out. I talked to the kids principal at the school explaining what happened and I had no idea when I would be back. I then took the kids straight from school and we left. I had a hard time explaining to them what had happened.

We then got an apartment not too far from the kids school.  We got settled in the place. The kids got contact with there father on weekends with supervision through there grandparents. Things were going ok. But then I got a call. My dad was found collapsed at home by my sick moms home care worker. He was taken to the hospital. I called my ex husband. Our children went to his parents house, He went to go sit with my mom, and I went to the hospital.

When they brought me in and took me to room with chairs I knew something bad had happened and he was not ok. They brought me to look at him. The doctor had told me to say goodbye. He had massive bleeding and would die. They left me alone with him. I was scared. I was shocked.  The doctor came back, he said he would talk to a neurologist at a neighbouring hospital. He then came back and said they would take him and they were prepping an ambulance and asked the two nurses there who wanted to go on the trip. My father ended up coding on the trip to the hospital. I got in with my dad who was revived, and they talked to me, they got him ready for surgery. We got up to the waiting area, and he was bumped 4 times due to c-sections and only 1 OR room available.

My Aunt took me out, and home, I needed sleep. I was called after he made it out of surgery. I had to also make that hard choice and I had to put my mom in a nursing home. My mom had an illness called Progressive Supranuclar Palsy. Its like ALS and Parkonsons combined. It was hard and she was at the point where she could not talk, could not eat, and was bed bound.

It was the hardest choice of my life of what parent to take care of. I was told at the rehab that my dad was in to put him in a home too. But my Dad came out of the surgery very well. His mind was there, his memories there. I could not do that to him. My Dad and I never really got along. I had left home when I was 14 due to our issues. My Dad has told me in my life time that he loves me and I can count those times on one hand. It hurts. Even with everything I have done for my dad since the stroke he has not told me he loves me or even thank you. It hurts, it hurts a lot.

This last April I got a call from my Uncle. My mom had pulled out her feeding tube again. More then once. And they had decided that she was done. They were leaving it out and giving hospice care. I  was not contacted by the nursing home. I was left out. I found out days after it was pulled out. I then had to get ahold  of my ex husband who then refused to watch our kids. I had to get my lawyer involved. It got to the point where we almost had to go get an emergency hearing infant of a Judge. But he took the kids. I rushed to my Mom and I did not leave her. I stayed by her side. I played christian music my mom loved. I grew up in the pentecostal church with my parents, going to a christian private school. I know my Mom loved our heavenly father.

I had just started a few weeks before talking with some LDS missionaries and was texting with them. They continued to txt to me while my mom was dying. Sending me txts back and forth. The funny thing was as I was walking around the nursing home there was a book of mormon in the shelf. I took it and was reading it as I was resting in the hard chair beside my moms bed. It was hard feeling her get cold. Her eyes glazing over, and the rattle as she was taking slow breaths. I knew it was close and I was counting the seconds between her breaths. I had already told her it was Ok, that I would be ok (even though I did not believe that) and that my dad would be Ok.

She took her last breath. I cried. I walked to the nursing desk and there was no one there. I waited softly crying. Finally a nurse came up and I told her she was gone. She then walked to the room with me, and checked for a heart beat. It was just moments before midnight on April 12. My mom knew the number 13 is special to me. It was the day I was born. I know she did not want it to mean anything bad for me. I went home. I slept. I was exhausted. The next day someone took me to the funeral home to plan things. I was in shock, I was 32. I should not be having to take care of my disabled father, watch my mother die, and go through a nasty divorce. It was not fair. I was angry. I was very very angry.

I took half my moms ashes to mexico and left them there. I have wonderful pictures. My mom loved to travel and wanted to travel with me, but she got sick before we both could afford it. I had a hard time with christmas coming up so soon so I talked with my kids who were 6, 7, 7 at the time, and we had agreed to go on vacation at the end of November instead of doing christmas.

As we lead up to that I started dating. Had a lot of single dates, The men were not great. Either we didn't click, or the men just wanted sex. It was one man I had talked to for 3 weeks, and we went to meet up for coffee and after 4 hours talking at the coffee shop and it closed he asked if I wanted to go for a drive with him. I did. And that was a bad mistake. He tried to rape me in the car. Thankfully I had my cell phone in my hand an threatened to call 911 and told him to drop me off at a fast food place. I then called a cab and left from there. It was scary. I stopped dating after that and only talked to people online. I had this big hole in my heart. I was lonely.

When I went to mexico with my kids I would talk to people by the pool while my kids were playing. It was great. My divorce was final. It went thought the day before I buried my moms ashes in mexico.  While in Mexico I was playing on a dating app, and found a guy who was in mexico but he lived only a 10 min drive from my home. We met up a few time and connected. We exchanged numbers so when he got back home from his vacation (he was to be there for a month) that we would get together. Things clicked and I thought maybe this was a change I needed.

I got home. I was lonely. I cried a lot. Christmas was very hard. My ex husband had changed so many things and it was to the point where he stopped seeing the kids. He then picked up and saw them but  for less then 12 hours on Sunday. It was hard, my kids were hurting.

One night I was lonely. I turned  to a dating app. Clicking yes, No, Yes, Yes.... I got a message from a guy on November 27. The same day I had hurt my hand and was in the ER late at night getting it checked out as I thought I may have broken something. We ended up talking the next few days. Then we were txting and I found out he was texting in church. We met up. Went to see a few movies, went out to eat. Then he told me he has church on sunday and so he would not be able to date that day. I was really liking he time I was spending with this guy. Sundays were the day I did not have my kids and only real day to go out and do things. SO I asked if I could go to church with him. He said sure and invited me to come. He took me to his YSA ward. It was a bit awkward at first as it was young women alone learning first, then sunday school, then another service where they did communion.

I went, and I felt the heavenly Father speak to me. I felt like my questions I was being asked were being answered. I wanted more. I asked if I could come back next week. And then I went the week after. Every time I had a struggle I got answers from the speakers at the service. I knew I wanted more. I started talking to him about baptism, and asking questions. I knew I wanted more, I wanted to be back with our heavenly Father. I wanted to have this amazing relationship with him again. I needed it.

I then took the steps to read all the information that the missionaries give out. I then decided to talk to the Sister Missionaries at the church. I gave them my number. I started to talk and they shared, I shared, and I felt this amazing peace in me. I never knew I would have this peace. I still am scared at time, but I can pray to our heavenly Father. I can ask him for help. Because it was hard. It was hard to obey the laws. To no drink coffee. I was a big coffee drinker. I was drinking 2-5 cups at work. Alchoal was a big one. My mom had a problem with drinking, and I was starting to head that way too. I was drinking when I was sad, or upset, or when I needed a deep sleep. I stopped. Cold turkey.

There was one night that was hard. Very hard. I don't even remember what I was going though, but my boyfriend would send me txt messages with bible verses. Little tid bits to help me through my day. And I let him know how I was feeling. How I was stressed, And he listened, He gave me advice, and It was good. I told him I was struggling and how I wanted a drink. I really wanted a  drink. He advised me to pray. And he told me if I truly need it to get through this, then do what you need to do. I prayed, I cried, and I fell asleep.

Every night this man leaves me a good night txt. He txts me in the morning and sends me verses through the day. After my divorce I had started praying for my future husband. I prayed that the Heavenly Father would bless him, help him, guide him. This man I know pray for along side praying for my future husband.

I had been meeting with the Sister missionaries and my baptism is planned for February 6th 2016. Im excited. I am an Imperfect Child of  God. I will always be imperfect. But our Heavenly Father loves me. He wants me, and he welcomes me. He also gives me a chance every week to renew my vow to him that I will do better, That I will strive to be Christ Like.

So this is the start of my imperfect life with our Heavenly Father. I will stumble, I will fall, But our heavenly Father is there to pick me up, dust me off, and love me.

Thank you for following me on this journey.