Today I needed to get out. I needed to get out of the house, I needed to get out of town, I needed to go anywhere but where I was at. I felt lost. I felt hurt, I felt so far away from our Heavenly Father. I was feeling horrible. Last night I was so upset that I wanted to find someone to take my kids and book a flight to Salt Lake city and go to the temple grounds there and just cry and pray. I have no idea what that would do but I felt like I had to run away.
Yesterday I had a bad day. Super bad day. I cried my heart out to the sister missionaries. I bawled for almost 2 hours in the chapel. I cried till I felt like I could not cry. I felt like I was broken, like a clay plate that was broken so bad that there is no way it could be put back together. I felt like dust.
Then on my way home I got in to a fight with someone that I care about deeply. It hurt. I in many ways wanted to push him away. And yet I needed him then more then ever. I was hurt. My life I have learned to be hurt, and in some sort of sick and twisted way I wanted him to hurt me. Because then it would be like what I knew.
When someone spends so many years being abused, that is all they know. That hit, or word, or assault brings some sort of sick twisted comfort. Because even if they are hurting you, they are there. It made me realize I don't know how to have a normal relationship. I need to relearn like a child learning to walk. Im going to stumble and fall. And I have to hope that this man will still be there for me with his arms out stretched telling me that Im doing ok, and that this is NORMAL!!!!
So after the spat yesterday I knew I needed to go pray. I live very close to the Vancouver LDS temple. So today I went there. I invited him to go with me. I needed to go there. To be closer to our Heavenly father. To sit in HIS glory.
So I took a cab from the city bus loop to the temple. Had an interesting talk with the Cabby. He thought the man with the telescope looked funny. So I got a chance to talk about my faith.....
I then walked up to the temple grounds and found a bench. It had been raining all morning but it had stopped. The seat was dry. I sat there. I looked around. I poured my heart out to our Heavenly Father. I cried out. I cried. My heart was so broken.
All that was running through my head was about coming to our Heavenly Father with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. A willingness to change. SO I poured that out to him. I told him everything. I told him how much I hurt. How much I just long to be loved. How I want to have faith. How I hurt so much. How I feel like I'm dying in side so often. How I feel like I'm not a good parent. How I never asked to do this alone. How I never wanted to be single mom. How it hurt so much to watch my mother die. How I feel like my life is so out of control. How I'm barely holding together taking care of my kids and my dad. How I can barely find a job and keep it. How I need help. A lot of Help.
As I was pouring out my heart I looked up and I saw this tall tree. I saw the branches moving but I felt nothing. I felt so alone. Then I felt this tiny breeze upon my cheek. This tiny light wind. I felt so alone and cried out OH GOD WHERE ARE YOU!!!! and this big wind blew at me, swirled around me, and I felt his pressure on my shoulders. I felt like someone had there hands on my shoulders pressing down. I closed my eyes and raised my face up to the sky. The only thing I could think was thank you for being here. My Heavenly Father was there in that moment. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
I started to pray in thanks. Thanking Heavenly Father for everything. Then I felt someone sit beside me. I opened my eyes and the man I have been dating was there. He came. We sat side by side talking. He brought his scripture and shared them with me. It started to rain, I opened my umbrella and held it over us as we read, the wind blowing the pages of his scripture, but always landing on a good page. After awhile I asked him to pray with me. I have a hard time asking things of people. To boot I'm not good at praying out loud. I stumble over all my words. They sound so lovely in my head but getting my mouth to say them is horrible.
So we sat there in prayer. The rain dropping around us. I felt so at peace. I put my head on his shoulder. I felt this warm calm feeling come over me. I knew at at moment our Heavenly father was with us. I know that this Man is a Man of God, and that the Lord uses this Man to tell me the things I need to hear at that moment. Even if I don't want to hear it. I have been so blessed to have this person in my life.
We got up and walked around the temple. Both of us taking a few pictures. I looked up. And all I could hear in my head is the spirit telling me to look up. When I'm sad and afraid look up. When I'm angry and bitter, look up. When I'm happy and at peace, look up. Because heavenly father is there. He is there with me.
We then walked around and found the distribution centre. I went and bought myself a bible. A quad to have everything together. We then drove to chapters looking for bible highlighters, but they did not have anything, so we went to staples where they did not have anything either, but I got a red pen, and some cryola twisty crayons and I googled and heard they were good to use.
We then drove towards my house. I got him to stop for pizza where he shared more scripture and words with me. This man has done so much for me in the few short months I have known him then any other person in my life. I feel like he knows me inside and out. Every day I thank our Heavenly Father for this man.
I just hope each of you that reads this can feel that love of our Heavenly Father. Feel it in the breeze . Feel it all around you. Feel it in the stillness. Faith is hard. You want something tangible. But you can't, you have to believe in something you can't see. Our Father dose not come to all of us like a burning bush. His words and his love is like the wind. You can't see it, but you know its there. I hope each one of you feels his love for you with breeze on your face, the raindrops that fall from the sky, and the freshness of the earth being renewed.
Look up, and feel the wind on your cheek.
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