Putting up a front

This last Sunday I did a hard thing. I talked to the president of the YSA ward I go to and asked for counceling services.

I'm realizing that the abusive marriage I was in has caused me some not so great thinking and coping skills. I'm finding that they are hindering my relationships. My relationship with my kids, with my dating partner.

They cause me to have issues with communication and shut down as I don't want to hurt or be hurt by others. But it turns out that it is hurting the ones closest to me.

Right now I have a lot of strong emotions. I really care for the person I'm dating. My mind races when I'm with him. I'm always scared of saying the wrong thing so I like did previously I stay quiet. I try to keep the peace by not making waves.

I need to work on being able to open up to him and not worry about him thinking I'm stupid, or a ditz, or just crazy. I find it so much easier to talk to others because I don't have to see them again. I can just say what I need to say and I don't have to see them again.

I think that is the reason people peg me as a social butterfly. People look at me and think wow she has a lot of friends. When truthfully at this moment I have maybe one.

I can talk to many people. I can be friendly. But having a person I can truly bear my heart to. That's something hard. I have a hard time letting anyone truly get in to my life and knowing the real me. Because let's face it. I don't like me so why would they?

I think I hold those I love the most furthest away because I don't want to be hurt or hurt them.

Now this is something I need to pray about. I need to know that Heavenly Father loves me with all my faults. And those who truly love me, will love them too.