google info

Friday 28 October 2016

Feeling dead inside.... and the flu

I have been struggling with getting over two guys, and I just hurt inside. I have also this great guy who is local who would love to marry me but he is just not the type of person I see myself with.

To top it off I got the flu about 5 days after I got my flu shot. This is the sickest that I have been. Im just exhausted and done.

Just before I came down with he flu I got my Patriarchal blessing. It was the most amazing thing I had ever had done in my life. It was my personal message from Heavenly Father on what I can receive if I follow the commandments and do what Im told.

Im also struggling with income, Im trying to raise money to cover my lawyers fees. I need $1000 by December first.

Well this is a short one. Im still resting and trying to get over this darn flu. I have spend the last 3 days sleeping. Thankfully my kids have been really well behaved, frozen dinners have kept them full for dinner. Hopefully Im feeling better tomorrow and can take my kids to a trunk or treat.

Friday 14 October 2016

Life gets crazy. Hold on to the iron rod.

Life gets crazy.
I had to block my ex boyfriend from Facebook, Instagram and snapchat. It was the day after my friend D's baptism and he came to the baptism and I told him that I needed to stop contact or I would never get over him. Well he ended up liking a bunch of posts on my Instagram account. Hurt like anything.

I miss him. I love him. I feel rejected for bettering myself by going back to school. I feel like I was not good enough for him. Like I did not make him happy. It hurt.


I have been having feelings for a guy from Utah named D.  We went to 2 sessions of conference together, went to a return missionaries party. It was great. I wanted to kiss him so bad when I was down there. But I just could not do it.

We had been talking for a few months and I have opened up to him about everything. Everything. The good, the bad, the ugly.

Well, after I got back I laid out all my feelings for him. He didn't say anything. We talked. And then he called and we talked about other things, but not that and then ended the conversation. He has not read any of my recent Facebook messages I sent him. He is usually good at that.
It just hurts. I put myself out there. This guy is amazing. Just super amazing Godly man who would be an awesome addition to my life. But no response. Makes me feel like no one is going to want me as damaged as I am.

And then D my friend who was baptized. We went out on a few days. We actually were engaged 2 years ago but I broke it off. Well he has been distant since his conformation.

Things have been really stressful. Thanksgiving weekend we had a leak in our roof. My landlord is out of country to boot. Had water pouring out my light fixture. I got home from my pathways class to water leaking in one of my front windows. Thank goodness it was where the kitty litter was! Then this morning the light fixture again.


I'm just exhausted. I'm done. I'm the only adult in the house doing everything. My two oldest are special needs and my house is a trashed mess. I'm just done.
I do all the cooking, cleaning, bill paying, repairs, getting people to appointments, taking care of everything. I'm just exhausted and done. I'm so tired of it all.  I have to take care of everyone but I have no one to take care of me. It really bites being a single parent. I would have never chosen this life. It's crazy how things change from expected.

Saturday 8 October 2016

Be Specific in your prayers.

Went to instatue and ha d a good think about the lesson. They were talking about faith and having faith like a child. How little kids and just go and ask for what they want. What is there need. It made me realize that I need to have faith like a child. That I need to be specific in my prayers.

I have listend to my kids prayers and what they pray for. That there sibling will be nice. That the bully will be loved. That they will get to play on the swings at lunch. That they can play dogeball in gym. That they can have candy after school. That there friends will be happy.....

The prayers they pray are so simple. So quick. So to the point. Makes me think of my prayers. That I need to be simple. That I need to just ask for small simple things.


So starting today. Dear Heavenly Father please send me a spouse. A Godly Spouse. A preisthood holder. In Jesus name we pray. Amen.

Thursday 6 October 2016

I can't stop loving you....

Things got to a big head over the weekend. After texting with my ex via text over the weekend during conference my heart was just yearning for him. I really truly have fallen for him. My heart is his. Im still in love with him.

I miss the good morning and good night texts. I miss the way he holds me. I miss the way he tells me he cares about me. I miss the way he txts to make sure I have eaten lunch. I miss the way he is so good with my kids and how they look up to him. I miss the way he acts around my son and how my son felt like he had a father figure in his life.

What hurts the most is all the ideas I had about this relationship. That I felt close enough to tell him every little thing and all the bad and he still loved me in return. That this man I saw myself going to the temple with. That this man I had been close to asking him to marry me. That I would wait for this man till he was ready.

But he crushed my heart. He told me he could not be the man he thought I needed. He could not be my eternal companion. He told me that he prays for me, and wishes me all the best. That he dosent want to hold me back from my eternal companion.

BUT I WANT HIM. I want him to hold me close. I want him to love me. I want him, and only him.


So this monday I called him and told him I had to break off all contact. I had to stop talking to him. That I could not be his friend. I could not handle the friendly txts. It just hurt too much. Because all I want is for him to hold me and tell me he loves me.

And the hard thing is my friend D just got baptised. We had dated before. And we started casually dating. He told me when he droped me off that dating wont work. That he sees this all and understands. The sad part is that he said he would marry me if I wanted to. But I just love A so much. I cant even think about D in that way.

My heart is broken and I have spent the last long while crying so many tears over A. My heart aches for him. Im not sure how I can get over him. Many nights I cry myself to sleep wishing he would just love me. That he would let me be his wife and take care of him. That he would let me love him.