Freshness after the rain, loving myself, clean like a baby

I'm going through a real struggle right now. After over 13 years married to a man who abused me physically, verbally, and sexually my ideas on relationship with men are skewed.

So skewed it's messing up my relationship with this amazing Godly man that was put in my life... He came in at a point where j was done dating and getting hurt and just before I deleted my dating app but hit the wrong button to delete my account.

This man shows me kindness. He has such a tender caring heart. He is a blessed man of God and listens to his words, sending me bits of kindness through the day. Heavenly Father has put him in my life. Without him I would have not come back to the church, never been baptized, and never know the love I have felt.

It doesn't make it any easier that I want to run. That I want to sabatoge things. That subconsciously I'm trying to get him to hurt me because that's the only way I have known men to love me.

I'm trying hard to learn what a real healthy relationship is like. I care about this man so much and he shows me so much love that even though I'm broken and hurt and don't deserve it. He still does.

He wrote me some words I'm going to share. These words touched me so much, the shook me to my inner core and made me lash out at him.

Each time you see the rain (which is a lot in BC lol) think of it as God cleaning the earth each day like a blank canvas for you to make amazing with your talents & love and a fresh page each day as a physical example of Gods forgiveness. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you are one of Gods most precious children and He loves you and each day says " you are as clean as a new born babe would be even if you don't think so and you need to love yourself and share that love just by going out because it radiates off you and I will strengthen you when you feel weak. My only begotten will be the other set of footprints in the sand beside yours and when you only see one set of prints He hasn't left you that's because he is carrying you because his burden is light so don't fear laying it at his feet"

I lashed out at this man. I can't ever take what I said back. I don't know if I can relate it. All I can do is pray.

Today I'm going to the temple to walk the grounds. To pray. To bear my soul to Heavenly Father. And maybe just for a min believe that he is listening to me.