You may Leave but you NEVER get out...

Having a hard time today. I left my ex husband due to abuse. But I'm only starting to understand that you may leave but you never get out.

Its been 3 years and I still have his words in my head. I still hear his words when things ended in my last relationship (where I fell in love hard and still care about the guy) that I will never be good enough. That the relationship ended because I could not please him right. That because of my choice of religion and following the laws of chastity that he would not want me, he would not want me unless I could please him. That I was a piece of garbage and why would he want me. What man would want to be with something that was so used and abused and garbage like I am.  That I'm worthless. That I'm stupid. That I will never amount up to anything good. That no matter how much I love him him, he could never love me because I'm not worth it.

My mind still thinks those things daily. Like that I'm a screw up as a mom. That I'm and ass hole. That I will never amount to anything. That I cant handle being alone. That I cant handle being a single mom. That I wont be able to do anything unless I give my body to another man. That I wont be able to survive without him or another man.

Its hard.

Its so hard leaving an abusive man. An abusive relationship.

These voices run through my head on a daily basis.

I know that I am my own worst enemy. I just hear these words in my head daily. I cry tears because I hurt so much.

Im sitting here in bed right now crying because I just want to be held. Because I'm scared more then anything I will never find anyone that wants to love this broken mind and body.

Im sitting here, looking at my temple recommend to go do baptisms and all that runs through my head is thoughts that I'm not worthy enough. That I never will be.

I have a hard time praying latley. I have hard time doing anything lately. Im struggling with really bad depression. Im dealing with financial issues and I really need help. Im over my head and being a single parent I'm struggling. But more so I'm struggling with these words and feelings in my head.

And all I can do is cry out to Heavenly Father to send me my companion and hope that he has enough band aids to put me back together. And to pray that he comes fast.