Therapy and Sexual Assault.

Yesterday I went to talk to someone about all the things going on in my life. It has been hard and I admit I have not had an easy life and I have been holding a lot in, its been hard to forgive and move on. The person I’m talking with suggested that I write things down. I laughed as well I have started this blog. I’m still quite anonymous on here…. So it gives me a bit of ability to share about my life as only a few people I know in real life know about this blog.

When I was younger I was sexually assaulted. It has been something that I have kept with me for quite some time. She suggested I write about it, and get it out there. I think it may be good because I have kept it bottled up for over 10 years now.

Before I was 13 I was sexually assaulted by an adult. By a man who I looked up up to and who I thought of as a friend, as someone that I could come to with my problems. I had been having issues with my parents and my parents were split at the time dealing with there own marriage issues and I needed someone to talk to. So I talked to this man, he was there for me, or so I thought. Things were going really bad and I needed to have some space away from my parents and he said I could go to his place and have a place to relax and get some time away.

Well I met him and he took me back to his house. He had some cake that he had in the fridge and pulled it out and cut us each a piece as we talked. He was very showy with the knife. Playing around with it it and it made me uncomfortable, but we were talking and he was so sympathetic that I pushed the feelings out of my mind.

I ended up tied up for a few days, I was sexually assaulted, I was forced to do things against my will, I was hurt, I was degraded, I was cut with a knife. But with all those things the worst happened after he let me go. After he he had hurt me and let me leave, I went to the hospital and they did a rape kit. That was scary and degrading. But the worst part came after. They sent two male police officers to talk to me, to get my story on what happened. After I had given my story they went and told me that I lied. They told me I was not torn up enough on the inside so I wanted it. That I was a slut, and whore. Then I had one police officer tell me that it was my fault. That I asked for it it. That if I was his daughter he would have shot me by now. And then he walked out of the room. The other officer who was not looking at me or saying anything got up and they left. They left me sobbing in the room.

This was the start of my feelings of worthless ness. The feelings that I’m worthless and not able to have anything happy or good in my life. The start of the feeling that Heavenly Father abandoned me. That I was always going to be alone. That I had asked for it, and that many subconsciously I wanted it, and it was hard.

I started acting out after that. I started having casual sex with boyfriends as after all I was told by a police officer that I asked for it, that I was a whore. If all those things were being told to me by someone that I’m told to respect and look up to then it must be true so why not do them. Why not become a whore and slut and do what men wanted from me?

I’m not sure where to end this blog post. Its just going to be a continuation going on and on….