My testimony

I have heard about the church off an on since I was younger. I found out that they were doing tours of the Vancouver temple and got a friend to come with me to view it. I had just had twins and they were babies. So I was touring the temple with two little babies who were under 6 months old, It was this amazing peace that came over me as I was walking through and looking at the amazing work, the sun shining through the windows, the peace that was felt. At one point in the tour we were in the room where they seal the marriages. They talked about looking in the mirrors and seeing yourself for eternity. They talked a bit about how they believe that marriage is for time and all eternity, not just in this life but in the next. I remember walking up to the mirror and looking at myself, my reflection going on and on and on and thinking that some day my husband and I may be there. How amazing would it be to be with him forever and ever.  Unfortunaly life does not always go that way. I had another child, 3 in total. Things got stressful. There was a lot of anger in the home. It ended up that due to anger issues I left for the safety of my children.

In the year before I left I saw the missionaries walking around in the park by my kid’s school, I would either ignore them, or be abrupt and rude. I was angry with a lot of things going on in my life at that point, my mom was given a diagnosis of an illness that was like ALS and parkonsons mixed and was loosing her slowly, even though I grew up in a home where we talked about God and Jesus Christ I was angry. I was not ready to hear.

After I had left and started over on my own with 3 little kids I got a call that no one wants to get. I found out that my father was found unconscious at home. I scrambled to get care for the kids and get to the hospital. When I went in I was led in to a room. A quiet room. That room was so very blue, the chairs were the padded plastic. The table was flimsy and there was a black phone on the table along with a few handouts about the hospital and hospice and counselling servicers offered. I had no one with me. I was in this blue blue room alone. I didn’t want to sit down. I knew what that room was. It was the room where they tell you bad news. I was pacing back and forth, my cell phone was almost dead. I logged on to facebook and was just looking at what everyone else in my life was going through as I just did not want to deal with it.

I was brought in and told my dad had a stroke, a bad one, and they were not sure if he was going to make it. I was brought in to talk to the doctor and to see my dad. I was told that he would not look like himself and to prepare myself.

The doctor came over and told me that it was bad. That they did not expect him to live past the night. I burst out in tears. And in that point I cried out Oh my God. In my head I was screaming at God. I was angry. I mad. How could this happen. I was standing there crying and holding his hand. The nurse was talking to me. Telling me to talk to my dad. That he could hear me. Even though I did not know it, God heard me, He was listening.

My dad had his surgery and came out ok with only some slight issues. But my mother who was at the time so progressed in her illness she was on a feeding tube and bed bound I had to choose. I had 3 children and had to choose what parent to take care off. I had to place my mother in a nursing home. I could not care for everyone on my own.

I had to move my children and my dad to a larger house. It was a struggle moving back with my father whom I had not lived with since I was 13. But we were making it work. I was struggling emotionally. There was an outdoor mall that I liked to go to with my kids, I would go there once a week as they have an amazing pizza place and out door playground for the kids.

I would see the missionaries walking around the outdoor mall. Talking to people every so often. I would just ignore them or just be in to my phone. One Saturday when the kids were at there fathers house I was there by myself, I don’t remember why I was there, But I remember these two young men in their suits, the smile on there face. They just smiled and had this peace and friendly feeling about them. For the first time I smiled back.

So I started talking to them. They were sweet and Kind. This one guy had this smile on his face and a sincere look in his eyes. So we talked. They invited me to come to church. They wrote it on the back of a card along with the address and I gave them my cell number but told them to txt only. I didn’t like talking on the phone any more, and a text is always easier to ignore then someone calling on the phone.

So on Sunday I went. I was nervous but the missionaries were there, and it turned out that it was General Conference. I watched it and It was good. I liked how it talked about families. We set up a time to talk and I met them at starbucks later on during the week. Was able to see them while the kids were in school and it made me thing a little easier. They gave me a book of Mormon. I don’t even remember much about what we talked about. I just remember this feeling. This peaceful happy feeling. This feeling that I had not had in my life in quite some time. I wanted to feel it more.

They invited me back again next Sunday. So I went back. It was different hearing the people talk, and then going in to this class and learning more, and then a group for just the women! I wasn’t used to that. Growing up in a Pentecostal house and going to a Christian school, things were done a bit different. It pushed me out of my comfort zone. But I felt happy, I felt this peace, it was like I almost didn’t want to leave. I had made a commitment to read the BOM, I had found a 30 day tracker to read it. I started it and it was great. I knew that heavenly father was talking to me and that this was right. I was asked by the missionaries to set a date to be baptized. I wasn’t to sure and was not ready to set a date yet.

I got a call one Sunday after I had gone to church. I found out my mom had pulled her feeding tube. She pulled it so many times that week they took it as her saying she was ready to die. My heart sank. I was in shock, I was angry. I received a text a few days later from the missionaries and I told them what was happening. I had at that point been texting with the missionaries. I was in the nursing home and I told them what had happened. I was the person that could not accept help. I have always struggled with that, Even today I struggle with accepting help. But I asked them to keep txting me. And they did.

As things got more and more grim with my mother they would text me more often. They prayed for me, and they prayed with me. My moms nursing home was out of the area they were in so they were not allowed to come see me. But they were there. I had no friends who stepped up and were able to be with me. I am an only child so I had no siblings to help. I had no support from anyone except these two missionaries. They were there for me. They were the ones I turned to.

A few days In to sleeping on a hard chair, I went to the rec room of the nursing home and there was a book of Mormon on the shelf. I pulled it off and I started reading it. I just would flip through and read. It brought me comfort. Then the worst happened. My mother died. I was there holding her hand as he last breath was taken, I was there for hours before praying to God and asking him why. Why had he given me so much in my life. Why was he taking her. Why was my mother dying. With everything else I have had to deal with, divorce, abusive spouse, my father having a stroke, dealing with 3 young kids alone. Why? Where was he. Why did he leave me when I needed him the most? When she passed I had this feeling of emptiness in me. I was alone. It was the first time in my life I had ever felt so alone. I had NO ONE. I just lost my mother, my best friend, the only person at that time that i could talk to about everything and not be judged. Where did I turn to? I sent the missionaries a text. It was just before midnight and I text them that my mom had died.

I had a few txts back and forth with them after, they came to my house and I would ignore the bell, or tell them I was busy. I was angry. I was very angry at everyone. I was done. I was alone. I was hurt.

I felt this way for a long long time. I started dating, and was drinking. It was to the point where I was drinking to forget, and dating guys to feel that someone cared about me. I was lost and hurt and I had no one to turn to, so I turned to things, Things that I did not need to turn to. I had Christmas coming up and it was the first one without my mother. I decided to pack up my children and go to mexico. I wanted to go away and forget. I always felt at peace near the water. I would walk with my feet in the warm water and just feel the sun. While down there I Partied hard when the kids were in bed, and I just wanted to forget. And forget was what I did for a little bit.

When I got back I had this empty feeling that was still there. I couldn’t fill it. I was done with dating and went to deleted all my dating sites. I ended up with this message from a guy. I felt bad and responded and was going to tell him I was not interested but something happen and I kept talking to him. We were texting and decided to go out to a movie. He was not my usual type that I went out with, but I felt this peace about him and it was easy to talk to him. So we went out a few time, I told him Sundays were the best time for me to go out as my ex has the kids on Sunday, he explained to me that he goes to church on Sunday and with his belief they don’t do things that cause others to work on Sunday and keep the Sabbath holy. I was a bit shocked, but then out of my mouth came the words “can I go to church with you?”

I was more shocked that I said it. But later that week my best friend went dress shopping with me since I’m a jeans and tshirt or yoga pants girl and I have not worn a dress in a long time. SO I went to church with him. And then the following week. Then I wanted to know more. Every Sunday I had answers to things that were going on in my life. I had answers to things that were going on in my life and I was stressed out with. I wanted to keep going as I needed these answers. I wanted to know more. I was striving to learn more.  He got me set up with the scriptures on my phone, along with making sure I downloaded the other parts to learn about the restoration, the plan of salvation, the gospel of Jesus Christ, chastity, the word of wisdom, tithing and fast offering, and more. He answered as many of the questions as he could. And suggested I talk to the missionaries. So I ended up speaking to some amazing young women at the ward.

Things just started to feel right, I started to feel happy in my life. I felt this peace that I had not been feeling for a long time. I wanted to get baptized. I wanted to make this commitment to heavenly father. It was a hard thing as It was something I truly wanted but was scared. It is such a big commitment. A big promise. As things were getting close to getting baptized I wanted it small and quite. Im at a point in my life that I don’t like attention, I would love to slip by unnoticed if I could. But on that day when I got baptized I had so much support. I had people I did not even know that were there to help support me on my journey of faith.

Right before I was to go in I had this internal conversation gong on in my mind. It was such a big deal. I felt like my whole life had been such a mess that there was no way I was going to be able to keep all these promises to heavenly father. I admit now that I have struggled with and have had issues with keeping all of them but I now know that Heavenly Father forgives us. He just wants us to be better each day and to learn, and to try to be like him. But no one is perfect.

As I was there about to get in the water I could not even push that door open. I was frozen. I had this fear and anxiety about going in. I was scared. I was thinking every stupid thing I had done, how I was this horrible person and I was just such a screw up in life in every way.

I remember one of the missionaries praying. They were both there. And I was at the point where I was about to just walk away. I was having the hardest moment in my life. And im saying that after having three children! But they prayed, I felt peace. I walked in on faith. On faith that this is what heavenly father wants. Faith that I need heavenly father. On faith that the church is  a church of broken people, of people who make mistakes, and people who do wrong things. But with heavenly father we can be whole. With heavenly fathers help we can be as clean as earth right after rain.

I made that step and went in to the water, and when I came up again I felt this peace that I have never felt before. When I went back in to get dressed and dry I was crying. I felt so at peace. I felt so loved. A love that I have not felt in a long long time. But every day I try to feel it. Because I know it is there.

I can’t say that my life is all rainbows and unicorns since I was baptized. It will never be. Heavenly father is there however to help me carry all the issues that I’m going through. He is there to help me. To guide me. To lead me. To be there to listen to me. I heard a quote that stuck with me. The teacher is always silent during the test.
Heavenly Father is THE teacher. I may not feel him during my trials, and my issues. But he is there. He is there helping me.