We had gone through a rough patch and even when I told him I was going through a lot of emotional things and needed some extra hugs and cuddles. I tried to start kissing him and he turned away. It's been about 3 weeks where I feel like he has not wanted to touch me, and I felt very unloved.
Coming from a place where my father has told me he has lived me and I can count it on one hand. A marriage that ended with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. Feeling unloved and not cared fore can set me in to a deep spiral. I was at the point I needed to be shown that I was cared about. He is very literal and I need to make sure to ask for the things I need. So I told him, and still yet he could not hold me, kiss me, and show me affection.
I went last Sunday to the YSA with him. I had written the night before 4 little love notes. I have fallen for him hard. We have been dating almost 6 months. When I first converted marriage was the last thing on my mind. I was done after my ex husband. I was so hurt.
Slowly I found joy. The smile on his face. The way he treated my kids. The way my kids respect and love him. How he took my son out on a guys night to the comic book store and how my son is still talking about it. The joy in the little teasing he would do to me, like tugging on my pony tail, throwing pop corn at each other in the movies, the cheeky grin on his face.
This is a man I have fallen in love with. When we were texting on Sunday I asked him if he loved me. The answers back after we're not what I was expecting. My heart was crushed. Words thrown around like "don't want you to put all your eggs in one basket".... My heart was broken
I'm still not sure if we are over. My eyes are swollen from crying so much. My heart feels like it has been stomped on and run over.
I got some good words of advice from J. My sister, friend, and spiritual mom! She told me to think of PIE. I was confused. But she told me it stood for physical emotional Intellectual. She said we need to get our pie daily. So I'm starting to try to.
Today I took a walk to the grocery store. Took a few laps at round the store before I grabbed the Starbucks pink drink, and then I'm having an spot with the sister missionaries at lunch time. And tonight I'm going to take my kids to see finding dory and I'm going to have my emotional. Or watch more greys on Netflix.
Heartache is hard to get over. This man I have been dating I have thought of him as someone who could be Daddy to my kids, someone I could see myself having another child with. It's very hard to see these things go. These dreams I had for us disappear. But I need to pray. Heavenly Father has a plan. I know my eternal companion is out there. Somewhere. I just need to pray for him
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