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Monday, 13 February 2017

Like a falling glass

I have been struggling a lot lately. I think thats why I have taken a break from writing.

Things have not been all that great. My kids father has decided to stop paying his child support after we went to court to get day care costs figured out. He did not like the judgement from the court that he would have to pay some child support.

Christmas was rough but I had a random person help me out and I was able to get great gifts for the kids. They had an amazing christmas and even got some clothing for the new year. Things were going great till we were hit with a nasty cold and strep throat.

When you get sick with illness for as long as we were (almost 3 weeks) it can wear on you. I was unable to go to church for 2 weeks, and then we had a big snow storm and it was cancelled. I have had a lot of stress over that time as well. I just felt this empty feeling, and this anger inside. I have so much hurt in my heart and some days its hard to not let if overwhelm me.

Im in my early 30's and never expected to be divorced. I always had that white picket fence dream and when it came crashing down 4 years ago it was a lot to deal with. I have tried to give my kids the best but its hard. I have taken care of my mother and watched her die. I have taken care of my father who lives with me and tried to take care of his care as much as I can. I also have 3 kids that I take care of and now 2 of them have special needs and it gets to be a lot.

I think the hardest part is when people from community services say that they are going to help and get us connected and then nothing happens. They just don't return phone calls, or don't fill out the paper work. Im just beyond exhausted from trying to get things going for my kids to make sure they are taken care of.

I am at the point where Im exhausted from taking care of everyone. I have taken care of everyone for so long and without a real break. I am falling apart but its that slow motion like when you drop a glass and everyone is grasping for it but it keeps falling and no one can get to it in time. I feel like Im falling and no one can help me.

Im trying to just to keep my head above the water. I just keep praying and hoping that things will get better and that the trials that Im going through will get easier.

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

Trying to not let depression keep hold.

Things have been a bid hard in my life lately. Depression has been hitting me hard. Its been this big dark blanket that has just wrapped around me and I cant let go. It's not good. But its been there. I cant help it. It just has sunk in to my body and hurts.

I have been struggling to see the glory that Heavenly Father has in my life. I have felt so upset and sad and depressed suicide has been on my mind a lot lately.

I'm struggling with trying to make ends meet. To take care of my kids. To make sure they are taken care of, and to make sure my father is taken care of.

Many times over the last months I have skipped meals, or not eaten all day except for a slice of bread because its more important for my kids and father to eat then myself. I have been struggling as this time last year things were so much different and it has sent me in to a bit tailspin down.

This time last year I was in Mexico with my kids. I had money that I was given from my moms death and I went with my kids for 2 weeks to mexico. We spent time as a family connecting, and we also brought a lot of items to help kids in an orphanage down there. It was amazing to go down and give supplies to a food bank down there that helps the poor in the town we visited. It was great to blow up a bunch of balls and to hand them out to kids in mexico. We got to go to an orphanage and give them pens, pencils, paper, note books, and toys, and the kids there were so happy. A little boy had just got brought in and was given a book,  a stuffed toy, and a soccor ball. This was the first time he had something that was just HIS. It made me cry. My kids got to learn that not everyone is rich enough to own a toilet that flushes. Not everyone is able to afford a toilet seat. It was hard for them to learn but lessons that have stuck with them. We were able to donate money to them so the orphanage could fix there water pump as it was broken and they were having to carry water from down the street.

Now here one year later I'm relying on other for fruit for my kids. Im relying on the food bank. On the bishops storehouse. Im relying on others. It just kills me. It shouldn't be this way. I never expected that thousands upon thousands would be going to pay lawyers fees to get things dealt with with my ex husband. That I would be sitting here broke as anything.

Im exhausted. I feel like a failure. I just feel so lost.

I admit there have been more days then not where I sit thinking that my kids would be better off if I was not there. How I could just walk off and kill myself so my kids would not see it. But the only thing that is keeping me alive is knowing that my kids would be with my Ex husband and that is not good for them. That they would be in a horrible home that way. That my father even though we dont get along would then be subjected to live in a nursing home. A home that he is not ready to enter in and is doing so well.

Every day I cry out to Heavenly Father to help me have streinght to try to make it one more day. To just make it till tomorrow. And just keep going. But thats the way I am. I put on a happy face, and I smile and I pretend like things are ok. I admit if any of my friends read this they would have no idea that I have been feeling this way. Becouse Im good at holding it back from other. I struggle so hard but I put on my happy face.

Heavenly Father is the only reason I am here alive today. If I didnt have him in my life I dont know where I would be. I know he is not a vending machine and I cant pray and expect my life to get better right away. But I do know slowly he is making things better. He has friends in my life who do little things like dropping off some mcdonalds vouchers for the kids for treats, or just being there to help me get to an appointment.

I want to share that If you are feeling dark please do reach out. I was able to reach out to the relief society teacher. She was able to talk to me and make sure I was feeling better. She was able to be there for me, to pray for me. Please dont feel bad if you need medication. Medication is there to help. Dont feel any less for taking it. You would not tell a diabetic its mind over mater and to stop taking insulin, so dont hold yourself up to that.

sending out lots of Love and prayers for all of you who read. Please comment! I love them!

Friday, 28 October 2016

Feeling dead inside.... and the flu

I have been struggling with getting over two guys, and I just hurt inside. I have also this great guy who is local who would love to marry me but he is just not the type of person I see myself with.

To top it off I got the flu about 5 days after I got my flu shot. This is the sickest that I have been. Im just exhausted and done.

Just before I came down with he flu I got my Patriarchal blessing. It was the most amazing thing I had ever had done in my life. It was my personal message from Heavenly Father on what I can receive if I follow the commandments and do what Im told.

Im also struggling with income, Im trying to raise money to cover my lawyers fees. I need $1000 by December first.

Well this is a short one. Im still resting and trying to get over this darn flu. I have spend the last 3 days sleeping. Thankfully my kids have been really well behaved, frozen dinners have kept them full for dinner. Hopefully Im feeling better tomorrow and can take my kids to a trunk or treat.

Friday, 14 October 2016

Life gets crazy. Hold on to the iron rod.

Life gets crazy.
I had to block my ex boyfriend from Facebook, Instagram and snapchat. It was the day after my friend D's baptism and he came to the baptism and I told him that I needed to stop contact or I would never get over him. Well he ended up liking a bunch of posts on my Instagram account. Hurt like anything.

I miss him. I love him. I feel rejected for bettering myself by going back to school. I feel like I was not good enough for him. Like I did not make him happy. It hurt.

I have been having feelings for a guy from Utah named D.  We went to 2 sessions of conference together, went to a return missionaries party. It was great. I wanted to kiss him so bad when I was down there. But I just could not do it.

We had been talking for a few months and I have opened up to him about everything. Everything. The good, the bad, the ugly.

Well, after I got back I laid out all my feelings for him. He didn't say anything. We talked. And then he called and we talked about other things, but not that and then ended the conversation. He has not read any of my recent Facebook messages I sent him. He is usually good at that.
It just hurts. I put myself out there. This guy is amazing. Just super amazing Godly man who would be an awesome addition to my life. But no response. Makes me feel like no one is going to want me as damaged as I am.

And then D my friend who was baptized. We went out on a few days. We actually were engaged 2 years ago but I broke it off. Well he has been distant since his conformation.

Things have been really stressful. Thanksgiving weekend we had a leak in our roof. My landlord is out of country to boot. Had water pouring out my light fixture. I got home from my pathways class to water leaking in one of my front windows. Thank goodness it was where the kitty litter was! Then this morning the light fixture again.

I'm just exhausted. I'm done. I'm the only adult in the house doing everything. My two oldest are special needs and my house is a trashed mess. I'm just done.
I do all the cooking, cleaning, bill paying, repairs, getting people to appointments, taking care of everything. I'm just exhausted and done. I'm so tired of it all.  I have to take care of everyone but I have no one to take care of me. It really bites being a single parent. I would have never chosen this life. It's crazy how things change from expected.

Saturday, 8 October 2016

Be Specific in your prayers.

Went to instatue and ha d a good think about the lesson. They were talking about faith and having faith like a child. How little kids and just go and ask for what they want. What is there need. It made me realize that I need to have faith like a child. That I need to be specific in my prayers.

I have listend to my kids prayers and what they pray for. That there sibling will be nice. That the bully will be loved. That they will get to play on the swings at lunch. That they can play dogeball in gym. That they can have candy after school. That there friends will be happy.....

The prayers they pray are so simple. So quick. So to the point. Makes me think of my prayers. That I need to be simple. That I need to just ask for small simple things.

So starting today. Dear Heavenly Father please send me a spouse. A Godly Spouse. A preisthood holder. In Jesus name we pray. Amen.

Thursday, 6 October 2016

I can't stop loving you....

Things got to a big head over the weekend. After texting with my ex via text over the weekend during conference my heart was just yearning for him. I really truly have fallen for him. My heart is his. Im still in love with him.

I miss the good morning and good night texts. I miss the way he holds me. I miss the way he tells me he cares about me. I miss the way he txts to make sure I have eaten lunch. I miss the way he is so good with my kids and how they look up to him. I miss the way he acts around my son and how my son felt like he had a father figure in his life.

What hurts the most is all the ideas I had about this relationship. That I felt close enough to tell him every little thing and all the bad and he still loved me in return. That this man I saw myself going to the temple with. That this man I had been close to asking him to marry me. That I would wait for this man till he was ready.

But he crushed my heart. He told me he could not be the man he thought I needed. He could not be my eternal companion. He told me that he prays for me, and wishes me all the best. That he dosent want to hold me back from my eternal companion.

BUT I WANT HIM. I want him to hold me close. I want him to love me. I want him, and only him.

So this monday I called him and told him I had to break off all contact. I had to stop talking to him. That I could not be his friend. I could not handle the friendly txts. It just hurt too much. Because all I want is for him to hold me and tell me he loves me.

And the hard thing is my friend D just got baptised. We had dated before. And we started casually dating. He told me when he droped me off that dating wont work. That he sees this all and understands. The sad part is that he said he would marry me if I wanted to. But I just love A so much. I cant even think about D in that way.

My heart is broken and I have spent the last long while crying so many tears over A. My heart aches for him. Im not sure how I can get over him. Many nights I cry myself to sleep wishing he would just love me. That he would let me be his wife and take care of him. That he would let me love him.

Thursday, 15 September 2016

High school poetry


Feeding her soul through her mouth
Eyes wide open
Looking where to turn to
Unable to have peace
Because of her
Trembling fears
Of herself
The food in her hands
Her heart full of shame
Not able to be

No understanding

No understanding
Her mind flowing
Here and there
Fear flowing through her
In her hair
Out through her fingers
Mind totally exposed
No understanding of life
Or of anything
This earth
This girl
No understanding

Love and goddesses

Love and goddesses
Names and food
Things that bring
You and me
Honey, oysters, asparagus.
And more.
Is it food?
Or is it you?
Fulfillment with you
Or is it just,
Love and goddesses

Words not spoken

Putting his lips on mine
Telling me he loves me
I'm not sure
What to do
If I can say
The same words
Back to him.
Fears that rush in
Like the cool summer breeze
Just wondering if
My heart
Does it
Truly love
Will I know if I say these words
That tear my heart?
I love you
The words not spoken.

Empty inside

I'm not sure of the things to do
Places to go
Or people to see.
Uncertainty plagues my mind
Empty, is all that is there
Not able to give peace.
Empty space in to nothing.
Nothing will come of
Empty inside.


Things that float
Things that flit
Things that I may
Just mear understand