I can't stop loving you....

Things got to a big head over the weekend. After texting with my ex via text over the weekend during conference my heart was just yearning for him. I really truly have fallen for him. My heart is his. Im still in love with him.

I miss the good morning and good night texts. I miss the way he holds me. I miss the way he tells me he cares about me. I miss the way he txts to make sure I have eaten lunch. I miss the way he is so good with my kids and how they look up to him. I miss the way he acts around my son and how my son felt like he had a father figure in his life.

What hurts the most is all the ideas I had about this relationship. That I felt close enough to tell him every little thing and all the bad and he still loved me in return. That this man I saw myself going to the temple with. That this man I had been close to asking him to marry me. That I would wait for this man till he was ready.

But he crushed my heart. He told me he could not be the man he thought I needed. He could not be my eternal companion. He told me that he prays for me, and wishes me all the best. That he dosent want to hold me back from my eternal companion.

BUT I WANT HIM. I want him to hold me close. I want him to love me. I want him, and only him.


So this monday I called him and told him I had to break off all contact. I had to stop talking to him. That I could not be his friend. I could not handle the friendly txts. It just hurt too much. Because all I want is for him to hold me and tell me he loves me.

And the hard thing is my friend D just got baptised. We had dated before. And we started casually dating. He told me when he droped me off that dating wont work. That he sees this all and understands. The sad part is that he said he would marry me if I wanted to. But I just love A so much. I cant even think about D in that way.

My heart is broken and I have spent the last long while crying so many tears over A. My heart aches for him. Im not sure how I can get over him. Many nights I cry myself to sleep wishing he would just love me. That he would let me be his wife and take care of him. That he would let me love him.