Finally done with police....

Finally finished with police...   Yep it's a txt you never want to get from a loved one. Today after I was done at the vets office (my 3 legged cat is sick and not sure what is wrong but that's for another day) I got that as a reply from my boyfriend.

I found out that he was hit from behind by a driver in a small car. He then told me that the other drivers car is a write off and all the airbags went off.

This scared me beyond belief as first I was worried about his physical health. That he was on an adrenalin high and would not feel any injury.

Second I was scared because I really care about him. And I sent him these words after he assured me that he was ok.

"I care about you so much I don't know what I would do if I lost you. I know it was not that bad but I care about you a lot. More then I can put in to words right now."

I love this amazing man. We can't go without texting each other multiple times a day. I feel lost without his txts. I truly care for him and want to make sure his needs are met, and that he is taken care of. And the most amazing thing is he takes care of my needs. He is a gift from Heavenly Father at the right time.

Be the person you want to marry

I started talking to someone. And was given some great advice. She suggested to write down what i want in a future husband and to strive to be that. so here is goes in random order.

• will tell me all that he is thinking and be there to hear everything that I'm thinking. 
• who will be romantic and show me physicaly and verbally that he loves me. 
• who will love my kids just as much as I love them. 
• will want to pray with me every day
• will want to work on issues and sit down and fix them. 
• who will push me to be the best that i can be
• who will help me with house work, and things that need to be done
• who i can laugh with
• who will be there when I'm sad and depressed and just hold me
• who will be there in the good and in the bad
• who will love me. 
• who will want the best for me
• who will want the best for my kids
• someone who will put my needs over his, and will let me put his needs over mine. 
• who will be my equal
• who will put 100% in to the relationship as i will put 100% in. 
• will understand that we may need time apart when we are mad at each other but want to fix things. 
• will want to travel. I love to travel. 
• will listen to all my silly hopes and dreams
• will wipe away my tears
• will love me no matter what. 
• will always try. no quitting in the relationship. 
• will be faithful. 

now to try to be this person for my future husband.

Truly evolved man will treat you differently

I was reading a article on how a truly evolved man will treat you differently then any other guy. I thought I would look at its points.

1. You will share the drivers seats.
Well the guy I'm seeing is an introvert. He does give me the option to choose most things, but when I give him the choice it's great. I like it that we both can switch. I wish he would choose more often.
2. They will see things in a way you may never have.
So true! He always gives me another perspective. Kindly telling me if I'm too upset, how to look at it from the other perspective and if I'm letting myself get walked all over.
3. They will challenge your shit.
 True. This man pushes me to be a better mother, girlfriend, and most of all child of God!
4. You might not feel loved.
True. I'm so used to physical only relationship. But when he cares that I'm safe when busing around, or that I have eaten, or if I'm sleeping enough. I'm used to physical kissy and sexual. But this man cares and makes sure I'm fully cared for.
5. You will love beyond what you've ever known.
Yes! This man cares about me and wants to push me to be the best I can be both physically and spiritually. He knows exactly what I need and try's with his whole power to do it or get it.
6. Communication will be his greatest strength.
Well we are working on communication but we have great conversations. I know it's just a thing for us to slowly work on.


Now I'm learning to be the type of partner I want. I'm trying hard to keep my cell use to a minimum when out. I'm trying to love like I want to be loved, and be the type of person I want to love me.

I keep thinking of proverbs 31, and striving to be that sort of woman for my future spouse.

Listening to the spirit

Im still trying to listen to the spirit. Its hard sometimes when you want something but are not sure if it is the spirit talking or your own wants.

I had a good talk with a few friends about it. Got some good advice.

K gave me this advice:

That can be an hour long conversation. Lol 😱 I'm still learning every day. If I feel good about a certain path and pray about it and still feel good about it, I have confidence in that decision. Sometimes I start to go down a certain path and there is second guessing and confusion and that can be confirmation to try a different path. Usually if you have a thought and it is a righteous desire or a righteous choice, that is the spirit. Also, the more you act on those thoughts from the spirit, the better you will get at recognizing how the spirit speaks to you and he will speak to you more because he knows you will act. I hope that makes sense.


Its hard when you are unsure of if its your want or the the spirit speaking.

But Im happy for a change. Im feeling good. In my talks with friends they said if I feel good and i don't have anxiety or questions then its from Heavenly Father.

Now if I can just work on patience. As a mother we teach our kids about patience and learning how to be patient. But its hard when you think you know the time is right.

now to take time to work on me. Time to pull out the paper journal and get working,

Fish up stream, Lost sheep, Two Masks, Kick the dog....

I’m going through an emotional moment. I know it will pass. I know I need to ride it out. I go in waves like the sea. I have always since I was a little kid. My friends and family always told me I was a true Pisces. The fish. Going up the stream one way then going with the stream the other way.

This point I don’t know exactly where I’m going. I’m having a hard time with chastity. This is hard for me because one of my love languages is being physical. I enjoy touch, It’s more important to me than other things. Getting hugged, cuddled, and more is what my body craves. But yet I’m in this situation where I was married for 13 years and getting all that. Yet now I’m not married. But I’m dating. But I can’t do what I had done with my husband with my boyfriend. I want him to touch me. I want him to show how much he cares. I want him to kiss me passionately.

 I admit that quite often I don’t feel good enough because he is not showing me affection like this. Like I’m doing something wrong. Like I’m ugly. Like I’m disgusting. Like I’m just a body to be use for his pleasure, I’m just there to be used like my ex used me like leftovers. Like I don’t deserve any pleasure in life, I’m here to just make others happy. Like I’m just a big fat blob. It’s hard. I’m also at the heaviest that I have ever been in my life. So my feeling good about myself is at a low point.

I have been listening to the last conference talks over and over. And I feel like the lost sheep lately. I feel lost. I know I need to just look towards heavenly father and ask him to come rescue me. But the thing is I don’t feel worthy to be found. I feel like garbage. I feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like a failure to Christ. Like why did he die for me? I so did not deserve it. After all, I’m just a worthless piece of crap that isn’t good for anything. I have a real hard time with self-worth. I know I need to work on it more.

More often than not I feel like a person who is carrying around two masks. The ones from the plays. The sad face, and the happy face. I have the happy face on and telling everyone that I’m fine, and that things are ok. Because people only want to see the happy. They don’t want to see the sadness that I have inside me. The pain that I’m caring and the not matter how many times I “try to give it up to God” it just won’t go. But I have to keep that happy face on. Because no one wants to see the sad me. I have this lyric in my head “You just bleed to know your alive”

Sometimes I just want to feel physical pain instead of this emotional pain. Getting hurt physically will heal. But this pain that I feel inside I’m not sure if I will ever heal from it. I feel so lost and hurt and angry.

The hardest part is this guy I’m with. I love him so much. I care about him so much. I want all the world for this man. This amazing man. But he deserves so much better than me. I have no idea why he is still with me, or what he sees in me.

Because right now I just feel like that puppy dog. The puppy dog that is the one that that angry man comes home to, and kicks. I don’t know when I will stop being that puppy dog.

Injury and I'm sorry....

This last week has been hard. What's worse is I found out my pulled muscle in my shoulder is a tear or torn rotator cuff injury so I'm in a lot of pain. A lot. Hurts so bad.

My kids are also crazy. It's been hard with discipline and working in my anger. I joined a 12 step group as well as I know I need help with my anger and how to have a proper relationship. I'm messed up from my ex husband. The sexual and emotional abuse. The feeling like everything is my fault even if it's not.

Plus I'm Canadian, we say sorry a lot! Like we always apologize even if it's not our fault. Makes it hard as I feel like everything going on is my fault even if it's not.

I'm trying hard to have this relationship with my boyfriend be good, and healthy. We have started praying when we get together and then again when we leave. It's hard as I'm used to a much more physical relationship and staying true to the laws of chastity are hard. Many times I feel like I'm going to close to the edge or going over then I feel guilty and self destructive.

I also hate fighting with someone I love. And truly I do love this man. He is amazing. But it's a big difference talking about helping with 3 kids and how to discipline them then actually living there and doing it day after day.

I'm just exhausted. I'm drained. I'm in so much pain. I have been maxed out on otc painkillers for 2 weeks, now in maxed out on prescription painkillers and it still hurts.

It doesn't help that I have filming in my house for a documentary my family is in, and I need to clean my kids play room, and I can't even lift a can of pop or my iPhone in my bad arm without pain.

Today in morning prayers I cried out to Heavenly Father and asked why am I having to do this alone? Asking for help. It's really hard with 3 little kids all by yourself. I want that eternal companion that can be there for me, the one who can tag me out and say sweetie I have it, it's ok.

I'm trying very hard to remember in my blessing I revived this week that Heavenly Father will surround me like a blanket.

Peace and preasthood blessings

This children's hymn has been through my head for the last few weeks. The simple lyrics convay so much.

I have always loved the sound of the rain. Many times listening to the rain with my mom while growing up. The fresh smell after it rained when everything was fresh again. Watching thunder storms when we visited my grandma in Alberta. Just the simple joy.

After my kids and I burried some of her ashes in Mexico at the base of a Ceba tree, one the Mayans hold dear because there roots go deep down to the earth, and they are the highest tree in the jungle reaching to the heavens.  I was heading out of the jungle with Sol Tamargo of Del Sol Photography and it was starting to rain. Then it stopped and we came upon this swarm of butterflies.

We got out and Sol grabbed her camera. As my kids and I walked up the butterfly's flew around us. So many different colours and types. I have never seen so many different ones. Then they flew away to the heavens.

I know that Heavenly Father helped this happen. So that after the rain and the rainbow and earth being fresh and clean once more I will remember my mother and her love, her smile, and her heart of giving and I know one day I will see her again. I know that families are forever and that the LDS church is true. I know that through preasthood blessings you can have a peace that the Holy Spirit can bring in to your life. And you know one day you will see your loved ones again.

1. I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain
And ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again.
2. I know when I am baptized my wrongs are washed away,
And I can be forgiven and improve myself each day.
Chorus
I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain.
I want to be the best I can and live with God again.

Death and Butterflies

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of my mothers death. I miss her beyond anything. She IS my best friend, my rock, the person I went to with all my problems. The one who would listen and give advice and be there for me.

She is gone.

I hurt more then anything.

I need her now more then anything.

I never felt more alone then that moment when she died. When for hours before I sat by her side holding her hand counting her breaths. Watching her chest rise and fall. Getting the nurses to give her pain medication when I noticed she was in pain.


But now she is gone. Im here. Im the one in pain. But there is no medication for the pain of a broken heart. It hurts so bad. I just want to feel peace. I hurt beyond anything. But there is no pain medication, or any medication that can fix it.

Deep down I know that I will see her again. I know she loves me more then anything. I know she is happy and whole on the other side. I know she is able to walk, that she can talk again, that she has full movement. But that does not make it any easier for those of us left behind.

I remember on her birthday last year when I spread her ashes in mexico and it started to rain after, and as we were driving out of the jungle the rain stopped and there was a swarm of butterflies. We got out of the car and the butterflies flew around us. There was more types of butterflies then i had ever seen in my life.

I know she is free like a butterfly and able to fly free...

Thank you to Sol of Del Sol Photography for taking these amazing photos

My testimony

I have heard about the church off an on since I was younger. I found out that they were doing tours of the Vancouver temple and got a friend to come with me to view it. I had just had twins and they were babies. So I was touring the temple with two little babies who were under 6 months old, It was this amazing peace that came over me as I was walking through and looking at the amazing work, the sun shining through the windows, the peace that was felt. At one point in the tour we were in the room where they seal the marriages. They talked about looking in the mirrors and seeing yourself for eternity. They talked a bit about how they believe that marriage is for time and all eternity, not just in this life but in the next. I remember walking up to the mirror and looking at myself, my reflection going on and on and on and thinking that some day my husband and I may be there. How amazing would it be to be with him forever and ever.  Unfortunaly life does not always go that way. I had another child, 3 in total. Things got stressful. There was a lot of anger in the home. It ended up that due to anger issues I left for the safety of my children.

In the year before I left I saw the missionaries walking around in the park by my kid’s school, I would either ignore them, or be abrupt and rude. I was angry with a lot of things going on in my life at that point, my mom was given a diagnosis of an illness that was like ALS and parkonsons mixed and was loosing her slowly, even though I grew up in a home where we talked about God and Jesus Christ I was angry. I was not ready to hear.

After I had left and started over on my own with 3 little kids I got a call that no one wants to get. I found out that my father was found unconscious at home. I scrambled to get care for the kids and get to the hospital. When I went in I was led in to a room. A quiet room. That room was so very blue, the chairs were the padded plastic. The table was flimsy and there was a black phone on the table along with a few handouts about the hospital and hospice and counselling servicers offered. I had no one with me. I was in this blue blue room alone. I didn’t want to sit down. I knew what that room was. It was the room where they tell you bad news. I was pacing back and forth, my cell phone was almost dead. I logged on to facebook and was just looking at what everyone else in my life was going through as I just did not want to deal with it.

I was brought in and told my dad had a stroke, a bad one, and they were not sure if he was going to make it. I was brought in to talk to the doctor and to see my dad. I was told that he would not look like himself and to prepare myself.

The doctor came over and told me that it was bad. That they did not expect him to live past the night. I burst out in tears. And in that point I cried out Oh my God. In my head I was screaming at God. I was angry. I mad. How could this happen. I was standing there crying and holding his hand. The nurse was talking to me. Telling me to talk to my dad. That he could hear me. Even though I did not know it, God heard me, He was listening.

My dad had his surgery and came out ok with only some slight issues. But my mother who was at the time so progressed in her illness she was on a feeding tube and bed bound I had to choose. I had 3 children and had to choose what parent to take care off. I had to place my mother in a nursing home. I could not care for everyone on my own.

I had to move my children and my dad to a larger house. It was a struggle moving back with my father whom I had not lived with since I was 13. But we were making it work. I was struggling emotionally. There was an outdoor mall that I liked to go to with my kids, I would go there once a week as they have an amazing pizza place and out door playground for the kids.

I would see the missionaries walking around the outdoor mall. Talking to people every so often. I would just ignore them or just be in to my phone. One Saturday when the kids were at there fathers house I was there by myself, I don’t remember why I was there, But I remember these two young men in their suits, the smile on there face. They just smiled and had this peace and friendly feeling about them. For the first time I smiled back.

So I started talking to them. They were sweet and Kind. This one guy had this smile on his face and a sincere look in his eyes. So we talked. They invited me to come to church. They wrote it on the back of a card along with the address and I gave them my cell number but told them to txt only. I didn’t like talking on the phone any more, and a text is always easier to ignore then someone calling on the phone.

So on Sunday I went. I was nervous but the missionaries were there, and it turned out that it was General Conference. I watched it and It was good. I liked how it talked about families. We set up a time to talk and I met them at starbucks later on during the week. Was able to see them while the kids were in school and it made me thing a little easier. They gave me a book of Mormon. I don’t even remember much about what we talked about. I just remember this feeling. This peaceful happy feeling. This feeling that I had not had in my life in quite some time. I wanted to feel it more.

They invited me back again next Sunday. So I went back. It was different hearing the people talk, and then going in to this class and learning more, and then a group for just the women! I wasn’t used to that. Growing up in a Pentecostal house and going to a Christian school, things were done a bit different. It pushed me out of my comfort zone. But I felt happy, I felt this peace, it was like I almost didn’t want to leave. I had made a commitment to read the BOM, I had found a 30 day tracker to read it. I started it and it was great. I knew that heavenly father was talking to me and that this was right. I was asked by the missionaries to set a date to be baptized. I wasn’t to sure and was not ready to set a date yet.

I got a call one Sunday after I had gone to church. I found out my mom had pulled her feeding tube. She pulled it so many times that week they took it as her saying she was ready to die. My heart sank. I was in shock, I was angry. I received a text a few days later from the missionaries and I told them what was happening. I had at that point been texting with the missionaries. I was in the nursing home and I told them what had happened. I was the person that could not accept help. I have always struggled with that, Even today I struggle with accepting help. But I asked them to keep txting me. And they did.

As things got more and more grim with my mother they would text me more often. They prayed for me, and they prayed with me. My moms nursing home was out of the area they were in so they were not allowed to come see me. But they were there. I had no friends who stepped up and were able to be with me. I am an only child so I had no siblings to help. I had no support from anyone except these two missionaries. They were there for me. They were the ones I turned to.

A few days In to sleeping on a hard chair, I went to the rec room of the nursing home and there was a book of Mormon on the shelf. I pulled it off and I started reading it. I just would flip through and read. It brought me comfort. Then the worst happened. My mother died. I was there holding her hand as he last breath was taken, I was there for hours before praying to God and asking him why. Why had he given me so much in my life. Why was he taking her. Why was my mother dying. With everything else I have had to deal with, divorce, abusive spouse, my father having a stroke, dealing with 3 young kids alone. Why? Where was he. Why did he leave me when I needed him the most? When she passed I had this feeling of emptiness in me. I was alone. It was the first time in my life I had ever felt so alone. I had NO ONE. I just lost my mother, my best friend, the only person at that time that i could talk to about everything and not be judged. Where did I turn to? I sent the missionaries a text. It was just before midnight and I text them that my mom had died.

I had a few txts back and forth with them after, they came to my house and I would ignore the bell, or tell them I was busy. I was angry. I was very angry at everyone. I was done. I was alone. I was hurt.

I felt this way for a long long time. I started dating, and was drinking. It was to the point where I was drinking to forget, and dating guys to feel that someone cared about me. I was lost and hurt and I had no one to turn to, so I turned to things, Things that I did not need to turn to. I had Christmas coming up and it was the first one without my mother. I decided to pack up my children and go to mexico. I wanted to go away and forget. I always felt at peace near the water. I would walk with my feet in the warm water and just feel the sun. While down there I Partied hard when the kids were in bed, and I just wanted to forget. And forget was what I did for a little bit.

When I got back I had this empty feeling that was still there. I couldn’t fill it. I was done with dating and went to deleted all my dating sites. I ended up with this message from a guy. I felt bad and responded and was going to tell him I was not interested but something happen and I kept talking to him. We were texting and decided to go out to a movie. He was not my usual type that I went out with, but I felt this peace about him and it was easy to talk to him. So we went out a few time, I told him Sundays were the best time for me to go out as my ex has the kids on Sunday, he explained to me that he goes to church on Sunday and with his belief they don’t do things that cause others to work on Sunday and keep the Sabbath holy. I was a bit shocked, but then out of my mouth came the words “can I go to church with you?”

I was more shocked that I said it. But later that week my best friend went dress shopping with me since I’m a jeans and tshirt or yoga pants girl and I have not worn a dress in a long time. SO I went to church with him. And then the following week. Then I wanted to know more. Every Sunday I had answers to things that were going on in my life. I had answers to things that were going on in my life and I was stressed out with. I wanted to keep going as I needed these answers. I wanted to know more. I was striving to learn more.  He got me set up with the scriptures on my phone, along with making sure I downloaded the other parts to learn about the restoration, the plan of salvation, the gospel of Jesus Christ, chastity, the word of wisdom, tithing and fast offering, and more. He answered as many of the questions as he could. And suggested I talk to the missionaries. So I ended up speaking to some amazing young women at the ward.

Things just started to feel right, I started to feel happy in my life. I felt this peace that I had not been feeling for a long time. I wanted to get baptized. I wanted to make this commitment to heavenly father. It was a hard thing as It was something I truly wanted but was scared. It is such a big commitment. A big promise. As things were getting close to getting baptized I wanted it small and quite. Im at a point in my life that I don’t like attention, I would love to slip by unnoticed if I could. But on that day when I got baptized I had so much support. I had people I did not even know that were there to help support me on my journey of faith.

Right before I was to go in I had this internal conversation gong on in my mind. It was such a big deal. I felt like my whole life had been such a mess that there was no way I was going to be able to keep all these promises to heavenly father. I admit now that I have struggled with and have had issues with keeping all of them but I now know that Heavenly Father forgives us. He just wants us to be better each day and to learn, and to try to be like him. But no one is perfect.

As I was there about to get in the water I could not even push that door open. I was frozen. I had this fear and anxiety about going in. I was scared. I was thinking every stupid thing I had done, how I was this horrible person and I was just such a screw up in life in every way.

I remember one of the missionaries praying. They were both there. And I was at the point where I was about to just walk away. I was having the hardest moment in my life. And im saying that after having three children! But they prayed, I felt peace. I walked in on faith. On faith that this is what heavenly father wants. Faith that I need heavenly father. On faith that the church is  a church of broken people, of people who make mistakes, and people who do wrong things. But with heavenly father we can be whole. With heavenly fathers help we can be as clean as earth right after rain.

I made that step and went in to the water, and when I came up again I felt this peace that I have never felt before. When I went back in to get dressed and dry I was crying. I felt so at peace. I felt so loved. A love that I have not felt in a long long time. But every day I try to feel it. Because I know it is there.

I can’t say that my life is all rainbows and unicorns since I was baptized. It will never be. Heavenly father is there however to help me carry all the issues that I’m going through. He is there to help me. To guide me. To lead me. To be there to listen to me. I heard a quote that stuck with me. The teacher is always silent during the test.
Heavenly Father is THE teacher. I may not feel him during my trials, and my issues. But he is there. He is there helping me.

Therapy and Sexual Assault.

Yesterday I went to talk to someone about all the things going on in my life. It has been hard and I admit I have not had an easy life and I have been holding a lot in, its been hard to forgive and move on. The person I’m talking with suggested that I write things down. I laughed as well I have started this blog. I’m still quite anonymous on here…. So it gives me a bit of ability to share about my life as only a few people I know in real life know about this blog.

When I was younger I was sexually assaulted. It has been something that I have kept with me for quite some time. She suggested I write about it, and get it out there. I think it may be good because I have kept it bottled up for over 10 years now.

Before I was 13 I was sexually assaulted by an adult. By a man who I looked up up to and who I thought of as a friend, as someone that I could come to with my problems. I had been having issues with my parents and my parents were split at the time dealing with there own marriage issues and I needed someone to talk to. So I talked to this man, he was there for me, or so I thought. Things were going really bad and I needed to have some space away from my parents and he said I could go to his place and have a place to relax and get some time away.

Well I met him and he took me back to his house. He had some cake that he had in the fridge and pulled it out and cut us each a piece as we talked. He was very showy with the knife. Playing around with it it and it made me uncomfortable, but we were talking and he was so sympathetic that I pushed the feelings out of my mind.

I ended up tied up for a few days, I was sexually assaulted, I was forced to do things against my will, I was hurt, I was degraded, I was cut with a knife. But with all those things the worst happened after he let me go. After he he had hurt me and let me leave, I went to the hospital and they did a rape kit. That was scary and degrading. But the worst part came after. They sent two male police officers to talk to me, to get my story on what happened. After I had given my story they went and told me that I lied. They told me I was not torn up enough on the inside so I wanted it. That I was a slut, and whore. Then I had one police officer tell me that it was my fault. That I asked for it it. That if I was his daughter he would have shot me by now. And then he walked out of the room. The other officer who was not looking at me or saying anything got up and they left. They left me sobbing in the room.

This was the start of my feelings of worthless ness. The feelings that I’m worthless and not able to have anything happy or good in my life. The start of the feeling that Heavenly Father abandoned me. That I was always going to be alone. That I had asked for it, and that many subconsciously I wanted it, and it was hard.

I started acting out after that. I started having casual sex with boyfriends as after all I was told by a police officer that I asked for it, that I was a whore. If all those things were being told to me by someone that I’m told to respect and look up to then it must be true so why not do them. Why not become a whore and slut and do what men wanted from me?

I’m not sure where to end this blog post. Its just going to be a continuation going on and on….