Fish up stream, Lost sheep, Two Masks, Kick the dog....

I’m going through an emotional moment. I know it will pass. I know I need to ride it out. I go in waves like the sea. I have always since I was a little kid. My friends and family always told me I was a true Pisces. The fish. Going up the stream one way then going with the stream the other way.

This point I don’t know exactly where I’m going. I’m having a hard time with chastity. This is hard for me because one of my love languages is being physical. I enjoy touch, It’s more important to me than other things. Getting hugged, cuddled, and more is what my body craves. But yet I’m in this situation where I was married for 13 years and getting all that. Yet now I’m not married. But I’m dating. But I can’t do what I had done with my husband with my boyfriend. I want him to touch me. I want him to show how much he cares. I want him to kiss me passionately.

 I admit that quite often I don’t feel good enough because he is not showing me affection like this. Like I’m doing something wrong. Like I’m ugly. Like I’m disgusting. Like I’m just a body to be use for his pleasure, I’m just there to be used like my ex used me like leftovers. Like I don’t deserve any pleasure in life, I’m here to just make others happy. Like I’m just a big fat blob. It’s hard. I’m also at the heaviest that I have ever been in my life. So my feeling good about myself is at a low point.

I have been listening to the last conference talks over and over. And I feel like the lost sheep lately. I feel lost. I know I need to just look towards heavenly father and ask him to come rescue me. But the thing is I don’t feel worthy to be found. I feel like garbage. I feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like a failure to Christ. Like why did he die for me? I so did not deserve it. After all, I’m just a worthless piece of crap that isn’t good for anything. I have a real hard time with self-worth. I know I need to work on it more.

More often than not I feel like a person who is carrying around two masks. The ones from the plays. The sad face, and the happy face. I have the happy face on and telling everyone that I’m fine, and that things are ok. Because people only want to see the happy. They don’t want to see the sadness that I have inside me. The pain that I’m caring and the not matter how many times I “try to give it up to God” it just won’t go. But I have to keep that happy face on. Because no one wants to see the sad me. I have this lyric in my head “You just bleed to know your alive”

Sometimes I just want to feel physical pain instead of this emotional pain. Getting hurt physically will heal. But this pain that I feel inside I’m not sure if I will ever heal from it. I feel so lost and hurt and angry.

The hardest part is this guy I’m with. I love him so much. I care about him so much. I want all the world for this man. This amazing man. But he deserves so much better than me. I have no idea why he is still with me, or what he sees in me.

Because right now I just feel like that puppy dog. The puppy dog that is the one that that angry man comes home to, and kicks. I don’t know when I will stop being that puppy dog.