Broken Heart and Moving on.

Its been just under two weeks with this broken heart. Tomorrow is supposed to be the 6 month anniversary with the one I gave my heart to. But its not. Instead today I see him as he offered to watch my kids as I go to a mid singles event. I have now been pushed out of the YSA and I feel lost.  Im not married so I don't fit in with the married mothers at my ward, but I'm being told I'm not welcome at the YSA. There are no Mid Singles wards in my area. I am in this limbo land.

I hope that tomorrow on Canada Day I can meet a few of the mid singles in the area. Im also going today to a mid singles event tonight and I hope that I can meet someone. Make some friends at least. I also spoke with my lawyer the other day and she says that my ex should be able to take the kids so I can go to the mid singles camping event. Its 3 days out in Hope BC. She says if he does not take the kids then I would be able to go to court and get an injunction for him to take the children since he is rarely taking them as is.

My heart is still broken. It hurts so much. I still have my anniversary gift to give my ex. I don't want to keep them. I had a bunch of love letters that I had written him. They are in a little book. I had written about half of them. Then there is a painting that I did for him. I always used to tell him that I loved him to the moon and back. So i painted a picture of the moon and the earth and the stars. I have seen it on my kitchen table for the last 2 weeks. Its been sitting there staring at me. I want to trash it. I want to throw it. I want to light it on fire. But the thing is I love him. I will always love him.

There are a only a few people you ever fall in love with. I still remember my first love. I remember being crushed by him just leaving out of my life, no answers. Then there was my ex husband, I fell for him and loved him with all my heart. I still will love him as the father of my children. Every time I look at my oldest daughter I see him in her. I see that spunky personality and the same face and colouring and freckles and hair. And then my ex boyfriend. I will always have a part of my heart devoted to him. He was the man I saw that could handle my kids, treat them as if they were his own. He was the one that when we kissed he took my breath away. The one that when we had our first spat and he thought I was being to friendly/hitting on his roommate and friend and wanting to spend time with him only I went and told him that I loved him and if I didn't care about him so much I would not be putting in the effort and the time for him. I still love him. I care about him. I am glad that we can both be friends.

Its going to take me awhile to be ok with just being friends. But I am glad that he told me that he is not reddy for marriage. That he is not ready to settle down. I admit it hurts as he is the one that I saw myself going to the temple with him, and every verse and good word he sends to me makes me melt and I feel Heavenly Fathers love through him.

I am happy that he still wants to be in the kids lives. He still wants to hang out with my son, and my kids. That he will be there to give them a blessing if they need it. He will be there to listen to them, to talk to them, to guide to them.

I now have to start this journey on my own. To find my eternal companion. I hope that some day I will be able to find him. I want to be able to go to the temple. To find that one person that cares about me as much as I care about him. The one that will treat my children the same way I treat them and even treat them better. I need this eternal companion soon. I need him for my heart, for my children who need a father figure in there life. I need someone who is going to give me 100% and I will give them 100%.  This is not the journey I wanted. This is not the path I wanted to take.

But I need to know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. For I am his child and I can't see that plan that he has, but I need to trust him that he knows what is right for me and that things will be ok.

It's over..., time to tick single

So it's officially over. We almost made is 6 months. In 7 days we would have hit that point. 

I have a painting I made him. I poured my heart and soul in to this relationship. I spent many days praying, reading scripture, following that still small voice. 

He was a man I loved so much. He is an amazing man of our Heavenly Father. His smile can light a room, he is great with my children. He was everything I wanted in a man. 

But things had grown a bit distant and today he told me that we were in different place emotionally/physically/spiritually. That he is not ready for marriage, and doesn't know if he will be. That I have my life organized and he dosnt. 

My heart broke today. This is the man I fell in love with. The one I wanted to hold me forever. The one I want to go to the temple with. The one I want to pray to Heavenly Father on vended knee with every night. The one I want to be my forever. To be my love to the moon and back. 

But I love him. But he does not love me in that way. My heart is breaking. In a million little pieces. I have been crying so much since Sunday when I knew this was going to happen that my kids saw me bawling while making the dinner and serving them and they said nothing. 

At dinner prayer my kids blessed the meal and prayed for him. They pray for him every morning and every night. I don't know how my kids are going to take it. My children love this man. My oldest girl was in tears that she was not going to be able to sing him Father's Day song at church as her bio father got Sunday visitation. All three of my children are going to be hurt. I just don't know. 

I feel so hurt. My heart is broken. I don't know if it will heal. 

Heartbreak and Pie...

So I had a good talk with sister J who is now home and just J to me... I had sent her a FB message as things had been rough lately with my boyfriend. 

We had gone through a rough patch and even when I told him I was going through a lot of emotional things and needed some extra hugs and cuddles. I tried to start kissing him and he turned away. It's been about 3 weeks where I feel like he has not wanted to touch me, and I felt very unloved. 

Coming from a place where my father has told me he has lived me and I can count it on one hand. A marriage that ended with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. Feeling unloved and not cared fore can set me in to a deep spiral. I was at the point I needed to be shown that I was cared about. He is very literal and I need to make sure to ask for the things I need. So I told him, and still yet he could not hold me, kiss me, and show me affection. 

I went last Sunday to the YSA with him. I had written the night before 4 little love notes. I have fallen for him hard. We have been dating almost 6 months. When I first converted marriage was the last thing on my mind. I was done after my ex husband. I was so hurt. 

Slowly I found joy. The smile on his face. The way he treated my kids. The way my kids respect and love him. How he took my son out on a guys night to the comic book store and how my son is still talking about it. The joy in the little teasing he would do to me, like tugging on my pony tail, throwing pop corn at each other in the movies, the cheeky grin on his face. 

This is a man I have fallen in love with. When we were texting on Sunday I asked him if he loved me. The answers back after we're not what I was expecting. My heart was crushed. Words thrown around like "don't want you to put all your eggs in one basket".... My heart was broken 

I'm still not sure if we are over. My eyes are swollen from crying so much. My heart feels like it has been stomped on and run over. 

I got some good words of advice from J. My sister, friend, and spiritual mom! She told me to think of PIE. I was confused. But she told me it stood for physical emotional Intellectual. She said we need to get our pie daily. So I'm starting to try to. 

Today I took a walk to the grocery store. Took a few laps at round the store before I grabbed the Starbucks pink drink, and then I'm having an spot with the sister missionaries at lunch time. And tonight I'm going to take my kids to see finding dory and I'm going to have my emotional. Or watch more greys on Netflix. 

Heartache is hard to get over. This man I have been dating I have thought of him as someone who could be Daddy to my kids, someone I could see myself having another child with. It's very hard to see these things go. These dreams I had for us disappear. But I need to pray. Heavenly Father has a plan. I know my eternal companion is out there. Somewhere. I just need to pray for him 

Flaws? Me? Nawh!

I had a thought this morning. My blog is called the flawed Mormon. Talking with my son he said that's because no one is perfect except Jesus on earth. 

Now if you were perfect would anything bad happen? What would happen when you failed at something? Could you fail? 

Then makes me think about my own flaws. I'm prity sure my boyfriend and kids could add to this list. 

-trust to much/give too many second chances

-get angry/yell too much

-too high strung (thanks boyfriend) 

-to giving with help/money

-lazy

-too needy 

-text too much

-need to be touched/held too much 

-too emotional/crys to easily. 

-forgets to pray

-judges others

-swears

-issues with truthfulness (with my kid, yes the store is out of soda!) 

Now it makes me think about how I can work on those flaws. I'm working on anger right now. It's hard to not yell at my kids. I loose my temper with them early. I'm also working on being high strung. My boyfriend has pointed that out to me on a few occasions. I'm trying to calm down and stay a bit more low key and relax. It's hard. 

Now can we pray to Heavenly Father and ask him to help us with our flaws? Yes! Flaws are a type of burden we can ask Heavenly Father to take from us! 

This week I'm going to work on my prayer and asking Heavenly Father to help me calm down and be less high strung. 

What are you going to work on? 

It wasn't suppose to be like this

My post today was supposed to be about this amazing message I heard in sacrament. About how blessed I am. It wasn't supposed to be like this. 

But last night for 50+ people, it wasn't supposed to be like that either.

There was a mass shooting at a LGBTQ nightclub. Those people went there to have a good time. To flirt. To enjoy life. To socialize with friends. To hang out with there chosen family.

Over 50 mothers lost there kids last night. Over 50 not being able to say I love you one last time. Not being able to hug them, or smell them one last time. 

This is crazy and has me so angry. 

Even if you think LGBTQ people are wrong they do not deserve to die. 

I am an LGBTQ Ally. I have LGBTQ friends, and family. These are mothers, sisters, fathers, brothers and children.  We are all children of Heavenly Father. And right now Heavenly Father is weeping for the loss of his children. 

Please no matter your religion, or lack of religion. Love your LGBTQ neighbors.  Show them love and kindness. 

Today please light a candle and think about the sadness. The loss. The amazing lives cut short. 

Heavenly Father loves each of you and wants you to love everyone else. 

My prayers are with Orlando 

Road trip!

So last month I took a road trip with my kids and boyfriend. It was an amazing time. 

My kids love him so much and behave with him. When all of us are together things run so smoothly. 

The road trip had a few bumps here and there. But a together it was amazing! 

The drive up to grande prairie was amazing. First time my kids remember driving through the Rockies. We listens to conference talks, chatted, and had fun! 

We went up there for one of my best friends 30th birthday. Was great to hang out and chill. She is one of those friends who no matter how long you are apart you just pick up where you left off! 

I got to see my boyfriend interact with my kids, with the other kids there, and my friends. I fell in love with this man a over again! 

It was hard during the party. It was my first big party being sober. I usually am the one doing vodka or pornstar shots. Was so different drinking just Diet Coke. 

Thankfully I have amazing friends who made it no big deal. I played beer pong for the first time, but with no beer. And played some fun card games.

We went to sacrament at 9am the night after the party. Then we drove to Edmonton. Spent a night at a hotel then we went the Edmonton temple. 

My kids went for the first time. It was good to think and to get guidance. And pray. I have been going through a lot of emotional things and I need to just go sit in the temple grounds right now but don't think I will get there for awhile. 

We hit an LDS book store after and I spent way way too much. But it's good. We then drove back home. Got home super super late. 

This trip is when my children fell in love with him. When they ask when he is coming over. When they want to go out with him. When they ask if he can come to there field trips at school. When they ask for him to help with homework. When they go out together to the comic book store and hang out without me for a few hours. When he comes home so super excited and full of happiness. 

It's been six months with this man. There have been more ups then down. I know where I want this to go. But I'm waiting to get confirmation from the spirit. 

I think I'll touch more on this in another post tomorrow 

Pride month!

It's been awhile! Sorry for no real posts in the last while. 

It's pride month. Some of you may not know that I'm a LGBTQ ally and I have. Heart for our transgender brothers and sisters out there. 

As its pride month one of my boyfriends roommates made me a set of Ill go with you pins!  It made me so happy as transgender kids/teens have only have a 50% chance of making it to age 18!!! That's so sad isn't it? 

These kids have so many things stacked against them. They are currently being killed and murdered by there parents, friends, family, dating partners, and the community. 

One death in the transgender community stuck out to me. This trans woman was run over and the sick person backed up and ran over her again and again. This murder did not get national headline news, it was hidden away. Not cool. This is one of heavenly fathers children! 

So with it being pride this month in asking you to find one way to show your love to our lgbtq community. 

You can pick up these pins on etsy at 

https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/281669752/set-of-2-lgbtq-illgowithyou-trans-ally