Its been just under two weeks with this broken heart. Tomorrow is supposed to be the 6 month anniversary with the one I gave my heart to. But its not. Instead today I see him as he offered to watch my kids as I go to a mid singles event. I have now been pushed out of the YSA and I feel lost. Im not married so I don't fit in with the married mothers at my ward, but I'm being told I'm not welcome at the YSA. There are no Mid Singles wards in my area. I am in this limbo land.
I hope that tomorrow on Canada Day I can meet a few of the mid singles in the area. Im also going today to a mid singles event tonight and I hope that I can meet someone. Make some friends at least. I also spoke with my lawyer the other day and she says that my ex should be able to take the kids so I can go to the mid singles camping event. Its 3 days out in Hope BC. She says if he does not take the kids then I would be able to go to court and get an injunction for him to take the children since he is rarely taking them as is.
My heart is still broken. It hurts so much. I still have my anniversary gift to give my ex. I don't want to keep them. I had a bunch of love letters that I had written him. They are in a little book. I had written about half of them. Then there is a painting that I did for him. I always used to tell him that I loved him to the moon and back. So i painted a picture of the moon and the earth and the stars. I have seen it on my kitchen table for the last 2 weeks. Its been sitting there staring at me. I want to trash it. I want to throw it. I want to light it on fire. But the thing is I love him. I will always love him.
There are a only a few people you ever fall in love with. I still remember my first love. I remember being crushed by him just leaving out of my life, no answers. Then there was my ex husband, I fell for him and loved him with all my heart. I still will love him as the father of my children. Every time I look at my oldest daughter I see him in her. I see that spunky personality and the same face and colouring and freckles and hair. And then my ex boyfriend. I will always have a part of my heart devoted to him. He was the man I saw that could handle my kids, treat them as if they were his own. He was the one that when we kissed he took my breath away. The one that when we had our first spat and he thought I was being to friendly/hitting on his roommate and friend and wanting to spend time with him only I went and told him that I loved him and if I didn't care about him so much I would not be putting in the effort and the time for him. I still love him. I care about him. I am glad that we can both be friends.
Its going to take me awhile to be ok with just being friends. But I am glad that he told me that he is not reddy for marriage. That he is not ready to settle down. I admit it hurts as he is the one that I saw myself going to the temple with him, and every verse and good word he sends to me makes me melt and I feel Heavenly Fathers love through him.
I am happy that he still wants to be in the kids lives. He still wants to hang out with my son, and my kids. That he will be there to give them a blessing if they need it. He will be there to listen to them, to talk to them, to guide to them.
I now have to start this journey on my own. To find my eternal companion. I hope that some day I will be able to find him. I want to be able to go to the temple. To find that one person that cares about me as much as I care about him. The one that will treat my children the same way I treat them and even treat them better. I need this eternal companion soon. I need him for my heart, for my children who need a father figure in there life. I need someone who is going to give me 100% and I will give them 100%. This is not the journey I wanted. This is not the path I wanted to take.
But I need to know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. For I am his child and I can't see that plan that he has, but I need to trust him that he knows what is right for me and that things will be ok.
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