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Tuesday 8 November 2016

Trying to not let depression keep hold.

Things have been a bid hard in my life lately. Depression has been hitting me hard. Its been this big dark blanket that has just wrapped around me and I cant let go. It's not good. But its been there. I cant help it. It just has sunk in to my body and hurts.

I have been struggling to see the glory that Heavenly Father has in my life. I have felt so upset and sad and depressed suicide has been on my mind a lot lately.

I'm struggling with trying to make ends meet. To take care of my kids. To make sure they are taken care of, and to make sure my father is taken care of.

Many times over the last months I have skipped meals, or not eaten all day except for a slice of bread because its more important for my kids and father to eat then myself. I have been struggling as this time last year things were so much different and it has sent me in to a bit tailspin down.

This time last year I was in Mexico with my kids. I had money that I was given from my moms death and I went with my kids for 2 weeks to mexico. We spent time as a family connecting, and we also brought a lot of items to help kids in an orphanage down there. It was amazing to go down and give supplies to a food bank down there that helps the poor in the town we visited. It was great to blow up a bunch of balls and to hand them out to kids in mexico. We got to go to an orphanage and give them pens, pencils, paper, note books, and toys, and the kids there were so happy. A little boy had just got brought in and was given a book,  a stuffed toy, and a soccor ball. This was the first time he had something that was just HIS. It made me cry. My kids got to learn that not everyone is rich enough to own a toilet that flushes. Not everyone is able to afford a toilet seat. It was hard for them to learn but lessons that have stuck with them. We were able to donate money to them so the orphanage could fix there water pump as it was broken and they were having to carry water from down the street.

Now here one year later I'm relying on other for fruit for my kids. Im relying on the food bank. On the bishops storehouse. Im relying on others. It just kills me. It shouldn't be this way. I never expected that thousands upon thousands would be going to pay lawyers fees to get things dealt with with my ex husband. That I would be sitting here broke as anything.

Im exhausted. I feel like a failure. I just feel so lost.

I admit there have been more days then not where I sit thinking that my kids would be better off if I was not there. How I could just walk off and kill myself so my kids would not see it. But the only thing that is keeping me alive is knowing that my kids would be with my Ex husband and that is not good for them. That they would be in a horrible home that way. That my father even though we dont get along would then be subjected to live in a nursing home. A home that he is not ready to enter in and is doing so well.

Every day I cry out to Heavenly Father to help me have streinght to try to make it one more day. To just make it till tomorrow. And just keep going. But thats the way I am. I put on a happy face, and I smile and I pretend like things are ok. I admit if any of my friends read this they would have no idea that I have been feeling this way. Becouse Im good at holding it back from other. I struggle so hard but I put on my happy face.

Heavenly Father is the only reason I am here alive today. If I didnt have him in my life I dont know where I would be. I know he is not a vending machine and I cant pray and expect my life to get better right away. But I do know slowly he is making things better. He has friends in my life who do little things like dropping off some mcdonalds vouchers for the kids for treats, or just being there to help me get to an appointment.

I want to share that If you are feeling dark please do reach out. I was able to reach out to the relief society teacher. She was able to talk to me and make sure I was feeling better. She was able to be there for me, to pray for me. Please dont feel bad if you need medication. Medication is there to help. Dont feel any less for taking it. You would not tell a diabetic its mind over mater and to stop taking insulin, so dont hold yourself up to that.

sending out lots of Love and prayers for all of you who read. Please comment! I love them!

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