Love me, But you need to love my kids.

Yesterday I had a spat with my boyfriend. It really hurt me as I care deeply about this man. I feel like he could be a future spouse. I care about his needs before my own. I want to see him happy, and prosper, and to be the best he can be. I truly do love him. 

But being a single mother, my kids are top in my life. There dad has been checked out of there life for quite some time. Is it a bad thing that I want a good man to be a role model in there life? 

Is it wrong that in my dating relationship I want someone who could be there and love my kids just as much as he loves me? Someone who wants to spend time with the kids? Who asks to go with us to do things? Someone who will pull my kids aside and read the bible with them. 

I want a man who will want to come to sacrament with us. One who wants to help me take care of my kids during the service when they start getting antzy. One who wants to take my kids to the park to run and play. One who wants to go out with them and myself. 

I know my three kids can be a handful. I know my three kids are not the most well behaved kids. I know my kids have me in tears more often then not. But is it bad that I want a man to be there to help wipe my tears and help me with my children?

Yesterday I was angry and upset. I was hurt because my children's behaviour is driving a wedge with my boyfriend wanting to spend time with me and my children. But I need to re think that. My boyfriend should be wanting to spend time with my family and I. He should be asking to do things with my kids and I. He should want to be there with me. 

Back in January I did not want to marry. I never saw myself getting married again as I did not want to be hurt again. But now, 5 months later I want to get married some day. I want support of a spouse. I want that happiness. I want that man I can pray with before bed. I want that man who can give me a preasthood blessing when I'm hurt emotionally. I want that man who can pray with my children and guide them. 

Will I ever find this man? I don't know. Will I keep praying for him. Yes. 

 

Finally done with police....

Finally finished with police...   Yep it's a txt you never want to get from a loved one. Today after I was done at the vets office (my 3 legged cat is sick and not sure what is wrong but that's for another day) I got that as a reply from my boyfriend.

I found out that he was hit from behind by a driver in a small car. He then told me that the other drivers car is a write off and all the airbags went off.

This scared me beyond belief as first I was worried about his physical health. That he was on an adrenalin high and would not feel any injury.

Second I was scared because I really care about him. And I sent him these words after he assured me that he was ok.

"I care about you so much I don't know what I would do if I lost you. I know it was not that bad but I care about you a lot. More then I can put in to words right now."

I love this amazing man. We can't go without texting each other multiple times a day. I feel lost without his txts. I truly care for him and want to make sure his needs are met, and that he is taken care of. And the most amazing thing is he takes care of my needs. He is a gift from Heavenly Father at the right time.

Be the person you want to marry

I started talking to someone. And was given some great advice. She suggested to write down what i want in a future husband and to strive to be that. so here is goes in random order.

• will tell me all that he is thinking and be there to hear everything that I'm thinking. 
• who will be romantic and show me physicaly and verbally that he loves me. 
• who will love my kids just as much as I love them. 
• will want to pray with me every day
• will want to work on issues and sit down and fix them. 
• who will push me to be the best that i can be
• who will help me with house work, and things that need to be done
• who i can laugh with
• who will be there when I'm sad and depressed and just hold me
• who will be there in the good and in the bad
• who will love me. 
• who will want the best for me
• who will want the best for my kids
• someone who will put my needs over his, and will let me put his needs over mine. 
• who will be my equal
• who will put 100% in to the relationship as i will put 100% in. 
• will understand that we may need time apart when we are mad at each other but want to fix things. 
• will want to travel. I love to travel. 
• will listen to all my silly hopes and dreams
• will wipe away my tears
• will love me no matter what. 
• will always try. no quitting in the relationship. 
• will be faithful. 

now to try to be this person for my future husband.

Truly evolved man will treat you differently

I was reading a article on how a truly evolved man will treat you differently then any other guy. I thought I would look at its points.

1. You will share the drivers seats.
Well the guy I'm seeing is an introvert. He does give me the option to choose most things, but when I give him the choice it's great. I like it that we both can switch. I wish he would choose more often.
2. They will see things in a way you may never have.
So true! He always gives me another perspective. Kindly telling me if I'm too upset, how to look at it from the other perspective and if I'm letting myself get walked all over.
3. They will challenge your shit.
 True. This man pushes me to be a better mother, girlfriend, and most of all child of God!
4. You might not feel loved.
True. I'm so used to physical only relationship. But when he cares that I'm safe when busing around, or that I have eaten, or if I'm sleeping enough. I'm used to physical kissy and sexual. But this man cares and makes sure I'm fully cared for.
5. You will love beyond what you've ever known.
Yes! This man cares about me and wants to push me to be the best I can be both physically and spiritually. He knows exactly what I need and try's with his whole power to do it or get it.
6. Communication will be his greatest strength.
Well we are working on communication but we have great conversations. I know it's just a thing for us to slowly work on.


Now I'm learning to be the type of partner I want. I'm trying hard to keep my cell use to a minimum when out. I'm trying to love like I want to be loved, and be the type of person I want to love me.

I keep thinking of proverbs 31, and striving to be that sort of woman for my future spouse.

Listening to the spirit

Im still trying to listen to the spirit. Its hard sometimes when you want something but are not sure if it is the spirit talking or your own wants.

I had a good talk with a few friends about it. Got some good advice.

K gave me this advice:

That can be an hour long conversation. Lol 😱 I'm still learning every day. If I feel good about a certain path and pray about it and still feel good about it, I have confidence in that decision. Sometimes I start to go down a certain path and there is second guessing and confusion and that can be confirmation to try a different path. Usually if you have a thought and it is a righteous desire or a righteous choice, that is the spirit. Also, the more you act on those thoughts from the spirit, the better you will get at recognizing how the spirit speaks to you and he will speak to you more because he knows you will act. I hope that makes sense.


Its hard when you are unsure of if its your want or the the spirit speaking.

But Im happy for a change. Im feeling good. In my talks with friends they said if I feel good and i don't have anxiety or questions then its from Heavenly Father.

Now if I can just work on patience. As a mother we teach our kids about patience and learning how to be patient. But its hard when you think you know the time is right.

now to take time to work on me. Time to pull out the paper journal and get working,

Fish up stream, Lost sheep, Two Masks, Kick the dog....

I’m going through an emotional moment. I know it will pass. I know I need to ride it out. I go in waves like the sea. I have always since I was a little kid. My friends and family always told me I was a true Pisces. The fish. Going up the stream one way then going with the stream the other way.

This point I don’t know exactly where I’m going. I’m having a hard time with chastity. This is hard for me because one of my love languages is being physical. I enjoy touch, It’s more important to me than other things. Getting hugged, cuddled, and more is what my body craves. But yet I’m in this situation where I was married for 13 years and getting all that. Yet now I’m not married. But I’m dating. But I can’t do what I had done with my husband with my boyfriend. I want him to touch me. I want him to show how much he cares. I want him to kiss me passionately.

 I admit that quite often I don’t feel good enough because he is not showing me affection like this. Like I’m doing something wrong. Like I’m ugly. Like I’m disgusting. Like I’m just a body to be use for his pleasure, I’m just there to be used like my ex used me like leftovers. Like I don’t deserve any pleasure in life, I’m here to just make others happy. Like I’m just a big fat blob. It’s hard. I’m also at the heaviest that I have ever been in my life. So my feeling good about myself is at a low point.

I have been listening to the last conference talks over and over. And I feel like the lost sheep lately. I feel lost. I know I need to just look towards heavenly father and ask him to come rescue me. But the thing is I don’t feel worthy to be found. I feel like garbage. I feel like I don’t deserve it. I feel like a failure to Christ. Like why did he die for me? I so did not deserve it. After all, I’m just a worthless piece of crap that isn’t good for anything. I have a real hard time with self-worth. I know I need to work on it more.

More often than not I feel like a person who is carrying around two masks. The ones from the plays. The sad face, and the happy face. I have the happy face on and telling everyone that I’m fine, and that things are ok. Because people only want to see the happy. They don’t want to see the sadness that I have inside me. The pain that I’m caring and the not matter how many times I “try to give it up to God” it just won’t go. But I have to keep that happy face on. Because no one wants to see the sad me. I have this lyric in my head “You just bleed to know your alive”

Sometimes I just want to feel physical pain instead of this emotional pain. Getting hurt physically will heal. But this pain that I feel inside I’m not sure if I will ever heal from it. I feel so lost and hurt and angry.

The hardest part is this guy I’m with. I love him so much. I care about him so much. I want all the world for this man. This amazing man. But he deserves so much better than me. I have no idea why he is still with me, or what he sees in me.

Because right now I just feel like that puppy dog. The puppy dog that is the one that that angry man comes home to, and kicks. I don’t know when I will stop being that puppy dog.

Injury and I'm sorry....

This last week has been hard. What's worse is I found out my pulled muscle in my shoulder is a tear or torn rotator cuff injury so I'm in a lot of pain. A lot. Hurts so bad.

My kids are also crazy. It's been hard with discipline and working in my anger. I joined a 12 step group as well as I know I need help with my anger and how to have a proper relationship. I'm messed up from my ex husband. The sexual and emotional abuse. The feeling like everything is my fault even if it's not.

Plus I'm Canadian, we say sorry a lot! Like we always apologize even if it's not our fault. Makes it hard as I feel like everything going on is my fault even if it's not.

I'm trying hard to have this relationship with my boyfriend be good, and healthy. We have started praying when we get together and then again when we leave. It's hard as I'm used to a much more physical relationship and staying true to the laws of chastity are hard. Many times I feel like I'm going to close to the edge or going over then I feel guilty and self destructive.

I also hate fighting with someone I love. And truly I do love this man. He is amazing. But it's a big difference talking about helping with 3 kids and how to discipline them then actually living there and doing it day after day.

I'm just exhausted. I'm drained. I'm in so much pain. I have been maxed out on otc painkillers for 2 weeks, now in maxed out on prescription painkillers and it still hurts.

It doesn't help that I have filming in my house for a documentary my family is in, and I need to clean my kids play room, and I can't even lift a can of pop or my iPhone in my bad arm without pain.

Today in morning prayers I cried out to Heavenly Father and asked why am I having to do this alone? Asking for help. It's really hard with 3 little kids all by yourself. I want that eternal companion that can be there for me, the one who can tag me out and say sweetie I have it, it's ok.

I'm trying very hard to remember in my blessing I revived this week that Heavenly Father will surround me like a blanket.