It's over..., time to tick single

So it's officially over. We almost made is 6 months. In 7 days we would have hit that point. 

I have a painting I made him. I poured my heart and soul in to this relationship. I spent many days praying, reading scripture, following that still small voice. 

He was a man I loved so much. He is an amazing man of our Heavenly Father. His smile can light a room, he is great with my children. He was everything I wanted in a man. 

But things had grown a bit distant and today he told me that we were in different place emotionally/physically/spiritually. That he is not ready for marriage, and doesn't know if he will be. That I have my life organized and he dosnt. 

My heart broke today. This is the man I fell in love with. The one I wanted to hold me forever. The one I want to go to the temple with. The one I want to pray to Heavenly Father on vended knee with every night. The one I want to be my forever. To be my love to the moon and back. 

But I love him. But he does not love me in that way. My heart is breaking. In a million little pieces. I have been crying so much since Sunday when I knew this was going to happen that my kids saw me bawling while making the dinner and serving them and they said nothing. 

At dinner prayer my kids blessed the meal and prayed for him. They pray for him every morning and every night. I don't know how my kids are going to take it. My children love this man. My oldest girl was in tears that she was not going to be able to sing him Father's Day song at church as her bio father got Sunday visitation. All three of my children are going to be hurt. I just don't know. 

I feel so hurt. My heart is broken. I don't know if it will heal. 

Heartbreak and Pie...

So I had a good talk with sister J who is now home and just J to me... I had sent her a FB message as things had been rough lately with my boyfriend. 

We had gone through a rough patch and even when I told him I was going through a lot of emotional things and needed some extra hugs and cuddles. I tried to start kissing him and he turned away. It's been about 3 weeks where I feel like he has not wanted to touch me, and I felt very unloved. 

Coming from a place where my father has told me he has lived me and I can count it on one hand. A marriage that ended with physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. Feeling unloved and not cared fore can set me in to a deep spiral. I was at the point I needed to be shown that I was cared about. He is very literal and I need to make sure to ask for the things I need. So I told him, and still yet he could not hold me, kiss me, and show me affection. 

I went last Sunday to the YSA with him. I had written the night before 4 little love notes. I have fallen for him hard. We have been dating almost 6 months. When I first converted marriage was the last thing on my mind. I was done after my ex husband. I was so hurt. 

Slowly I found joy. The smile on his face. The way he treated my kids. The way my kids respect and love him. How he took my son out on a guys night to the comic book store and how my son is still talking about it. The joy in the little teasing he would do to me, like tugging on my pony tail, throwing pop corn at each other in the movies, the cheeky grin on his face. 

This is a man I have fallen in love with. When we were texting on Sunday I asked him if he loved me. The answers back after we're not what I was expecting. My heart was crushed. Words thrown around like "don't want you to put all your eggs in one basket".... My heart was broken 

I'm still not sure if we are over. My eyes are swollen from crying so much. My heart feels like it has been stomped on and run over. 

I got some good words of advice from J. My sister, friend, and spiritual mom! She told me to think of PIE. I was confused. But she told me it stood for physical emotional Intellectual. She said we need to get our pie daily. So I'm starting to try to. 

Today I took a walk to the grocery store. Took a few laps at round the store before I grabbed the Starbucks pink drink, and then I'm having an spot with the sister missionaries at lunch time. And tonight I'm going to take my kids to see finding dory and I'm going to have my emotional. Or watch more greys on Netflix. 

Heartache is hard to get over. This man I have been dating I have thought of him as someone who could be Daddy to my kids, someone I could see myself having another child with. It's very hard to see these things go. These dreams I had for us disappear. But I need to pray. Heavenly Father has a plan. I know my eternal companion is out there. Somewhere. I just need to pray for him 

Flaws? Me? Nawh!

I had a thought this morning. My blog is called the flawed Mormon. Talking with my son he said that's because no one is perfect except Jesus on earth. 

Now if you were perfect would anything bad happen? What would happen when you failed at something? Could you fail? 

Then makes me think about my own flaws. I'm prity sure my boyfriend and kids could add to this list. 

-trust to much/give too many second chances

-get angry/yell too much

-too high strung (thanks boyfriend) 

-to giving with help/money

-lazy

-too needy 

-text too much

-need to be touched/held too much 

-too emotional/crys to easily. 

-forgets to pray

-judges others

-swears

-issues with truthfulness (with my kid, yes the store is out of soda!) 

Now it makes me think about how I can work on those flaws. I'm working on anger right now. It's hard to not yell at my kids. I loose my temper with them early. I'm also working on being high strung. My boyfriend has pointed that out to me on a few occasions. I'm trying to calm down and stay a bit more low key and relax. It's hard. 

Now can we pray to Heavenly Father and ask him to help us with our flaws? Yes! Flaws are a type of burden we can ask Heavenly Father to take from us! 

This week I'm going to work on my prayer and asking Heavenly Father to help me calm down and be less high strung. 

What are you going to work on? 

It wasn't suppose to be like this

My post today was supposed to be about this amazing message I heard in sacrament. About how blessed I am. It wasn't supposed to be like this. 

But last night for 50+ people, it wasn't supposed to be like that either.

There was a mass shooting at a LGBTQ nightclub. Those people went there to have a good time. To flirt. To enjoy life. To socialize with friends. To hang out with there chosen family.

Over 50 mothers lost there kids last night. Over 50 not being able to say I love you one last time. Not being able to hug them, or smell them one last time. 

This is crazy and has me so angry. 

Even if you think LGBTQ people are wrong they do not deserve to die. 

I am an LGBTQ Ally. I have LGBTQ friends, and family. These are mothers, sisters, fathers, brothers and children.  We are all children of Heavenly Father. And right now Heavenly Father is weeping for the loss of his children. 

Please no matter your religion, or lack of religion. Love your LGBTQ neighbors.  Show them love and kindness. 

Today please light a candle and think about the sadness. The loss. The amazing lives cut short. 

Heavenly Father loves each of you and wants you to love everyone else. 

My prayers are with Orlando 

Road trip!

So last month I took a road trip with my kids and boyfriend. It was an amazing time. 

My kids love him so much and behave with him. When all of us are together things run so smoothly. 

The road trip had a few bumps here and there. But a together it was amazing! 

The drive up to grande prairie was amazing. First time my kids remember driving through the Rockies. We listens to conference talks, chatted, and had fun! 

We went up there for one of my best friends 30th birthday. Was great to hang out and chill. She is one of those friends who no matter how long you are apart you just pick up where you left off! 

I got to see my boyfriend interact with my kids, with the other kids there, and my friends. I fell in love with this man a over again! 

It was hard during the party. It was my first big party being sober. I usually am the one doing vodka or pornstar shots. Was so different drinking just Diet Coke. 

Thankfully I have amazing friends who made it no big deal. I played beer pong for the first time, but with no beer. And played some fun card games.

We went to sacrament at 9am the night after the party. Then we drove to Edmonton. Spent a night at a hotel then we went the Edmonton temple. 

My kids went for the first time. It was good to think and to get guidance. And pray. I have been going through a lot of emotional things and I need to just go sit in the temple grounds right now but don't think I will get there for awhile. 

We hit an LDS book store after and I spent way way too much. But it's good. We then drove back home. Got home super super late. 

This trip is when my children fell in love with him. When they ask when he is coming over. When they want to go out with him. When they ask if he can come to there field trips at school. When they ask for him to help with homework. When they go out together to the comic book store and hang out without me for a few hours. When he comes home so super excited and full of happiness. 

It's been six months with this man. There have been more ups then down. I know where I want this to go. But I'm waiting to get confirmation from the spirit. 

I think I'll touch more on this in another post tomorrow 

Pride month!

It's been awhile! Sorry for no real posts in the last while. 

It's pride month. Some of you may not know that I'm a LGBTQ ally and I have. Heart for our transgender brothers and sisters out there. 

As its pride month one of my boyfriends roommates made me a set of Ill go with you pins!  It made me so happy as transgender kids/teens have only have a 50% chance of making it to age 18!!! That's so sad isn't it? 

These kids have so many things stacked against them. They are currently being killed and murdered by there parents, friends, family, dating partners, and the community. 

One death in the transgender community stuck out to me. This trans woman was run over and the sick person backed up and ran over her again and again. This murder did not get national headline news, it was hidden away. Not cool. This is one of heavenly fathers children! 

So with it being pride this month in asking you to find one way to show your love to our lgbtq community. 

You can pick up these pins on etsy at 

https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/281669752/set-of-2-lgbtq-illgowithyou-trans-ally

Love me, But you need to love my kids.

Yesterday I had a spat with my boyfriend. It really hurt me as I care deeply about this man. I feel like he could be a future spouse. I care about his needs before my own. I want to see him happy, and prosper, and to be the best he can be. I truly do love him. 

But being a single mother, my kids are top in my life. There dad has been checked out of there life for quite some time. Is it a bad thing that I want a good man to be a role model in there life? 

Is it wrong that in my dating relationship I want someone who could be there and love my kids just as much as he loves me? Someone who wants to spend time with the kids? Who asks to go with us to do things? Someone who will pull my kids aside and read the bible with them. 

I want a man who will want to come to sacrament with us. One who wants to help me take care of my kids during the service when they start getting antzy. One who wants to take my kids to the park to run and play. One who wants to go out with them and myself. 

I know my three kids can be a handful. I know my three kids are not the most well behaved kids. I know my kids have me in tears more often then not. But is it bad that I want a man to be there to help wipe my tears and help me with my children?

Yesterday I was angry and upset. I was hurt because my children's behaviour is driving a wedge with my boyfriend wanting to spend time with me and my children. But I need to re think that. My boyfriend should be wanting to spend time with my family and I. He should be asking to do things with my kids and I. He should want to be there with me. 

Back in January I did not want to marry. I never saw myself getting married again as I did not want to be hurt again. But now, 5 months later I want to get married some day. I want support of a spouse. I want that happiness. I want that man I can pray with before bed. I want that man who can give me a preasthood blessing when I'm hurt emotionally. I want that man who can pray with my children and guide them. 

Will I ever find this man? I don't know. Will I keep praying for him. Yes.