Why am I here?

This blog has been a place for me to share my feelings as I converted to being a Mormon. I joined a few moms LDS groups on facebook and a lot of the woman were telling me as my baptism date was approaching to go ahead and write it all down as I would want to remember everything.

I used to blog way back when I was younger, when the internet was younger, and when you used dial up. Oh my am I giving away my age now?

I started off with Open Diary, then it turned paid and as a teen without a credit card I transferred it all over to Free Open diary…. Then I heard about LiveJournal. But you needed a code to get in there or to pay for it. I somehow managed to get a code to get a LiveJournal and I started over there. I have made a few good friends that I still keep in touch with to this day. One is a mom friend who lives about 45 min drive from me. We met on a pregnancy group and we both have kids born in the same year. The other is a young woman from the east coast. I have followed her off an on, she was in collage when we first started talking on our LiveJournals. She is an amazing woman and she now works in a hospital and has a cookie Monday for her friends at work and is an amazing cook.

I decided to get back to bloging. Writing has always been a favorite thing of mine. Getting my thoughts on to paper, pouring my heart out. Once I had kids things I loved got pushed to the back burner. The same thing happened a few years before when I got married. I pushed things to the back to be a good wife. To try to be that perfect wife. Then to try to be that perfect mother.

Its only been recently that I have met new people in my life through the YSA that im attending and realizing that I need to get back in to the things I love. There is a young man who is in art school at the YSA I attend. He brought his sketch book to service last Sunday. When there was time between sacrament and a baptism he pulled his book out and was sketching. I was looking as he was drawing in the pew ahead of me. Looking at the joy on his face as he was sketching away, the multiple sketches on the pages. Made me think about how my joy doing things in life have been put on the back burner. How I have been taking care of everyone else but myself.

Now how can I get that balance? Well I think im doing a good thing by writing here. Im starting to get my thoughts and feelings and emotions out. Some of my posts here have almost 100 views. Its crazy because I never thought people would want to hear my ramblings. My thoughts my feelings. I always hoped I would get more comments but as long as people are looking at my blog post I hope they feel the spirit move through my words and move them.

I think this post has left me with more questions then answers. But that’s a good thing. Things for me to go pray upon. To read the scripture. To ponder on. Because after all, I don’t have the answers, you don’t have the answers, but heavenly father does.

The blossoms in my life.

Today I had a verse come to mind. Talking about seasons. There has been a lot of ups and downs in my life. My seasons have been rocky.

With my birthday approaching I have been thinking more about birth and death. It's also coming up to the one year mark of loosing my mom.  That was a very hard and dark dark time in my life.

The chapter that came to mind was Ecclesiastes chapter 3. It's talking about seasons. Waiting. Patience. Birth and death.

This makes me think about how our time on earth is so short. How we are here for only a fraction. How we need to slow down and enjoy the time we have here. We only have our mortal body for just a short time. Don't have it full with anger and hate.

It also talks about waiting. Remembering "He hath made everything beautiful in his time". His time is what we need to take out of it.

It's hard because we want to do things in our time. I know I want to do so much in my time. I like to have plans, get things done when I think I need to do. But remembering that my time may not be Heavenly fathers time.

I had a hard time with this while going through my divorce. It was hard. I know I need to listen to what Heavenly Father says. And now that I have a boyfriend I want to do things according to my plan. But those are not the Heavenly Fathers plan. I know that He will sent the perfect step father for my kids and my special helpmeet. The person that is a great addition to my life with the kids.

The seasons are starting to change at home. The buds are starting to come out, the flowers are poking out of the ground. I need to look at the flowers and the buds and know that my seasons are changing, and my seasons of life are changing. I need to wait and see what Heavenly Father has in store for my upcoming seasons. I can't wait to see the blossoms in my life.

Waiting for my helpmeet

Yesterday at church we had a few special speakers and we had a group session with the YSA for 2 sessions put together. It was good except I was running late and then had to use the bathroom so I did not get to sit next to my boyfriend and was at the back of the room. But in typical YSA fashion there were 3 to 4 more rows added behind me.

The talk was good. They started with talking about the plan of salvation then it turned to marriage and dating advice. Coming from a marriage that broke up it was a bit hard to hear. I still miss that being close with a man. Having that person to go to bed with at night. The arms wrapped around me. And the best having someone to help with everything from cooking, cleaning, and just grocery shopping.  Im at a point in my single mom life that im just done doing it alone. I don’t want to do it alone.

It has been pushed in my face a lot. Going on facebook there has been a few articles going around about Adam and Eve. Talking about how eve was his helpmeet. How She was his partner. Talking about how she was not just there to be his cook, his cleaner, to do things for him. She was there to help him through things, to be a team, to do it together.

Eve was not meant to be exactly like Adam. She was made to be his opposite, possessing the other half of the qualities, responsibilities, and the things that he lacked. They were designed to fit together, perfectly, to have children, and to be a family.

They talked about marriage and dating. They talked about how they started dating, and how they went to the next step. How if they could see the person they were with being with there future kids. If they could see them as the head of the family. They also talked about how if the relationship is progressing then to step to the next level or to let them go. Its hard thinking about that. Its hard thinking about where I am in my relationship and where my dating partner is.

I know that being a single parent is hard. This is the hardest thing I have done. Raising three children and trying to make sure they have a relationship with there father and yet are safe when they are over at his house. Its hard, and even harder bringing a man in to my family. Its hard finding someone who cares not only about me, but my children. Now to just keep praying for my helpmeet. And to keep waiting, even though waiting is hard. 

Daddy's home

Daddy's home!!! What a great thing to hear when your a child. But it's a sad thing when you come from a broken home.

I just finished watching the movie. I went by myself today as my anger and stress was high with the kids and I had a sitter anyways.

The movie makes me think a lot about my dating. The fact that I'm with a great guy who would be an awesome daddy some day. The opening reminds me of my youngest daughter who gave my boyfriend a really cute picture of a reindeer she made at school (who has chickenpox) and how he hung it up proudly in his room and sent me a photo of it.

It's hard for any person to come in on another persons turf. Even harder when the bio dad is not the greatest.

I only started introducing my boyfriend to the kids in the last month. I took 2.5 months to decide if I really liked him. If I saw any potential spouse qualities in him. And then I went and introduced slowly starting with a movie and pizza, then slowly going from there.

Last week when he had to leave my kids were sad. They went and asked to give him a hug goodbye. My son who has a harder time accepting people in his life was sad. When he had left my son asked if he could come back soon and if he would be back next weekend. It made me smile as earlier that day we (boyfriend and i) had to dish out discipline. Well I dished out he helped make sure it was being followed.

It's a hard road for someone to step in and be a parent to someone that is not biologically there own child. It takes a strong man to step in. Because boy those kids can wield words that hut.

I'm glad I found someone who is willing to try. Willing to love my kids and make sure they are on a good path to being well rounded people.

Stained with coffe, picked up and never put down.

"Your going to be somebody's favourite story someday. And maybe it's not today or even tomorrow but one day every unturned page will be stained with coffee and refuse to lay flat the way they used to. Yeah, someday someone is going to pick you up and never put you down. "

This quote sums up how I feel. I have so much love in my heart for others. I have a personality where I want to make sure those I care for are ok. I want to be the strong one for my friends, family and those I care about.

But I give so much to others. Even when I don't receive any in return. I  want to be picked up and never put down. I want to be what my man wants and needs. I have given my heart to people and gotten stomped on. My ex husband was one of those people. I kept going back for more and more pain and verbal abuse. I wanted to make him happy even though he did not feel the same about me and sent me to bed crying most nights.

I have always given as much as I can. My grandmother and mom taught me from a young age that when someone comes over you pull out whatever you have and make sure they are happy and full. You give whatever you have even if you don't have enough for yourself.

I see myself doing this in my current relationship. I have fallen for this man so hard. I know he cares and loves me... But I don't know if it's a 50/50 relationship or if I'm putting in more then him.

I worry about being hurt. I have had my emotions and feelings stomped on way to many times. I'm going to try to back off and see how things go. But it's hard when all I want is for things to go forward. When I feel like this is the person I want for the rest of my life. That this is the person I want to co parent with me. The one that even though I had 2 rough rough pregnancies, this is the man I want a child with.

And so now I need to take a step away. And try to take inventory of my emotions. To see what I'm giving to others and what others are giving to me. I can't let the scale tip to far forward in either way.  Trying to find that balance of giving and receiving.

Discipline my children? Future husband?

Today I was out with my boyfriend and my three kids. We went down town to go watch the professional hockey team practice. I knew it was going to be stressful as its only been a few time the kids and my boyfriend have been together and I knew they would act up.

But the moment they acted up and I had to discipline and they were balking at it, and he stepped in and re affirmed everything I said to the kids. That was the minute I knew this is the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

It was crazy to think that my boyfriend helping me discipline my kids would make me have a response to want to marry him. But oh boy did it. He acted in a smooth calm tone. He asserted that I was the one choosing the punishment. Told the kids that they were not listening and behaving and that was not ok. And then separated the children.  In the car on the way home from down town and they were acting up in the car, in a calm firm voice he spoke up. He was amazing. My son reacts well to when my boyfriend was helping with the discipline. It was crazy to see his tone change.

After we got back and the kids were all in their own rooms on time out we had a talk. We sat and talked and I thanked him for his help, and he said I would always be the one to choose the discipline. I would be the one dishing it out, and he would be there to help me go through with it, there to guide them when they are doing wrong and bring them to me.

This man is amazing. He is cool, he has such a calm personality. Even in the few little tiffs we have gotten in to, he still remains calm. He has this peace about him. My heart just falls for him a little bit more each and every day.

I was speaking with a few of my other LDS mom friends online as well as the sister missionaries. A few questions were brought up.

How does he treat you when he is stressed or having a bad day?

When he is having a bad day he becomes quiet. He turns in. I try to be there for him and yet give him the space he needs. He treats me with respect, he has never raised his voice to me, and he is the type of man that I believe with my whole heart would never raise his voice to me. I hope that I can do the same. I do know I have anger issues that I’m working on, but this man is helping me be a better person.

Does he constantly act like hew would do everything he can to make you happy to the best of his ability?

Constantly act? No this man does everything he can to make sure that I am happy. This man if he has any question that I may be upset, depressed, or angry he will do whatever he can to help me. Could be sending me a txt, a verse, or a funny meme. He is there to talk to me. To make sure that I’m doing ok physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Are there things that are similar between him and your ex?

The only thing that he is like my ex on is a bit of the nerdy type. He is shy like my ex wad in the beginning. But he is different. Every action from this man is done in love. Is done in a way to not hurt me, in a way to show compassion, caring, and Christ like love.

Does he agree with you on how to raise your children or respect your decisions to parent even if he does not agree?

He respects the way I parent my children. If he thinks I’m being pushed around by them he will say. He will suggest things if I’m having issues with them, but never force or say I need to.

Do you both put the gospel first in your daily activates to the same? Or will you need compromise?

I have to admit he puts the gospel first more then I do. But I’m still new in the church and learning. I am an imperfect Mormon. I am a flawed Mormon. But I’m working on it.

How much is going to be your way of his way or a compromise in the marriage with work, home and extended family?

Everything with this man is a compromise. I do think that if we did not agree on something we would both just talk about it, pray about it, and go from there.

Do the kids get along with him? Are there concerns that need to be addressed?

This man is amazing with my children. Firm but good. My kids really like him and today the went and got a hug from him before he left for home.

Am I willing to do anything for him? Is there a point where me and my child comes first?

This man is someone that I have never felt this way for in my life. I would do anything to help him. I would go to the ends of the earth for this man. Its crazy as I have never felt this way for another person. I never even felt this way for my ex husband when we were dating or when we got married. This man is different. Every morning I look at my phone and I have a good night txt as I usually fall asleep txting with him. I send him a good morning txt and I cant wait for his little scripture tid bits or little words of wisdom throughout the day.

This really gives me a lot to think of. I need to pray about this. Pray for wisdom. I need to pray as I know he is not ready for a family, I know he is not in the place where he wants to get married. I don’t even know if he would be willing to accept all the kids. Becoming an instant family is hard. I am also the first single parent he has dated. There has also been pressure from our YSA (Young Single Adults) ward about marriage. So its something that just needs to be taken slow for his sake. He also has some personal issues on his mind effecting his life so I need to take that in to account.

Once again all I can do is pray to Heavenly Father for my future husband. Pray that wherever he is, that heavenly father guide him, keep him safe, and bless him. And pray that my future husband is praying for me too.