I'm FINE!

Today has hit me hard. I miss my mother so much today. It hurts so much inside. I would give anything just to hear her voice one last time. My heart hurts more then I can express.

My mom lost the ability to talk about 6 years ago. Right before I found out I was going to have my babies. It was hard having to talk to my dad and get information on my moms pregnancy from him. I missed hearing her voice. But having her around was good.

Its like the time you hear an old voice mail and you just keep hitting save every time you hear it because you know you love to hear there voice and haven’t heard from them in a long time.

I miss my mother so much that these tears just wont stop coming down. That I can’t even get my body out of bed. That my kids have eaten way to much cereal, take out, and sandwiches in the last few days.

I feel so sad and lost that I just don’t want to wake up. I’m not suicidal. But I just feel this immense pain inside. I feel this loss. This hurt.

I feel so sad and angry and upset. I have this last week wanted to sabotage relationships. It started Sunday with the sister missionaries calling me to sing me happy birthday. And I burst out crying. I have wanted to push them away. I had a hard time going to church but I still did it. I want to push Heavenly Father away too. Then this week I have been so stressed out I find myself picking fights with boyfriend, and just wanting to text him and tell him to forget about me, and to go away and to find someone else.

I have always been a person who feels emotions strongly. I always feel everything with 100% of my being. I’m always the person who is really really happy. Or I’m really really really sad.  There never seams to be a medium for me.

Today has been the worst so far. I just want to push everyone away. To the point when my boyfriend texts me asking me how I’m doing I ask him if he wants to she sugar coated truth, the real truth, or the appearance to the world truth?

My mom when she was upset or things were not going ok would say “I’m FINE” it had that tone on the end of the fine, and she said it through clenched teeth. Now I understand why she said it. I say it quite a bit of the time. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.

But the thing is im NOT fine. I wont be fine. Im hurt, im angry, im sad, im alone, im abandoned, I cant get out of bed, I cant stop crying, I feel like my heart is getting ripped out, and I want to push anyone and everyone away. I have so much anger in me right now and I just want to hurt as many people as possible.

I have 3 more weeks till her death date. My heart is so full of pain, I keep thinking of this one song, the lyrics “You just bleed to know you are alive.” I understand the wanting to have physical pain to numb the emotional pain. I have no idea where this blog post is going.  I don’t even really have a verse or anything to say other then I know that Heavenly Father is there for me, and there for others going through the same thing. Right now I cant see that, or feel that. But I know Heavenly Father is there.  I have heard from more then one source that I should find someone to ask for a priesthood blessing, But being still new in the church I don’t know of anyone I can ask. I just Pray to Heavenly Father that He knows my Heart and will help me every day.