I can't stop loving you....

Things got to a big head over the weekend. After texting with my ex via text over the weekend during conference my heart was just yearning for him. I really truly have fallen for him. My heart is his. Im still in love with him.

I miss the good morning and good night texts. I miss the way he holds me. I miss the way he tells me he cares about me. I miss the way he txts to make sure I have eaten lunch. I miss the way he is so good with my kids and how they look up to him. I miss the way he acts around my son and how my son felt like he had a father figure in his life.

What hurts the most is all the ideas I had about this relationship. That I felt close enough to tell him every little thing and all the bad and he still loved me in return. That this man I saw myself going to the temple with. That this man I had been close to asking him to marry me. That I would wait for this man till he was ready.

But he crushed my heart. He told me he could not be the man he thought I needed. He could not be my eternal companion. He told me that he prays for me, and wishes me all the best. That he dosent want to hold me back from my eternal companion.

BUT I WANT HIM. I want him to hold me close. I want him to love me. I want him, and only him.


So this monday I called him and told him I had to break off all contact. I had to stop talking to him. That I could not be his friend. I could not handle the friendly txts. It just hurt too much. Because all I want is for him to hold me and tell me he loves me.

And the hard thing is my friend D just got baptised. We had dated before. And we started casually dating. He told me when he droped me off that dating wont work. That he sees this all and understands. The sad part is that he said he would marry me if I wanted to. But I just love A so much. I cant even think about D in that way.

My heart is broken and I have spent the last long while crying so many tears over A. My heart aches for him. Im not sure how I can get over him. Many nights I cry myself to sleep wishing he would just love me. That he would let me be his wife and take care of him. That he would let me love him.

High school poetry

Perfect

Feeding her soul through her mouth
Eyes wide open
Looking where to turn to
Unable to have peace
Because of her
Trembling fears
Of herself
The food in her hands
Her heart full of shame
Not able to be
Perfect.


No understanding

No understanding
Her mind flowing
Here and there
Fear flowing through her
In her hair
Out through her fingers
Mind totally exposed
No understanding of life
Or of anything
This earth
This girl
No understanding



Love and goddesses

Love and goddesses
Names and food
Things that bring
You and me
Closer
Honey, oysters, asparagus.
And more.
Is it food?
Or is it you?
Love
Life
Fulfillment with you
Or is it just,
Love and goddesses



Words not spoken

Putting his lips on mine
Telling me he loves me
I'm not sure
What to do
If I can say
The same words
Back to him.
Fears that rush in
Like the cool summer breeze
Just wondering if
My heart
Does it
Truly love
Him.
Will I know if I say these words
That tear my heart?
I love you
The words not spoken.



Empty inside

I'm not sure of the things to do
Places to go
Or people to see.
Uncertainty plagues my mind
Blank
Empty, is all that is there
Not able to give peace.
Blank
Empty space in to nothing.
Nothing will come of
Empty inside.



Untitled

Things that float
Things that flit
Things that I may
Just mear understand
Flit
Float

Temple!

I got to go to the temple last Saturday. It was the most amazing thing ever. I was no nervous I felt like I was going to puke in the car with the RM who was driving me. I was just chatting away trying to get rid of my nerves.

It was amazing my experience in there. I was nervous and I had brought with me 18 family names to do baptisms for. It was great. I got to take my mothers and both my grandmothers names. It truly was amazing.

I had gone in and I had questions for Heavenly Father. The way things had been going I had loads of questions, and I needed answers.

I was sitting in the chapel after and was looking for a verse and Heavenly Father blinded my eyes to it. He made me focus on one chapter and it gave me many blessings. It was amazing.

Its been really hard to do what Heavenly Father has asked of me. Im feeling like Im dying inside and I feel so lonely. I have not felt this lonely since the week that I left my ex husband and I was in a transition shelter and I had NO ONE to talk to. Not one of my friends was there for me. I was on my own and in my own head. It was hard.

Im trying hard to talk to others and keep out there but its hard. I know Heavenly Father will bless me for following what he is asking of me. I know he has blessings out there for me.


Please also keep an eye on a new blog I am starting for Institute classes. It will be good!

You may Leave but you NEVER get out...

Having a hard time today. I left my ex husband due to abuse. But I'm only starting to understand that you may leave but you never get out.

Its been 3 years and I still have his words in my head. I still hear his words when things ended in my last relationship (where I fell in love hard and still care about the guy) that I will never be good enough. That the relationship ended because I could not please him right. That because of my choice of religion and following the laws of chastity that he would not want me, he would not want me unless I could please him. That I was a piece of garbage and why would he want me. What man would want to be with something that was so used and abused and garbage like I am.  That I'm worthless. That I'm stupid. That I will never amount up to anything good. That no matter how much I love him him, he could never love me because I'm not worth it.

My mind still thinks those things daily. Like that I'm a screw up as a mom. That I'm and ass hole. That I will never amount to anything. That I cant handle being alone. That I cant handle being a single mom. That I wont be able to do anything unless I give my body to another man. That I wont be able to survive without him or another man.

Its hard.

Its so hard leaving an abusive man. An abusive relationship.

These voices run through my head on a daily basis.

I know that I am my own worst enemy. I just hear these words in my head daily. I cry tears because I hurt so much.

Im sitting here in bed right now crying because I just want to be held. Because I'm scared more then anything I will never find anyone that wants to love this broken mind and body.

Im sitting here, looking at my temple recommend to go do baptisms and all that runs through my head is thoughts that I'm not worthy enough. That I never will be.

I have a hard time praying latley. I have hard time doing anything lately. Im struggling with really bad depression. Im dealing with financial issues and I really need help. Im over my head and being a single parent I'm struggling. But more so I'm struggling with these words and feelings in my head.

And all I can do is cry out to Heavenly Father to send me my companion and hope that he has enough band aids to put me back together. And to pray that he comes fast.

Why did Heavenly Father Trust me with them?

As a mom of special needs kids I wonder often why he trusts me with them. I have been told that I had these kids for a reason and that heavenly father has blessed me with them. That he knows I can take care of them and teach them and help them grow.

But its beyond hard. My daughter was diagnosed with FASD this last year. I drank under 6 drinks in the first 6 weeks of my twin pregnancy. My ex also drank quite a bit and they think his factor of drinking helped too. My Son who is the other twin has other issues but it looks like he has FASD as well.

With this I have to tell them things in one step. They dont have the memory skills to do things that take more then two steps. They still at age 8 forget to wipe there bum and flush the toilet and wash there hands. If i dont tell them what type of clothing to wear they will wear long sleved clothing and long johns in the summer and scooter shorts and tanks tops in the winter.

Then if i sleep in they will eat all the snacks for breakfast. Like this last week I had some extra money and went shopping and they ate 2 weeks of groceries in 3 days. Hiding wrappers and garbage till the flys come out and I find out.

My youngest is starting to show issues. I left my kids father due to abuse. When he hurt one of the kids I took them and left. He hit and shook the youngest. I thought she had gotten off scott free but recently she has been hording food in her room and not sleeping and lots of other things. Im exhausted. I really am.

I have no family that will take them. There grandparents on there fathers side refuses to help me. There grandfather on the dads side thinks im a gold digging bi**h because Im asking for help with day care so I can get out of poverty.

Currently I have less income then welfare. I have to raise 3 children with special needs and myself on less money then welfare. I have spent all the money I was given as inheritance on court costs and thing the kids needed like medication, food ect.

I dont know where this is going. I Just know I feel lost. I feel hurt. I feel like Heavenly Father has too much faith in me. I dont know if I will ever be able to take care of these kids.

I feel lost and hurt a lot of the time. Being a single parent is hard. Being a single parent to special needs kids is harder.

some times I feel like I have messed my life up. Not saying my kids are a wrong decisision. But that I just dont do right things. That I have screwed things up. That I will never be any good.
I mean what guy in there right mind would want to take on someone like me, and my three messed up children. We are not worth it.

Can I submit that it's NOT his timing?

Do you have faith in Heavenly Father to submit to his will? To be ok with the fact that it may not be his timing for what you want?
Since I converted in February the verse in Mosiah 3 has rang true so much in my life.

becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

Are you willing to accept that it may not be heavenly fathers timing? Are you ok with that? I am reminded of Jesus when he went to the garden to pray. I did a scripture study with Ant Gawler and we read about how Jesus prayed to Heavenly Father to take this task away from him but only if it is Heavenly a Fathers will.

And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.

I think the hardest thing is knowing that it's not Heavenly Fathers timing for me to have an eternal companion. It's something that I know a lot of us struggle with. For me it's leading that I need to submit to Heavenly Father and his timing and not be that bratty child who stomps her feet and says NO! I want it NOW. I can't be like Verica Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I need to trust in heavenly Fathers timing.

It means I can still pray for it. After all Jesus prayed multiple times to confirm that he needed to submit to Heavenly Fathers will.

It's hard. But I know my prayers are going to change. I need to learn to thank Heavenly Father for his timing. I need to thank Him for his timing and learn to submit to it.

I just wanted to share with you my ramblings at 5 am that Heavenly Father woke me up to read this Artical and then ponder it. Please enjoy reading it here.

Back after Time off...

I have taken some time off due to stress of breaking up with my boyfriend. My emotions have run high. I miss him like crazy just wishing things could be back what they used to be. Missing his arms around me hold me tight.

I think my hormones have been out of wack because I have been such a wreck. I have been going from sobbing and basicly begging him back (not usually my style) to being super hyper and happy.

Im trying to pray more. I know that Heavenly Father knows whats out there for me. Knows that there is someone better waiting for me.

Luckily Heavenly Father  has sent a great person in to my life. He is a cousin of Sister G. One of the sisters who helped me get baptized. We have spent time talking on facebook, and chatting on the phone.

He has been there through some very bad swings I have had over the last month. Swings where I was feeing so depressed I actually thought about killing my self, about giving up custody of my kids, about hurting myself. Swings I have not felt this deep since I was 13 and raped and kidnapped.

The late night phone calls. The caring words. The amazing laughter to his voice. The call to say goodnight that ended up with a 5 hour phone call till the wee part of the morning.

The soft way he is pushing me to be a better person. The way I feel like I can share everything with him. The way he is so easy to talk to and I don't feel like he judges me. Im hoping that in the beginning of October I will be able to see him in person.

Well the day is ending and I need sleep before service tomorrow.
I hope you all that read have an amazing sunday.